2009 VMAs

The 2009 MTV VMAs -- 9/14/09


Things learned by watching the 2009 VMAs

1. The VMAs should always be in NYC. The Paramount Lot can’t compete with the New York Metropolitan Transit Authority.

2. In case of emergency, Madonna’s cheeks may be used as a flotation device.

3. Pink and Shakira need to have a serious talk with the House of Balmain. Where’s Rachel Zoe when you need her?

4. Camel toe is the new black. See Beyonce, GaGa, Amber Rose, Katy Perry, Pink.

5. If you didn’t know who Taylor Swift was before, now ya do! No sex tape or flashing her Britney necessary.

6. Despite my better judgment and the fact that “Twilight” was total BASURA, I still kinda wanna see “New Moon.” Damn you, Jacob!

7. As proved by her bloody performance, Lady GaGa is not a man … PERIOD.


Minus Russell Brand, it was the best VMAs in a long time -- and all it took was the death of an icon and the public humiliation of a teenager to make it happen. If you didn’t catch the show, watch it the same place you view music videos … on Youtubes.

As always, feel free to send me your comments and feedback at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com. Enjoy!

Madonna -- The Queen of Pop honors the late King of Pop by talking about … herself! Beside both being born in ’58 and having 8 siblings, she forgot to mention their mutual love for injectables. Where’s the investigation into who is plying her with all that botox?! Who else cringed when she said “boys loved him too?” Oopsies.

Michael Jackson Tribute – Giving. Living. Serving. Werking. Prance! So which Michael Jackson are you gonna be for Halloween?

Janet Jackson – Legendary! If only her career aged as well as she does. Don’t get me wrong I love me some Damita Jo, but JJ needs a hit so bad it makes me want to Scream.

Katy Perry and Joe Perry – I thought they were gonna makeout, but then realized lesbian kisses are so VMAs 2003.

Russell Brand – Less an award show host and more like that annoying cracked out friend rambling in your ear at 3 AM.

Criss Judd – at the VMAs … working! Did J.Lo throw him a bone and get him the gig as Janet’s backup dancer? He’s come full circle.

Shakira – The only thing worse than showing up in the same dress as Pink … realizing that you are the only one wearing those awful Rubbermaid deep sea fishing stiletto boots. Ahhh ewwww!

Taylor Lautner – Is there even a question? Pedophilia be damned, Team Jacob all the way.

Taylor Swift – She has two words for Kanye: THANK YOU! Seeing her standing on stage in shock was like her very own “Carrie” prom night moment – only there was no pig’s blood, only a pig. Even Mickey Mouse couldn’t make the F-train look as much like a Disneyland ride as Taylor did. How sterilized has Manhattan become that she isn’t afraid to ride the subway?! She’ America’s golden girl … until the DUI.

Kanye West – Another male hip-hop artist beats up a female pop star! He Chris Brown’d Taylor in front of the world. He couldn’t be a bigger douche bag if he was an Ed Hardy spokesperson. Somebody gonna check him, boo!

Jack Black – Shush.

Leighton Meester – LOVE her – the dress not so much. If you’re not watching “Gossip Girl” you really don’t know what you’re missing. XOXO

Lady GaGa – Just when I was getting completely over her, the bitch out does herself with the retarded outfits, the death by menstrual blood hanging performance and thanking “the gays.” Love how any remotely poignant moment (Madonna babbling, Janet dancing, Taylor Swift turning to dust, Jay-Z’s NYC anthem) was completely ruined by a hysterical shot of Gags in one of her various ensembles (Neck braced wild west saloon waitress at an Eyes Wide Shut party, Heat Miser red burka or Abominable coconut macaroon ) in the audience. However, I could have done without re-using Madge’s 1990 VMAs Vogue set or starting the performance rolling around on the floor like a virgin.

Kristin Cavallari – Oh how I’ve missed this Laguna Bitch! LC who? Can not wait for THE HILLS!

Britney – Two years ago at the VMAs she imploded in front of our very eyes. At last year’s VMAs she was medically and parentally resurrected. Now she’s just boring … but you know she’s still completely bonkers. At least she’s consistent.

Megan Fox – or as we call her at work: 3 AM Angelina Jolie. Gorgeous, yes, but no matter how glammed up she is, you know she reeks of Raspberry Smirnoff and Newports.

Adam Brody – Memba him?

Kristen Stewart -- Doing her best Rumer Willis impersonation.

Robert Pattinson – Sorry, I just don’t get the fascination with his pasty emo ass.

Beyonce – Diva! Our Lady of the Unitard can do no wrong! She always manages to stay classy despite dancing around with her vadge in your face. You know she’s gonna have Hova “talk” to Kanye, but like Taylor, she really does owe him. I can’t wait until they are all on Oprah!

Solange Knowles – She wasn’t a guest, just a seat filler.

Jamie Lynn Sigler – Have another Vicodin, Jamie and maybe you’ll be able to maneuver the stairs in those heels.

Jennifer Lopez – Finally something more bizarre than her attraction to Speedy Gonzalez, er, I mean Marc Anthony … the David Carradine crushed velvet auto-erotic arm warmers.

Eminem – Manorexia Nervosa! When did he morph into Sinead O’Connor? I love that GaGa made him her bitch and had him hold her award during her acceptance speech. Feminem is her newest gay!

