I am a television, web and magazine writer based in Los Angeles.

Monday, September 24, 2012

2012 Emmys

Things learned watching the 2012 Emmys:

1. Julianne Moore can do a lot of things, but no one (I’m talking to you Danes & Bowen) can pull off that neon yellow/green bile color. Especially without a golden tan.
2. “Homeland” cannot win enough awards to redeem Showtime from the human stain on their schedule that is “Gigolos .”
3. Kerry Washington has a lisp. Who knew?
4. I don’t want to live in a world where Kristen Wiig will never receive an Emmy for SNL.
5. Thanks to her Snooki poof on steroids hair don't, Ashley Judd can rest assured her cheeks are no longer the biggest and puffiest thing about her.
6. Fans of CBS sitcoms are a lot like Scientologists, you know they are out there but no one has actually met one.
7. When Damien Lewis goes missing, Jon Hamm and Michael C. Hall should be the first to be questioned.
8. The camera loves Lena Dunham … when the hot guy on “Revenge” is sitting directly behind her.
9. “American Horror Story” is a mini-series.

Without movie stars or musicians, the Emmys are generally the most boring of award shows and this year was no different. Thank God for DVRs.

Hope you enjoy these musings more than Josh Groban covering One Direction during an In Memoriam skit. Tweet me: @thejohnnylopez

Jimmy Kimmel – The best he’s ever looked. He’s chosen sides and is Team Camille.

Amy Poehler – Parks and Wrecked marriage but she looks amazing. But don’t tell me she traded Will Arnett for Louis CK!

Eric Stonestreet – Straight guys play gay and get awards. Gay guys play straight and get Scientolowives.

Zooey Deschanel – She really needs to stop dressing like a white extra in “The Help.”

Jon Cryer – I hate being reminded that Duckie is on “Two and Half Men.”

Christina Hendricks – “Mad Men” went home empty handed but Christina’s husband sure didn’t.

Kat Dennings – Heir to the Christina Hendricks Cleavage Throne.

Modern Family – The Lily skit was the funniest thing of the night. Every skit needs Ken Jeong in half drag. No for real.

Julie Bowen – Never mind the award or that neon dress, who is her hot husband?

Sofia Vergara – She can make anything look good – even neon yellow/green bile gowns – but her dress last night was about ten years too soon for “Dancing with the Stars.”

Melissa McCarthy – Oh yeah, she’s on that Mike & Molly CBS sitcom thing. I totally forgot.

Amazing Race – Sorry but I think the toughest reality competition show is “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” … because I challenge you to try and sit through an entire episode. I couldn’t.

Lena Dunham – For anyone that’s ever wanted to see Justin Bieber in a dress – mission accomplished.

Julia Louis Dreyfus – 3 sitcoms, 3 Emmys. But don’t you dare bring up “Watching Ellie.”

Tom Berenger – TV’s Mickey Rourke – melted face and all.

Claire Danes – From angst ridden teen to autistic animal doctor to bipolar CIA Agent, Claire can do no wrong … as a TELEVISION actress. Holla.

Tracy Morgan – Flatline, indeed.

Connie Britton – Her hair and dress were an American Horror Story.

Jeremy Davies – His hair and demeanor brought to you by Meth.

Juliana Margulies – “Good Wife”, bad dress. It’s curtains for Julie … shower curtains.

Jessica Lange -- Love huh! She walked that stage like it was no big whoop. I just want her to drink gin and tell me stories.

Ellen DeGeneres – And that my friends is the closest we’ll ever get to seeing Miss Ellie in a skirt.

Portia di Rossi – Rockin’ a burlap pantsuit? Oh you silly little lipstick lesbian, you.

In Memoriam skit – Never forget.

Julianne Moore – If that dress were chambray she’d win an Emmy for playing a sister wife. You betcha.

Ashley Judd – The only thing that has gone Missing is her hair stylist.

Ginnifer Goodwin – Any thinner and David E. Kelley will hire her.

Kevin Costner – Dances with Self-Tanner.

Nicole Kidman – Nicole at the Emmys is slowly preparing us for the inevitable bizarro end of world shit coming this spring … Nicole Kidman in the “American Idol” audience.