Serena Williams – or that controversial runner with “internalized testes”?

Pink – With one performance Pink just brought back “Circus of the Stars.” The likes of Traci Bingham and Danny Bonaduce better start practicing their tight rope. All that hard work and her performance was lost somewhere between Taylor Swift’s tears, Madonna’s immobile brow and GaGa’s hemorrhage. Sober, indeed.

Andy Samberg – At the Video Music Library Awards. That Dewey Decimal System is off the chain, yo!

Jay-Z – Like an Atlanta Housewife, he’s gonna have to take Kanye out for “a glass of wine” to discuss the situation. Trust.

Alicia Keys – She’s gorgeous, can sing and play the piano. About the only thing she can’t do is gracefully walk in heels.

Lil Mama – Bow Wow with a wig tried jumping on Jay and Alicia’s performance. She may have grown up on the streets of East New York (Brooklyn) but explain to me how singing about lip gloss gives you street cred?!

2009 Oscars

Things learned from watching the 2009 Tonys Oscars:

1. Musicals are back, except on Broadway. RIP Grease, Gypsy, Hairspray, Spamalot, Spring Awakening.

2. With song & dance numbers, Jackman, Beyonce and “Milk”speeches, it was the gayest Oscars since … last year. So sick of hearing “they were so gay.” Um, it’s the Oscars not NASCAR, when were they ever not gay? Get a grip, foolios.

3. “Slumdog’s” 65 wins assure that we have officially outsourced everything to India. Press 3 and a customer service rep will transfer you to an Oscar winner.

4. Getting previous winners to introduce the acting nominees was cool, although I was afraid the losers might get zapped into the Mickey Rourke career black hole by the Board of Elders. Have mercy on us, Eva Marie Saint! Beam me up, Christopher Walken!

5. Peter Gabriel is gonna kill John Legend.

6. Other than Brangelina, Alicia Keys’ $4 Canal Street wig and the “Slumdog” kids, the red carpet was about as fun as watching “Revolutionary Road.” Let everyone do the red carpet next time!

7. Two words: Jai Ho!

8. Hugh Jackman is perfect.

9. Lisa Rinna took Joan Rivers’ red carpet job – and her face. Meow.

10. The only upset was me – because “Slumdog” won so many damn awards. If you thought Mickey was gonna beat Sean then you clearly put too much emphasis on the sham that is the Golden Globes.


For your consideration … my Oscar recap. Send me your comments, thoughts and criticisms; you know I love to hear them.

All the best!

-Johnny Lopez
thejohnnylopez@gmail.com
www.johnnylopez.com


Hugh Jackman – What in the world would make people suspect that a good looking man with sculpted pecs and abs, that can sing and dance well, loves musicals, has no biological children and is married to a significantly less attractive woman, could possibly be gay?! Now that’s just crazy talk.

Whoopi Goldberg – Seeing her in that leopard print dress was the only thing more ridiculous than the fact she won an Oscar for “Ghost.” She didn’t win for “Color Purple.”

Tilda Swinton – Bird face! Hair by Gordon Gecko. Top by the costume department at Bellevue. What a corporate secretary might wear at a law firm on "Gattaca."

Penelope Cruz – Screw “Slumdog,” “Vicky Christina” was my fave movie of the year. Latest member of the Hollywood pretty female Oscar winner club. Penny now proves the theory; if you get with Tom Cruise and leave before the thetans devour your soul you will get an Oscar. While it worked for Nic, Mimi Rogers is a lost cause – she’s full Scientolocrazy, but there could still be hope for Katie. Run, Suri, run!

Steve Martin & Tina Fey – They better be careful because no one can get away with mocking Scientology. Well, except for Kidman, but it did cost her two adopted children.

Jennifer Aniston – Angie may have Brad, Oscar and the kids, but what does Jen have that Angelina doesn’t? One really stupid braid across her forehead and a great year round tan.

Peter Gabriel – I don’t get him. He won’t sing an edited down version of his nominated song but has no problem going to the Oscars in that Last Samurai tux?!

Dustin Lance Black – He told the gay youth of America what so many don’t have the balls to say. Thank you. The Asian dude may have been funnier, but this was the best speech of the night.

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto – And Styx suddenly jumps to #1 on iTunes, as soon as the kids Google it and find out what it is.

Sarah Jessica Parker – It’s getting severe up in here. Yikes! Between the “Square Pegs” hair and her comedy & tragedy mask bone structure, I barely noticed her tits and the city.

Natalie Portman – Flawless. “Hasidic meth lab.” Gold.

Ben Stiller – Would have been really funny had someone else not done the exact same impersonation the day before at the Independent Spirit Awards. Still funnier than anything “Focker.”

Jessica Biel – Did she lose a bet? How else to explain the “Fact of Life” Jo Polniachek hair and a gown from the slightly irregular section at Linens n Things?

“Pineapple Express” short – a Holocaust comedy? Sold!

Hugh & Beyonce number – Sweet dream or beautiful nightmare? At least it wasn’t boring, right? Beyonce needs to go away for at least a minute. No more performing at award shows, sporting events, inaugurations, Burger King etc … Go take a vacation, get pregnant, go visit Michelle Williams at the Olive Garden. Anything, but just stop. You are more overexposed than a pic of a battered Rihanna.

Zac Efron – Grease is the word.

Vanessa Hudgens – “No, I’m not the chick in ‘Slumdog.’ I swear.”

Dominic Cooper – Mamma Mia! Yum.

Cuba Gooding – The real reason they had him back to the Oscars was so they could repossess his. There is no humanly way possible to make up for “Boat Trip.”

Kevin Klein – He’s contractually bound to let Phoebe Cates out of the house every five years or so. But from the looks of her dress, he hasn’t in about 15.

Javier Bardem – Donde esta, papi?!

Philip Seymour Hoffman – Outfit by the Jay and Silent Bob Fall 1993 Ready to Wear Collection.

Robert Downey Jr – 43 going on 30. Maybe drugs really do do the body good. Playing black don’t crack.

Heath Ledger.

Will Smith – His endless presenting was almost as difficult to get through as “7 Pounds.” Here, give my eyes to Woody Harrelson!

Eddie Murphy – Jerry Lewis is introduced by Eddie. The nutty professor meets the nutty tranny chaser. ‘Memba when Eddie was hysterical ?

Jerry Lewis – Recipient of the Kirk Douglas humanitarian award.

Alicia Keys – Kim from “Real Housewives of Atlanta” is gonna be pissed when she sees Alicia dyed her $7 polyester wig chestnut brown.

John Legend – Peter Gabriel is about to take a sledgehammer to John’s head for agreeing to sing his song.

“Slumdog” songs – I swore that was Eva Longoria or some unaccounted for Kardashian singing. Say it with me, Jai Ho!

Frida Pinto – Gorgeous. Watch as she follows in the steps of Keisha Castle-Hughes or Catalina Sandino Moreno and exits stage left … forever.

Queen Latifah -- The one gig Beyonce turned down. Latifah has been reduced (figuratively speaking of course ) to singing for the dead. RIP.

Reese Witherspoon – Her dress may walk the line between atrocious and abominable, but she still gets to sleep with Jake Gyllenhaal. Jokes on us.

Danny Boyle – Slumdog Morrissey

Sophia Loren – Somewhere between her Italian snarl, giant breasts and arm at the hip pose is some sort of casually orchestrated diva diss aimed directly at Meryl. Arrivederci.

Halle Berry – Quite possibly the most beautiful woman in the world.

Nicole Kidman – acting as elder buddy/praiser/introducer to Angelina Jolie was mindbogglingly bizarre. Like watching mythical deities Aphrodite talk to Eve … in front of you … and on TV.

Marion Cotillard – acting as elder buddy/praiser/introducer to Kate Winslet just didn’t seem right. You know Kate was like ‘I’m about to win my Oscar from this young French chick? Oh bloody hell no!”

Melissa Leo – I swear it was my mom’s sister in Miami. Tia Hortensia, eres tu?!

Brangelina – Bow down, the King and Queen have arrived. I love how they manage to transform the red carpet into a “Mean Girls” high school cafeteria – with everyone else trying to get a morsel of the capt of the football team and head cheerleader. OMG, look over there. It’s Jen Aniston sitting with the band geeks!

Kate Winslet – The Susan Lucci streak is over. Another pretty Oscar winner and she is now the only viable heir to the Meryl Streep throne of peer praise. Still gorgeous despite exhuming Grace Kelly’s waterproof Aqua Net helmet ‘do. Love the dad whistle. She’s the king of the world!

Anthony Hopkins – Can someone please feed him some fava beans and a nice Chianti?!

Adrien Brody – Nope, he was never cute.

Mickey Rourke – He should have won an Oscar … in special effects – for his face! Now that he’s back, before you know it he will be starring in a Kate Hudson romcom … or “Mask 2: Rocky Dennis Lives.”

Robin Wright Penn – She’s got gams for days!! Now if only Sean would let her have a career. Looks like Robin and Phoebe Cates have some chatting to do.

Sean Penn – I really can’t stand that he’s BFFs with Chavez and Castro and spews all that “its not so bad over there” nonsense, but what was there not to love about his performance or speech? Sexy, super masculine, married Madonna and played Harvey Milk perfectly. A hetero male gay icon is born.

2009 Grammys

Things learned from watching the 2009 Grammys:

1. Al Green, Boyz II Men, Paul McCartney, Neil Diamond, Smokey Robinson and Robert Plant successfully turned it into the 2009 GRANNYs.

2. If you attend AND perform at the Grammys while 10 months pregnant and on your due date you can wear whatever the fuck you want.

3. You can win Record and Album of the year with 99% of the public never having heard the song/album before.

4. Music award shows are nothing without some DIVAS, and Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry just don’t cut it. Say what you will about Britney’s talents, but the loon gives good show!

5. We will never truly see a Whitney Houston comeback. She left the building a long, long time ago, people.

6. Believe it or not, Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel are not the same person.

7. Jennifer Hudson is amazing and really lucky … because if she had won “American Idol” she’d probably be performing at state fairs and mall openings with Ruben, Fantasia and Taylor.

8. It’s impossible to tell if U2 comes out with new songs or just repurposes stuff off their last two albums. Was that Vertigo? Beautiful Day?


9. Stevie Wonder needs a new seeing-eye manager.



You know the drill. Read it and weep – and then send me your comments.