Monday, February 27, 2012

The 2012 Oscars

Things learned watching the 2012 Academy Awards:

1. Who knew Meryl Streep winning an award could be so shocking?
2. Thanks to Jennifer Coolidge, my new fave word is ELEVATOR FACES.
3. Ryan Seacrest is a pro at getting a man’s mess off his tux … just sayin’.
4. Add “hairstylist” to the things Gabourey Sidibe desperately needs.
5. The best part of the show was … Angelina’s leg – literally.
6. Oh, how the mighty have fallen… when Oprah gets an award but isn’t even allowed to speak!
7. Esperanza Spalding should sing at every IN MEMORIAM segment. What a wonderful… performance.
8. Sandra Bullock speaking German only makes Jesse James’ Nazi photos seem that much more bizarre.
9. Viola Davis should have given the wig she didn’t wear to Kelly Osbourne or Cameron Diaz!
10. Ironically, watching Billy Crystal tell lame, tired jokes makes me want to hurl gay slurs.

It was the safe Oscars; from safe dresses, to safe host and even safer jokes. But what do you expect when even the best film of the year barely utters a word? I can only imagine what the Oscars will look like if Santorum is elected. Lawd have mercy.

So for your consideration… the Oscar recap.

--Johnny Lopez

Billy Crystal – An opening that included kissing Clooney, and cameos by Justin Bieber and Tom Cruise. Any gayer and he would have had to lip synch for his life!

Jennifer Lopez – Thank God for her nipple for distracting me from that hoochie mama dress. It was the perfect Oscar gown… for Jwoww. Just because the Oscars are held at a mall doesn’t mean you should get your dress at Forever 21. Her Vanity Fair party dress was a million times better.

Cameron Diaz – Her “There's Something About Mary” hair would have been better.

Hugo -- is the new Adele.

Sandra Bullock – Ich bin ein Botoxer!

Foreign Film winner – The director of “A Separation” used a translator at the Independent Spirit Awards for his entire acceptance speech, but one day later spoke English (albeit accented) at the Oscars. And I thought M.I.A. was desperate to hold on to her indie cred.

Christian Bale – Relinquishing his title of the Caped Crusader to Gwyneth Paltrow.

Gwyneth Paltrow – I’m sure her Tom Ford cape thing is fashion forward and regal and blah blah, but to me it looked like she repurposed Celine Dion’s infamous backward white tuxedo from the ’99 Oscars … and for that I thank her.

Octavia Spencer – Now that she has an Oscar, I can’t wait for her to do a romcom with McConaghey or Channing Tatum.

Bradley Cooper – His mustache is not nearly as sexy as his beard… Zoe Saldana.

The Muppets – Who doesn’t love Kermit and Adrienne Maloof from Real Housewives?

“Undefeated” boys – brought to you by Diddy … and LOGO!

Cirque du Soleil – It was pretty cool, but made about as much sense as Lea Thompson’s appearance on the red carpet.

Emma Stone – Re-wearing Kidman’s red bow Oscar dress of 2007. Forget the whole Anne Hathaway debacle -- Emma to host next year’s Oscars! Every time Lindsay takes a drink, snorts a line or enters a courthouse, Emma gets a movie role.

Melissa Leo – ‘Memba her?

Christopher Plummer – and Max Von Sydow are not the same person?! If you say so. But seriously, yay! Loved “Beginners.”

Jonah Hill – His career ain’t the only thing blowin’ up.

Glenn Close – From Albert Knobbs to ‘SAW’ mask drag.

Penelope Cruz – Gorgeous, yet a little boring. But that’s okay.

Owen Wilson – Is that his nose or Michael Fassbender in “Shame”?

Angelina Jolie’s right leg – I feel bad for her poor bastard left leg. Right now gay men from Chelsea to West Hollywood are hard at work on their Halloween costumes. But seriously, if she were anymore desperate for attention she would have gotten arrested trying to get inside the Governors Ball. And what’s with the Angierexia Nervosa?

The Descendants screenwriter winner – Mocked Angelina’s leg on stage and subsequently started a new Internet meme, Jolieing. Now hurry up and squat a pose because it’s already OVAH!

George Clooney – he’s dating a former wrestler. Just think about that for a second. Okrrr.