-Johnny Lopez



U2 – “Get On Your Boots” and stop remaking the same damn song over and over. Madonna may not be the only 50-year-old pop star jumping around the stage, but at least she doesn’t need Bono’s cataract shades.

Whitney Houston – we now have a drinking problem. The second coming of Jesus is likely to arrive sooner than Whitney’s. Just because you are alive and standing upright does not mean you deserve a standing ovation.

Jennifer Hudson – Has she not suffered enough? Why didn’t her date remove her dinner napkin from Red Lobsters before going up to the podium?!

Justin Timberlake – Kudos for filling in while Chris Brown and Rihanna figure out when to appear on “Jerry Springer.”

Chris Brown & Rihanna – Title of their new duet “No Officer, Everything Is Fine.” Turns out an umbrella really is RiRi’s biggest hit. Ouch!

Boyz II Men – Suddenly it’s 1993 all over again.

Coldplay – In their Rainbow Brite Rhythm Nation uniforms.

Carrie Underwood – With Rihanna no longer being music’s untouchable pop princess, it won’t be long now before an unwanted pregnancy, pill addiction or an allegation of kleptomania surfaces.

LeAnn Rimes – Would it kill her to wash her damaged hair?

Duffy, Adele, Estelle – Please identify yourselves to America.

Adele – Was she going to the Grammys or to a prom in 1962? It’s Betty Crocker chic. She’s going to have a huge career … like former Best New Artist winners Shelby Lynne, Evanescence and Paula Cole.

Kenny Chesney -- DELETE.

Taylor Swift & Miley Cyrus – Does Miley even remember being 15? Wasn’t that over 20 years ago?

Robert Plant – For the love of Steely Dan, WTF is a homeless man Mickey Rourke Robert Plant doing winning record and album of the year. Because when you think back to the music of 2008 the song everyone will remember is Low Bleeding Love Disturbia “Please Read the Letter.” Que?!

Nicole Kidman – Does she even know who Keith Urban is? I still have a hard time believing they are legit or that she even really birthed her own child. This is the same woman who was married to Tom Cruise for ten years and didn’t covert to Scientolocrazy, so you know she’s capable of anything!

Stevie Wonder – He’s lucky in so far as he will never have to see his performance with the Jonas Brothers. My eyes! My eyes! Demi Lovato, your Aretha duet awaits!

Paula Abdul & Lisa Rinna – HAIR WARS! Miss Venezuela contestants circa 1975.

Cyndi Lauper – Marie Antoinette just wants to have fun. Off with her head.

Jonas Brothers – No pomade, fitted suit or duet in the world can make these evangelical Christian dandy boy banders cool. That being said, Joe Jonas … call me!

Blink 182 – ‘Memba them?! I’ll give a dollar to anyone who actually cares that they are getting back together.

Katy Perry – I didn’t like it. It was just like Britney’s infamous VMA/Gimme More debacle but minus the Klonopin haze and rehearsed choreography. Abysmal.

Kanye West – It’s never good when you get upstaged by your Kurtis Blow mullet weave. Yes Yes y’all.

M.I.A.– Loved. Ain’t nobody got swagga like huh! She is officially cooler than everyone! The only thing that could have topped the performance with the Rap Pack was if her water broke. She needs to give birth today so she can sing her “Slumdog” song at the Oscars in 2 weeks.

Dave Grohl – As if I didn’t love him and the Foo Fighters enough, Dave wore a marriage equality white knot at arrivals. Nirvana!

John Mayer – Since he spends all his time “not dating” a plethora of actresses, I almost forgot what it is that made him famous to begin with … his gargantuan head.

The only thing more bloated than Nikki Cox’s lips – her husband Jay Mohr.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Unless she’s rehearsing the Paso Doble, she needs to return that dress thing to Carrie Ann Inaba.

Radiohead – Is it me or does Thom Yorke look like Martin Short’s albino, lazy-eyed Jackie Rogers Jr. character on SNL? Thom may be a whack job but they are genius. That’s what you’re supposed to say, right?

It’s not an award show unless Samuel L. Jackson presents. But I didn’t think he and Morgan Freeman were contractually allowed to appear at the same event.

Smokey Robinson – It’s kind of twisted that Smokey’s doctor butchered his face in such a way that he always looks happy. Oh, the irony.

NeYo – He had something completely different in mind when he was asked to perform with four tops. How you doing?!

Neil Diamond – Welcome to last call at every straight frat/college bar in North America – or as I like to call it … HELL. Bah bah bah!

In Memoriam – Considering the musical lineup, was it this year’s departed or upcoming performers?!

Lil Wayne – It’s ok. You can leave your moms, baby mamas and chillens in their seats when you accept your award. No, really, you can.

2009 Golden Globes

Things learned from watching the 2009 Golden Globes:

1. The only thing the Globes love more than Kate Winslet is a rehabbed star’s comeback. With Mickey Rourke and Colin Farrell taking home gold, all that was missing was for Britney Spears to win an award.

2. Sting going brown is the most traumatic television hair event to happen since Felicity cut off her curly locks.

3. Renee Zellweger and Drew Barrymore must have the same dealer. How else do you explain the fact that they both thought they were going to the Oil Baron’s Ball in Dallas?

4. “Slumdog Millionaire” is this year’s “Little Miss Sunshine,” only more plausible and with less coinky dinks than “Crash.”

5. “Milk” and Sean Penn were robbed.

6. Kate Capshaw is like Katie Holmes minus all the brainswashing. Some day her husband will allow her to act in a movie again.

7. The Great Ryan Seacrest/Brangelina Chase and Snub of ’09 may be the only thing you see on TV this year funnier than “30 Rock” or “Summer Heights High.”

8. Having the Jonas Bros. present should do a bang up job of boosting the tween ticket sales of crowd-pleasing mall flicks like “The Reader” and “Frost/Nixon.”

9. J.Lo opened the show and Tom Cruise closed it, Scientology deprogramming begins now!

Send any feedback to me at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com or check out www.johnnylopez.com

Enjoy!



Jennifer Lopez – Somewhere near the corner of Highland and Santa Monica Blvd. there’s a former man missing one Solid Gold Vegas cocktail waitress minidress. “Hello, Mama’s talking.” She even talks like a drag queen. Marc Anthony finally looked better than she did.

Kate Winslet – How sad is it that she’s an amazing actress and will probably finally win her long overdue Oscar this year, but all anyone wants to talk about is her weight?!

Sting – The Bonofication of Gordon Sumner is complete.

Eva Longoria – Despite the fact that her show won in the ratings last night, the entire relevance of “Desperate Housewives” lies solely on her 47 lb bird shoulders. Where’s that Teri Hatcher “I used to be a has been” speech?

Rumer Willis – How do you get back at your super-gorgeous Hollywood mom for calling you out on national television and taking your spotlight away? By sleeping with her man-boy husband, silly. Hell has no fury like a celebuspawn scorned! Ding. You’re done. Can someone please take the purple dye out of her hair? It’s beginning to stain.

Laura Dern – It must suck getting offered all the roles Laura Linney passes on. On the bright side, who knew there were so many roles for pound cake-faced actresses?!

Don Cheadle – We’re all waiting for the Terrence Howard/Iron Man death match to commence.

Eva Mendes – Jade jewelry never looked so good.

Zac Efron – Hair and makeup compliments of Exxon Valdez.

Zachary Quinto – Somehow he gets hotter and hotter. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for “Heroes.”

Ricky Gervais – If we had wanted to hear a Holocaust joke we would have all gone to see “Valkyrie.”

Sally Hawkins – Her win will hopefully take her places … like to the Karen Carpenter Wing of Cedar-Sinai. Apparently she’s not so Happy Go-Lucky in her head. She had to put the award down, it weighed more than she did!

Anna Paquin – She has an Oscar and a Globe. Now all she needs is to learn how to act.

Jake Gyllenhaal – In another life I want to come back as Reese Witherspoon.

Jessica Lange -- If only she could get as much as work as her face does! Were the shades to hide the bloodshot eyes or the post-op eye tuck?

Drew Barrymore – I LOVED the whole I-took-the-morning-after-pill-and-woke-up-in-night-court hair. It’s like you could almost smell the Aqua Net, cigarettes and gin. The only thing missing was for her to do the red carpet holding her heels. But seriously, it was major!

Tom Hanks – Can’t he throw Peter Scolari and Meg Ryan a bone and get them some extra work in a good film?!

Rita Wilson – Tom’s real Bosom Buddy -- My Big Fat Greek Breasts! Yowzer!

Demi Moore – Why isn’t she sharing her fountain of youth Kabbalah water with Madge? Demi looks good and no feline features yet.

Christopher Nolan – Next to Mickey Rourke’s makeup department, accepting Heath Ledger’s award was the hardest job of the night.

Colin Farrell – ‘memba him?! It’s amazing how sleeping with half of Hollywood, rehab and starring in a string of bombs will humble a guy.

Maggie Gyllenhaal – She really does all she can with what she’s got. No offense, but it’s true.

Laura Linney – Is she contractually bound to have her hair, skin, makeup and dress all match?

Elizabeth Banks – or was it Julie Benz … or Kristin Bell or …

Seth Rogen -- #1 in his class at the Judd Apatow Beauty School for Character Actors Who Want to Be Leading Men.

Alec Baldwin – Since when does he call his “thoughtless little pig” by her birth name?

Jeremy Piven – Mercury poisoning is the new exhaustion. Leave your rickety mom at home. She’s tired!

Renee Zellweger – The lost Mandrell sister surfaces. The Sharon Stone Torch of Red Carpet Crazy has officially been passed on. From the Julia Roberts “Charlie Wilson’s War” hair, to the sheer madness of the bodice to the Morticia Addams skirt, Renee has completely lost it..

Megan Fox – If she were really a tranny she’d be dating Eddie Murphy not David Silver.

Glenn Close – The outfit was perfect -- if Bea Arthur was starring in a Bollywood musical about Liberace’s life! She better sue her stylist for punitive Damages.

David Duchovny – As far as I could tell, he did not have sex with anyone at the show, but love that he mentioned his wife so as to stifle all the breakup rumors.

Tina Fey – In the name of cleavage, Sarah Palin! She is one award show away from wearing a J.Lo dress.

Tracy Morgan – Best acceptance speech next to Sally Hawkins’ epileptic fit. Somebody tell Mariah Carey, Derek Jeter and Tiger Woods they are no longer the faces of post-racial America.