Stacy Keibler – She’s like someone who just won “American Idol,” you are really happy for her, but you know it’s only a matter of time before she gets dropped from her contract and winds up working at a county fair.

Shailene Woodley – (daughter in The Descendants) – wearing the latest from the Pope Benedict XVI collection.

Reese Witherspoon – Now everyone under 30 knows what “Overboard” is – you know that ‘80s movie starring Kate Hudson’s parents.

Milla Jovovich – For a second I thought “Resident Evil” was nominated for something. Phew. Gotta love hosting those Sci-Tech Awards.

Bridemaids chicks – Love. Love. Love them. Wish Kristen had won. But seriously, can one designer step up and make a tasteful, well-fitted gown for the plus-size ladies? Melissa McCarthy deserves better.

Snooki – The real winner of live-action short for “The Shore.”

Jean Dujardin – He’s not the new Roberto Benigni… because he’s hot.

Sheila E/Pharrell – The consolation prize for only nominating two songs and not allowing them to be performed.

Colin Firth – He and Michelle Williams co-starred in the 1997 film, “A Thousand Acres.” In case you were wondering what he was talking about.

Michelle Williams – Gets prettier and prettier. I’d love to see her and Katie run into each other at the Vanity Fair party. Awkward.

Meryl Streep – Still shocked. I love that every year everyone is like “She deserves it,” and “It’s her turn” -- like she’s Christopher Plummer with no Oscars. Um, she had two already. Of all the years and all the performances and all the actresses she was up against, she wins this year. Interesting.

Viola Davis – You is kind. You is smart. You was robbed! Meryl won for “The Iron Lady,” but Viola lost because of the white lady! Someone’s gonna be serving up some of Miss Minny’s pie alright. It really sucks, but I guess if you have to lose to anyone …

Tom Cruise – The real life Benjamin Button. How many arranged marriages, E-meters and silent births does it take to look that good?! Maybe it’s Maybelline.

Monday, January 16, 2012

The 2012 Golden Globes

Things learned watching the 2012 Golden Globes:

1. By bringing back a fingerless glove, crucifix and her black roots, Madonna proved her face isn’t the only old thing that’s new again.
2. The one person funnier than Melissa McCarthy… is her stylist.
3. Sidney Poitier is the new Kirk Douglas.
4. Apparently, Jane Fonda found the Fountain of Youth on Golden Pond.
5. Despite everything he’s done musically and all his AIDS charity work, if Elton John doesn’t chill and loosen up his girdle, he’ll just be remembered as a bitter old queen.
6. It’s 1999 again because Harvey Weinstein really is back on top.
7. Kelly Osbourne’s hair needs to be put down.
8. Sofia Vergara’s days may be numbered, because Salma’s back!
9. Ryan Gosling not showing up is cruel and unusual punishment.
10. Zooey Deschanel has sideburns.

It was the Washout Globes. From all the blah beige gowns to all the blah non-standout moments, this year’s Golden Globes were as funny and original as an episode of “Whitney.”

You know the drill. Here’s my two cents, so feel free to send me yours!

--Johnny Lopez

Ricky Gervais – Everyone who thought he was too mean last year is now saying how lame and neutered he was this year. But seriously, if picking on Jodie Foster’s lesbianism is the best and most original stuff you can come up with, you might as well just point and call Melissa McCarthy fat.

Ashton Kutcher – He got rid of the beard and actually looked handsome. Breaking up with Demi really does the body good.

Jake Gyllenhaal – The real reason Gosling didn’t show up. If those two are in the same vicinity at any one time, the room may instantaneously combust.

Melissa McCarthy – In JoAnn Fabrics Couture for Bed, Bath & Beyond. She looked like sheet.

Paula Patton – Her mission: impossible was trying to pull off that Tweety Bird yellow gown.

Kelsey Grammer – Team Camille. Sorry ‘bout it.

Sofia Vergara – At some point, even gorgeous gets boring.

Adam Levine – His music-to-TV transition is treading very closely on Mark McGrath territory.

Madonna – Between the death stares from Elton, Mary J & Latifah, the self-important acceptance speech and the made-up regal old English by way of suburban Detroit accent, the Bitch is back! Suck it, haters!