Steven Spielberg – Mysteriously missing from his GG retrospective: Hook and The Terminal. Hmmmmm.

Salma Hayek – Her gushing admiration for gal pal Penelope Cruz made me feel like I was watching an episode of The El Word.

Penelope Cruz – “Vicky Christina Barcelona” is such a good film and its Penelope’s best acting role since playing Tom Cruise’s girlfriend in real life. She was this close to being Suri’s mom. This close. How the hell did she get out of that one?!

Sacha Baron Cohen – Did a Madonna joke actually get more groans than a Holocaust one?! Really? Oy vey!

“Slumdog” actors – It’s great that we now have a couple more talented famous Indian actors in Hollywood like, er, like, um, like, er …. It’s a great movie.

Mickey Rourke – Is it me or did he look like the Cheshire Cat? Now that his career has been exhumed, it should be no time before all those disfigured mutant roles, Rocky Dennis remakes or Michael Myers mask “Halloween” pour in.

Tom Cruise – Bringing your mom to the award is so late ‘90s. I would have thought by now he’d have the fully fuctioning Katie Holmes 3000 replicant up and running to attend these things when the “real” Katie is too busy parading Suri down the streets of Midtown Manhattan.

2008 American Music Awards -- 11/24/08

Things learned from watching the 2008 AMAs

1. No one actually gets an award at these things. That’s for the end credits, silly.
2. Like the GOP, the VMAs have a lot of strategizing to do for next year. They got served!
3. Pink should perform with everyone.
4. Peeps should be less concerned with their kids being taught about gay marriage in schools (it’s coming y’all) and more worried with the usual onslaught of pole dancing lessons from the Pussycat Dolls.
5. There are no commercially viable rock acts. And adult contemporary artists like Coldplay don’t count.
6. ‘80s prom dresses have taken over the red carpet. Molly Ringwald is a genius!
7. The AMAs are voted on by fans, which means they are worth about as much as Lehman Bros. stock.

The AMAs had the best lineup they’ve ever had and finally realized that no one wants to see 3 Doors Down, Rascal Flats or Bebe Winans perform on primetime TV. Amen.

Feel free to send me your thoughts and critiques.

Until the Golden Globes in two months!

Xoxo

Johnny Lopez

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

 

Christina Aguilera – Not loving the hair. It looked half-done. Almost thought it was Victoria Jackson doing an SNL sketch. Ah, the ever classic song medley but I can’t think of anything I want to buy less than a Christina Aguilera greatest hits. Does anyone really want to hear “What a Girl Wants” again? Maybe in 10 years, when Brooklyn hipsters are discovering the teen pop craze of the turn of the century.

Rihanna – Complete and total dress failure. Sweetie, it’s called a cocktail dress not a cocktail napkin. Disturbia, indeed. Trend failure alert: bedazzled eye patch. Arrggh! And why is she borrowing Prince’s Linda Dano weave?! Y’all know “Pon de Replay” was supposed to be a one-hit wonder. At least that’s what Beyonce was told.

New Kids on the Block – The only thing scarier than Donny Wahlberg in the “Saw” films is Donny Wahlberg singing and dancing on stage. Jonas Brothers got the biggest cheers from the kids, NKOTB from their moms. Backstreet Boys should try their comeback again in 10 years – see Xtina/Brooklyn hipsters.

Paris Hilton – Seeing her slinking on stage after her self-imposed prison sentence in Madden-ville with her ex-borefriend brings flashbacks to 2006 -- when Lindsay was straight, Britney was crazy and the only thing Nicole Richie could birth was a hangover.

Scott Weiland – Stoned Temple Pilot. Don’t know if he is, but his look will sober anyone up in no time.

Pink – The faux-dyke can sang! Give it! I’m glad she’s embracing her inner-Lipstick and wearing gowns and getting her hair did. Although they sounded awesome together, someone please stop her and Sarah Mclachlan before a new Lilith Fair is launched.

David Cook – Are "American Idols" allowed to wear Kathy Bates’ hairdo with guyliner. 

Taylor Swift – Imagine that, Taylor Swift in a glitter gown. Who would’ve thunk it? She’s about an album away from an unwed pregnancy. Was she in “The Dark Crystal?”

Rascal Flatts – I love an all lesbian band.

Ne-Yo – If I see one more fedora on a singer, I’m a gonna kill Justin Timberlake.

Kanye West – For someone who thinks he’s so smart, he sho doesn’t get why everyone hates a pompous asshole. It’s ok to wannabe the next Elvis, you just can’t say it out loud.

Jesse McCartney – He looks like a cross between a young Leo DiCaprio and a young Rachel Maddow.

Leona Lewis – Carrie Bradshaw got spray tanned!  Does the world really need a British Mariah?

Billy Ray Cyrus – Shave the goatee (and add a mustache) and you got Kelly Clarkson. The frightening thing is that Miley was just being conceived when I was tuning out “Achy Breaky Heart” in 1992!

Miley Cyrus – People keep saying, “Oh, she’s just acting her age.” And I’m thinking, since when do 43-year-olds run around a stage like that?!

David Archuleta – lawn gnome.

Kenny Chesney – The only singer with a bigger beard than ZZ Top, only his is Kimberly Williams.