Kat McPhee – Just 27 and she’s already onto the third re-invention of her career. With reality TV, music and film behind her, perhaps scripted TV will be the charm. On a related note, Taylor Hicks – ‘memba him?

Brad Pitt – Am I the only one that thinks Angelina beats him?

Angelina Jolie -- And the envelope please … oh wait, it’s already part of her dress.

Michelle Williams – Somewhere in an isolation sauna chamber in outer space, Katie Holmes is staring blankly into an E-meter and wondering where she went wrong.

Piper Perabo – She was robbed … of her breasts!

Sarah Michelle Gellar – Doing her best Ivana Trump impersonation.

George Clooney – He’s too perfect. He has to have a really deep, dark secret he’s keeping on the down low. Wonder what it could be?

Stacy Keibler – I’m worried for her. I mean, she’s already appeared on “Dancing with the Stars,” so when Clooney dumps her she’ll really have nowhere to go.

Tilda Swinton – Hair and makeup by the Brian Setzer Orchestra.

Jessica Alba – Perfection.

Channing Tatum – Have they discovered which chromosome he’s missing?

Nicole Kidman – Ten years clean from Scientology and Nicole finally has womanly curves. Maybe there are perks to cutting off all contact from your two eldest children.

Jessica Lange – You know she’d rather win a bottle of Bombay Sapphire than a Globe.

Jane Lynch – By the looks of her top, she will never win Best SUPPORTING actress.

Octavia Spencer – This year, the part of Mo’Nique will be played by Octavia. Miss Minnie’s chocolate pie is the new pig’s feet!

Salma Hayek – She’s 45 and flawless in any language, and giving you Studio 54 chic.

Charlize Theron – Another one who is aging backwards. The only thing I loved her in more than “Young Adult” was that dress.

Jessica Biel – Was that an ill-fitting bodice or has she always had three breasts? Wasn’t Mark Wahlberg the one who was supposed to have three nipples?

“The Artist” guy – Voulez vous coucher avec moi?

Meryl Streep – Wearing the latest from The Temple Grandin Fall 2012 collection. The woman can act herself out of a brown paper bag, but unfortunately, that appears to be where she gets her evening wear, too.

Monday, November 21, 2011

The 2011 American Music Awards

Things learned watching the 2011 American Music Awards:

1. There is something called Hot Chelle Rae. Who knew?
2. Driving the Fiat is the new jumping the shark.
3. Based on screen time, Taylor Swift & Selena Gomez were the only celebs in the audience.
4. Kelly Clarkson is a huge star.
5. needs a time out.
6. Pit Bull has to decide whether he’s Team Lopez or Team Skeletor already.
7. All music acts with the last name Perry are contractually bound to have bad hair.
8. Love her or hate her, Lady Gaga makes for good award show television. We missed you Stefani!
9. The only person Xtina hates seeing more than her trainer … Adam Levine!
10. Three words: Justin. Bieber. Shufflin’. That’s some serious L-wordMFAO!

First of all, apologies if you read some of these comments via my FB updates. If not, well then here’s my two cents about last night’s AMAs.

Johnny Lopez

P.S. You can’t tell but I was driving a Fiat while writing this!

Nicki Minaj – Please turn up the super bass so you don’t hear her singing intermittently over the lip synching.

Taylor Swift – Wearing another gold dress. Shocker. I guess she’s monotone in more ways than one. And what was with the dead, ratty, straw ponytail? You would think from her overacting faux-surprise that she had won an Oscar & not an AMA. Settle down, T.

Adam Levine – the younger, thinner, douchier Dylan McDermott.

Justin Bieber – Has pulled one over everyone. Girls think he’s hot, artists with street cred actually think he has swagger (oh how I loathe that word) and how most of America is actually entertaining the idea that he could possibly impregnate anyone – let along a girl, is beyond me.

The Band Perry – Did the chick know she was performing on national television or just going to the movies? Get a hair brush! And what’s up with the weird shag bobbed she-brothers?

Chris Brown – As far as his performance, all I can say is …He beat Rihanna to a pulp & don’t you ever forget it.

Jennifer Hudson – I’m sure she’s just hungry, but the dead eyes and the blank stare make me think she’s become a Scientologist. Xenu loves your weight loss!

Kelly Clarkson – Who Framed Kelly Clarkson? Apparently her stylist. We now know where all the weight that JHud lost went.

Enrique Iglesias – Rockin’ a Bieber wig. I wish I could say … I like it!

Rihanna – It may have only been for Soul/R+B album but she finally got to beat Chris Brown.

Jennifer Lopez – She ruined what would have possibly been considered the best performance of the night if it weren’t for that whole soul crushing Fiat Debacle. That being said, I’d like to see another 42-year-old mother-of- two pull off dancing in that Britney Spears Toxic nude bodysuit? The Remains of Britney couldn’t wear it today and she’s 29.

Katy Perry – in a pink Joan Crawford ‘Mildred Pierce’ wig! Curled bangs are a bitch!

Casey Anthony – Oh wait, it’s Alanis Morissette. ‘Memba her?

Mary J. Blige – The animal print dress makes me think she’s now resorting to dressing like the women normally found at her concert.

Ellie Goulding – Christina Aguilera circa 2000. Tears.

Bruno Mars – Para bailar La Bamba.

Christina Aguilera – She didn’t shave her head, almost lose custody of her kid, get wheeled out on a gurney, get put under a conservatorship, lose the ability to actually sing and dance… but she sure looks like she did! She’s got the moves like … Jaegermeister.

Gavin Degraw – or Dane Cook if he was one of The Cullens in “Twilight.”

Daughtry – Bathroom break – Have a seat, Willie. That performance really was 3D – disjointed, disastrous, and dreadful.

Vanessa Lachey – That’s right you heard correctly.

LMFAO – I’m all for songs that bring out your inner dork, but the Biebs took it to a whole new level. They should have all quit while they were ahead, because that “Sexy and I Know It” portion was such a big mess that I was waiting for authorities to rush in and start pepper spraying peeps on stage.

Monday, September 19, 2011

2011 Emmys

Things learned watching the 2011 Emmy Awards:

1. I watch way too much reality TV because I’ve never heard about a quarter of these scripted shows. “Detroit 187” who? “Justified” what?
2. If Kate Winslet agrees to do anything on television, you damn well better give her an award.
3. From Julie Bowen to Melissa McCarthy to Peter Dinklage, this year's winners really did come in all shapes and sizes.
4. They still make TV miniseries.
5. With a record number of musical numbers and gay references, the Emmys are the new Tonys.
6. And on the seventh day God created … Sofia Vergara.
7. Michael Bolton performances should come with a warning, ear plugs and a five second delay.
8. I have a new celebrity crush/obsession – newly skinny and hot “Enoturage” star Jerry Ferrara. Wowza!
9. Ellen, Neil Patrick Harris, Queen Latifah, Hugh Jackman and now Jane Lynch – see, only gays can host award shows! That being said, I think Eddie Murphy will do a swell job at the Oscars.
10. They opened a really good Abbey in downtown LA? Who knew?

I interrupt your regularly scheduled episode of “Real Housewives” or “Jersey Shore” to bring you this scripted television award show recap. Feel free to tell me your thoughts, critiques and/or praises!

-Johnny Lopez

Jane Lynch – Thought she did a pretty good job in making the Emmys amusing and bearable this year (minus the endless miniseries/TV movie portion); unfortunately the funniest thing she was in was … her opening number gown!

Juliana Margulies – Unless Lady Gaga wants her paper mache’ dog cone collar back, someone get the Good Wife to the fashion E.R. stat!

Zooey Deschanel – The “New Girl” is … Loretta Lynn. 500 Days of Coal Miner’s Daughter.

Steve Levitan (creator of “Modern Family’) – or was it Ray Romano?

Charlie Sheen – Martin Sheen must have cashed in some favors, how else to explain Hollywood allowing for his redemption tour this soon?! Now if he was a woman … (please see Lindsay Lohan).

Sofia Vergara – Julie Bowen may have gotten the Emmy, but Sofia will always be the winner. Damn!

Rob Lowe – The real life Dorian Gray. I’ll have whatever he and John Stamos are having.

Amy Poehler – Funniest moment of the night, but they should have killed the pageant crown and flowers part and let us pretend the entire Best Actress in a comedy bit wasn’t staged.