Coldplay – Between the pianos, confetti and smoke, I was expecting Liberace to rise up from the grave.

Richie Sambora and Colbie Caillat – or Robert Evans and Jen Aniston?

Alicia Keys – Trend failure alert #2: Indian forehead jewelry. I thought we did away with that back in ’97 with Gwen Stefani. Alicia mentioned on the red carpet she was excited to see Natalie Imbruglia perform. A.) It’s not 1998 B.) Natalie was not there or scheduled to perform. C.) She must have meant Natasha Bedinfield. All them foreign Caucasian popstars look the same, anyway.

Mariah Carey – You get some special award for being your crazy-self and having tons of hits – but they won’t let you make an acceptance speech. Sorry Kanye, looks like Mariah already is the new Elvis.

Nick Cannon – He got a job ... helping Mimi down the stairs.

Nick Lachey – Does presenting count as a job?!

Daughtry – The male Pussycat Dolls – name one member besides the singer. The one person Chris forgot to thank … his beard trimmer.

Kate Walsh – Is about as lost at this show, as “Private Practice” is in the ratings.

Jordin Sparks – Take a good look at the Nokia Theater, Jordy. You’re gonna be working here some day – at concessions.

Enrique Iglesias – Chico got a new weave! How did he get younger?

Ashley Tisdale – What a nose job couldn’t do, a bottle of hair dye can. Ashley has successfully rendered herself unrecognizable. Somewhere Jennifer Grey is smiling.  Is that Robin from “General Hospital?”

The Jonas Bros –  America’s favorite evangelical Christian dandy boy band may be have a scandal on their hands. One looks Jewish, one looks Latin and the third just looks confused. Mama Jonas has some explaining to do!

The Dream – Now which member of Fat Albert’s gang was he again?

Beyonce – Sasha Fierce is one mean drag queen. The real star of the performance was her ponytail! Loves it. Was that Traci Lords doing backup dancing?! Trend Failure Alert #3: Metallic finger. At least she realized the Freddy Kruger glove was going no where fast.

Pussycat Dolls – Performing immediately following the Jonas Bros. From purity rings to NuvaRing! When I Grow Up … I wanna be a $3 street whore.

St. Justin of Timberlake – How did he become the Tom Hanks of the music biz?

Annie Lennox – No one can compare to Ms. Lennox – despite looking like a de-wigged La Cage Aux Folles extra. Tell me Why.. Someone get her a hat and a pashmina stat!

Natasha Bedinfield – I feel bad for Nat. First for her ill-fitting pant suit at arrivals, but mostly because she will always be known as the chick who sang the song from “The Hills.” And that cannot be  UNWRITTEN.

Motley Crue – After presenting, the band was quickly chauffeured back to their home at the LaBrea Tar Pits.

Sarah McLachlan & Pink – Divorced women never looked – and sounded -- so good. Was that song on Sarah’s first, second, third or fourth CD? Oh what the hell. Like anyone can tell a Mclachlan album apart!

Joe Perry/Steven Tyler – Co-chairs of the South Shore Long Island Linda Richman fan club. Tawks amongst yaselves.

Queen Latifah – She shares the same nearsighted hairstylist as Jar Jar Binks. Now she sang with Alicia Keys. What could those two have in common? Hmmm. I wonder…  No on prop 8!

Latifah/Alicia/Opera chick – that’s all fine and good but the best finale would have been Beyonce Knowles-Carter’s performance. Pull that ponytail, beyatches!

2008 Emmys

Things I Learned from Watching the 2008 Emmy Awards

 

1. Only shoot Oprah from the breasts up.
2. Look how many reality show hosts it takes to bore me! Leave the comedy to the professionals.
3. With no A-list celebs (aka film stars) or musical performances of note (sorry Josh Groban), the Emmys are only slightly less thrilling than CSPAN, but still better than the new “90210.”
4. You know it’s a bad sign when you’re honestly looking forward to the “In Memoriam” segment. Who’d they miss?
5. Tina Fey is so awesome, I may have to vote for McCain just make sure she shows up on SNL for the next 4 years.
6. Josh Groban is to the Emmys what Rob Lowe and Snow White are to the Oscars.
7. With so many networks, airing so many shows that no one is watching, a lot of the TV stars are about as recognizable as going to somebody else’s high school reunion. Did you have Sister Phyllis? “Saving Grace” who? “House” what?!
8. I haven’t seen even a single episode, but I am already so over the “Mad Men” hype!
9. “The Ghost Whisperer” is still on the air.
10. The Emmys are 60, time for early retirement. RIP.

 

Okay, I know you’re supposed to bitch about awards shows and say they were so boring and lasted forever etc., but that was seriously the most uneventful and least exciting awards show since Art and I sat through the Lauren Holly-hosted L.A. Fashion Awards a few years ago. No joke.  And barring the People’s Choice, I’ll watch just about any awards show – you know it was bad.

 

As always feel free to send me your feedback or comments.

 

-Johnny

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

johnnylopez.com

 

Oprah – It’s the great pumpkin, Oprah Winfrey. O may remember her spirit, but she forgot about the spanks!

 

Ryan Seacrest, Tom Bergeron, Howie Mandel, Heidi Klum, Jeff Probst – A midget, a dud, a loon, a sexy cheeseball and a missing tie. There’s nothing like a dead skit and the objectification of women to start a show.