Melissa McCarthy – Congratulations on winning an Emmy for “Bridesmaids,” because no one has seen “Mike & Molly.”

David Spade – He and Jane Lynch obviously share a hairstylist.

Ian Somerhalder – “True Blood” & “Twilight” ain’t got nothing on Team Damon.

Nina Dobrev – The “Vampire Diaries” star is ready for her close up. Best dressed of the night!

Kerry Washington – Stunning! That dress was MAYJAH!!!

Ashton Kutcher – Is he joining “Two and a Half Men” or Jesus Christ, Super Star?

Peter Dinklage – Wait, is he in “Two and a Half Men” too?

Red dresses – Winslet, Vergara, Dobrev, Lea Michele, Kerry Washington – Everyone looks amazing in red.

Margo Martindale (Best Supporting Drama Actress winner) – Well, almost everyone. Dress compliments of Joann Fabrics.

Katie Holmes – She could look amazing … if she’d let Suri dress her.

Minka Kelly – You’re gorgeous, newly single and have a TV show debuting this week – and you wear an Italian funeral gown? Vamp it up, Angels!

Entourage cast – Turtle time! Sorry Piven & Grenier (and Jane Lynch), it’s all about Jerry Ferrara now.

In Memoriam – Having the Canadian Tenors open the sad number by walking through the aisles with smoke is about as showy and self indulgent as wearing a meat dress on the red carpet. Is it about the dearly departed or the newly arrived? Hallelujah.

Kate Winslet – Oscar, Grammy (some sorta spoken word album) and now an Emmy. Get Saint Kate to Broadway fast.

Jon Hamm – Ok, ok, I do believe the hype! Dreamy.

Paz de la Huerta – LOVE her crazy ass for always looking like she just slept with a studio exec, senator or valet minutes before walking a red carpet. I don’t watch “Boardwalk Empire” or anything but that loca is talented … in what exactly I don’t know, but she’s seems like a good time.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Wearing Snooki’s workout crop top on the red carpet is never a good idea (doesn’t she read This was possibly her worst outfit since that 2002 McQueen debacle at the Oscars. PS – Seeing her die in “Contagion” is worth the price of admission alone.

Hakuna Matata, my friends.

Monday, August 29, 2011

2011 VMAs

Things learned watching the 2011 VMAs:

1. It’s amazing how much of Lady Gaga’s creativity, effort and nonsense it takes to bore me.
2. I love Jessie J’s performances – all 37 one-second of them!
3. Britney and Amy Winehouse both get tributes. You do the math.
4. Thanks to her post-rehab look, I can now tell the difference between Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez. I think.
5. Chris Brown should join the circus. No, really.
6. With everyone and their protégé trying so damn hard these days, Britney’s complete lack of innovation, effort or hair care is downright refreshing y’all.
7. The VMAs have become about as edgy as the Kids Choice Awards. Someone slime Jo Calderone!

Here are some words about last night’s VMAs. I'd love to hear yours.

-Johnny Lopez

Lady Sha Na Na – With her greaser chic and an endless monologue, Lady G was more annoying than Hurricane Irene. No longer content with just mimicking Madonna, Gags has moved on to imitating the late Andy Kaufman. There’s a new Man on the Moon and it’s Jo Calderone! It won’t be long before he’s wrestling Octomom on TV. And now that she has the entire pop landscape wearing ridiculous outfits and headgear, she really needs to tone it down and start walking around in jeans, tank top and her hair in a ponytail. Now that would be shocking!

Jessie J – Makeup by Duncan Hines.

Nicki Minaj – If Punky Brewster was a Harajuko girl with SARS and appearing in a Katy Perry video this is exactly what she’d wear. I’d pay to see her walk through “South Side Jamaica Queens” in one of these getups.

Britney Spears – OK MTV you can stop feeling bad for allowing Brit to implode at the VMAs in 2007. No more sympathy awards, specials or tributes. And how long before someone in her camp lets her know that Jo Calderone really is Gaga?

Beyonce -- Who runs the world? Beyonce’s unborn baby! She runs this mutha!

Jay-Z – At least one person – other than RiRi -- hasn’t forgotten what Chris Brown did. Everyone else just sit yo asses down!

Dave Grohl – I always wondered what Steven Cojo would look like if he were straight.

Tyler the Creator – um who?

Demi Lovato – The dirtier NC-17 Selena Gomez.

Katy Perry – Do they sell pink hair and cheese block hats at The Gap now? Or Does Lady Gaga have a line at Forever 21? Katy’s gear is always off.

Gabe Saporta (lead singer) from Cobra Starship – or was it Christian Bale in “The Fighter”?

Robin Antin/Pussycat Dolls – The perfect face to guard Kim K. Yowzers!

Kreayshawn – Amy Winehouse has RISEN!

Foster the People – They look like adorable little nerds but you know they’re probably just pumped up hipster douches.

Adele – No bells and whistles, backup dancers, aerialists, absurd outfits, or censored bleeps. She’s pure artistry. But what was with her seriously scary Pan’s Labyrinth nails?!

Justin Bieber – Styling by “The Weakest Link.” Good bye!

Chris Brown – He’s homophobic and beats women, yet his biggest fans are gays and females. Get it together, people.

Selena Gomez – Who doesn’t love a Disney star in a same-sex relationship?

Taylor Lautner – His stylist should be fired for putting him in that shirt. In any shirt!

Jersey Shore gals – When they clean up, they are a hemline away from becoming Kardashians.

Russell Brand – He was about as funny as the year he hosted.

Bruno Mars – I loved Lady Gaga’s tribute to Amy.

Katie Holmes – You know your career is in troubs when people know you as Suri’s mom.

Lil Wayne – The illegitimate love child of Slash, Flava Flav, Whoopi Goldberg and Animal from The Muppets.

Monday, February 28, 2011

2011 Oscars

Things I learned watching the 83rd Annual Academy Awards:

1. They didn’t need a host, they needed FEMA … because it was a disaster zone.
2. James Franco & Anne Hathaway are the new Rob Lowe & Snow White.
3. More Kirk Douglas, please.
4. The world is seriously fucked up when someone like Jennifer Hudson introduces Gwyneth Paltrow’s, er, singing.
5. The only person watching the Oscars and laughing was Ricky Gervais.
6. Melissa Leo is as classy as her character in “The Fighter.”
7. Annette Bening is now on suicide watch.
8. Everyone and their mother brought their mother as their date.
9. Some award shows could actually use Lady Gaga in an egg.

It’s actually dumb to complain about how bad the Oscars are, because that’s partly why we all watch them. That being said, they were particularly awful. Adding to that was the lack of star power (no Julia, Tom, Johnny, Cameron, Salma, George, J.Lo, Brangelina, etc.), no Bjork outfits and no upsets. The entire night was about as interesting as a CBS sitcom.

As always, feel free to send me your thoughts and comments to

--Johnny Lopez

James Franco – And you thought seeing him cut off his arm in “127 Hours” was hard to watch! At least we got to see him in that leotard. Thank God he has “General Hospital” to fall back on.

Anne Hathaway – She had about as much chemistry with Franco as Ellen DeGeneres and Bill Pullman in “Mr. Wrong.” At least she made an effort, which is more than can be said about Mr. Franco.

Kirk Douglas – in the “King’s Speech.” Who knew this would be the highlight of the entire night? I was waiting for him to mumble “GLADIATOR!” We’ve found next year’s host.

Melissa Leo – The fur ad/self-promotion campaign worked, but her table doily dress didn’t. Where were the “Fighter” sisters???

Mila Kunis/Justin Timberlake – Proof that anything is possible: 10 years ago we’d laugh at the thought of that girl on “That 70s Show” and the lead singer of N’SYNC presenting at the Oscars. RIP Ashton and Britney.

Javier Bardem/Josh Brolin – Garçon, table 4 needs more water.

Russell Brand – Not even he wanted to be seen at the Oscars with Katy Perry.

Helen Mirren – Sorry H, James Franco is THE QUEEN.

Reese Witherspoon – She’s an Oscar winner. Really?! Elle Woods goes to the Academy Awards wearing Julia Roberts’ 2001 Oscar-winning dress and Madonna’s 1995 VMAs hair (google it!).

Christian Bale – One day he’ll win another Oscar… for playing Charlie Sheen.

Hugh Jackman – The only guy at the Kodak with a bigger beard than Christian Bale.

Nicole Kidman – Hostess at PF Chang’s REALNESS!

Trent Reznor – Winning an Oscar is so Goth. Usually, guys don’t go from indie outsider freak to buff mainstream hunk without coming out of the closet and moving to the big city first.

Scarlett Johansson – She spent so much time trying to pour herself into that fitted lace number that she forgot to blow dry her hair.

Matthew McConaughey – Amber Alert! GTO -- Gym, Tan, Oscars!

Marisa Tomei – She’s the (completely) white Halle Berry… doesn’t age! But the bottom of her dress was from A Different World.

Cate Blanchett – Yeah, I know since its Givenchy Couture I’m supposed to say it’s amazing. If a 6-ft. supermodel wore it, maybe, but on an androgynous actress it just looked awkward.

Randy Newman – Even he knows Cher should have been the 5th nom for Best Song. Shame!

Mandy Moore – ‘Memba her?

Luke Matheny – (the bushy-haired guy who won for Live Action Short Film) or was it Horshack from “Welcome Back Kotter”?

Amy Adams – Please lose the necklace. Paging Lindsay Lohan!

Jake Gyllenhaal – Screw an Oscar, I want a JAKE! On second thought, I want to screw Jake!

Oprah – The real winner of Best Supporting Actress… O’s top.

Billy Crystal – Unable to reach Gervais, the Academy managed to send a car for Billy Crystal just in time to try and save the show. But when did he turn into Susan Boyle with a receding hairline?

Robert Downey Jr. – If he can be Iron Man, then there’s hope Lindsay will be cast as “Wonder Woman.” Oh wait, Hollywood only forgives male drug addicts.

Jude Law – Yeah he went there with Downey. Even if it was planned, it was still funny.

Sharon Stone – Styling by Bram Stoker.

Jennifer Hudson – Not even Chaz Bono has gone through that much of a physical transformation.

Florence (& the Machine) Welch – If she’s really only 24 years old, then she must be measuring it in Dog Days!

Gwyneth Paltrow – Almost as unlistenable as Kirk Douglas. I swear, her gold Barbarella-inspired arrival dress was once worn by Shauna Sand… except it was cut just above the vadge.

Celine Dion – After performing in Vegas for all those years, she’s used to singing for the dead.

Halle Berry – She will never age… and probably never make a good movie again. It’s a give and take.

Hilary Swank – Natalie Portman will use Hilary as a human shield when Annette Bening attacks her in the Kodak Theater parking lot.

Kathryn Bigelow – Needs to throw that dress back into her Hurt Locker.

Helena Bonham Carter – Only Helena could come dressed as her character in “Harry Potter” and be criticized for playing it safe.

Hailee Steinfeld – Winner of the Keisha Castle-Hughes Best Supporting Actress Teen Nom Memorial Award.

Jennifer Lawrence – She’s talented, gorgeous and has a great body, but just because the Oscars are held at a mall (yes, the Kodak Theater is in a mall!) doesn’t mean you should get your dress at American Apparel.

Michelle Williams – Is taking the Twiggy thing too far with the weird British accent on the red carpet. Am I the only one that goes “awwwww” -- like she’s an injured puppy every time I see her?

Jesse Eisenberg – Hair by no one.

Na WeWe – Short Film nom or one of the new Real Housewives of Atlanta?

Banksy – He’s lucky he lost, because his legions of hipster fans would have abandoned him the instant they read his name. What’s the point of liking an edgy, subversive artist if everyone knows about him, right?

Annette Bening – The Susan Lucci of the Oscars. The only bigger loser … her stylist.

Natalie Portman – I guess “ums” are the new Portman Laugh®. I hope Nat doesn’t put down her Oscar, because Winona Ryder will steal it.

Sandra Bullock – It’s been a year since she got her Oscar – and caught her husband cheating, divorced, adopted a baby and won the world over. She’s either going to be anointed a saint… or get a DUI.

Colin Firth – If you liked him in “King’s Speech” then you’ll love him in last year’s “Single Man” – the movie he should have won for.

PS 22 – Cute, but maybe they could have gone on before 11:30 pm ET so their classmates in Staten Island could watch. Just sayin’…