 

Tina Fey – All hail the Queen of Comedy. Sarah Palin has done some good – by giving Tina and “30 Rock” some amazing press.

 

Amy Poehler – With apologies to Jean Smart, Amy was robbed! No one deserves a comedy Emmy more.

 

Jeremy Piven – His hair weaver deserves an award too.

 

Julia Louis Dreyfus – The Seinfeld curse lives! What was worse: her Palin ‘do or the Pepto aBismol gown?

 

Jean Smart – Nothing against her. I actually really like her, but please return what is rightfully Amy Poehler’s. And someone get the name of her Botoxologist.

 

The Desperate Housewives – From Dana Delany’s disco dress, Marcia Cross’ awkward length Cinderella gown, Teri Hatcher’s yellow scare, Eva Longoria’s unflattering bowed flapper smock and Nicollette Sheridan’s purple monstrosity, the ladies of Wisteria Lane looked like they rummaged through the Project Runway reject pile. So that’s what Suede has been up to! But Felicity Huffman’s hair looked fab … for a Trans.

 

Ricky Gervais – I can’t believe he saw “Evan Almighty.”

 

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Is no one going to tell her there’s a dead cocker spaniel on her head?

 

Tommy Smothers – If I had been listening, I’d ask him to say his speech again, but this time in English.

 

Josh Groban – In lieu of flowers, please send all donations to the Josh Groban Career Reparations Fund, c/o Reprise Records.

 

Ed McMahon – The Emmys do their part to help the homeless.

 

Alec Baldwin – Praising Tina proves there’s only one thoughtless little pig in the Baldwin fam.

 

Laura Linney – She couldn’t have tried any harder to look more washed out. No lipstick, really?

 

The Laugh-In mess – The smartest thing Goldie Hawn has ever done is not turning up for this sad “tribute.”

 

David Boreanaz  – One minute you’re presenting w/ LC, the next you’re part of a three-episode story arc w/Audrina and Lo.

 

Lauren Conrad – I had as much to do with the dress LC “designed” as she did!

 

Christian Slater – Please take your seat next to Kyra Sedgwick, Holly Hunter, Glenn Close, Laurence Fishburne and the rest of the former film actors resurrected as TV stars.

 

Laurence Fishburne –  And Laurence will show you how to get there. A red tux jacket just screams: Let me show you to your seat, ma’am. I saw Laurence Fisburne at the Nokia Theater – working!

 

William Petersen – Tuxedo compliments of “CSI: A Night at the Roxbury”

 

Kathy Griffin – Don’t know who designed the dress, but her wig was by Ariel’s Little Mermaid Collection.

 

Don Rickles – What does it mean when the funniest man in the theater reeks of formaldehyde?

 

Kate Walsh – Whose idea was it to give the most nondescript actress her own show? Did we learn nothing from Ellen Pompeo??

 

Cynthia Nixon – She’s talented, funny and happy. So who cares if she’s dating a woman who looks like Danny Partridge?

 

Glenn Close, Kyra Sedgwick, Holly Hunter, et al – As far as cable TV is concerned, The Change is good. Now if they could only do something about the hot flashes.

 

Vanessa Williams – Did her pen explode in the limo?

 

America Ferrara – In Wednesday Addams’ prom dress circa 1987. Where’s the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants when you need them?

 

Brooke Shields – Stunning. Brills. Gorge.

 

Jimmy Kimmel – Ouch! Breaking up is hard to do. His face was an even bigger mess than the reality hosts’ monologue.

 

Mary Tyler Moore – Why did she feel the need to flash her Perdue chicken bone arms. Nauseous.

 

Betty White – Thou shalt not say anything bad about a Golden Girl. Best sitcom EVER.

 

Tom Selleck – 30 years later and he’s still rockin’ the Folsom Street porn stache – that’s not a trend, it’s a fetish.

 

30 Rock – The funniest scripted show on TV next to “The Hills.”

 

Mad Men – Now will you watch? Didn’t think so.

2008 VMAs

Things I learned watching the 2008 MTV VMAs:

1. Either MTV feels really bad for allowing a bikini-clad comatose mother of two implode live on stage in front of the world last year, or Jive Records paid a shitload of cash to make sure Britney won three awards for a bad video of her dancing – aka dazedly lifting her arms and running her fingers threw her mangled mane.

2. You know the VMAs are lame when the most punk rock moment is having a bubble gum American Idol winner take down a surly British comedian by defending the honor of purity rings. Where’s a sexed up pop star writhing around the floor in a wedding dress mocking abstinence when you need her?!

3. Rock and Roll is officially dead when a spoiled brat from “My Super Sweet 16” would seem less out of place on the MTV red carpet than a band like Slipknot.

4. In lieu of a proper arena, venue or theater, MTV decided to hold this year’s awards in a high school gym. Total audience occupancy: 38 people!

5. Between Rihanna, Pink and Christina… Mad Max S+M lipstick lesbian leather chic is really big in the female vocal world.

6. The Pussycat Dolls and Danity Kane are in fact two different call girl rings groups.

7. Condolences to Taylor Swift, Ciara, Ashley Tisdale and the like, but the sparkly dress is done. And no more teen boys in suits. DONE!

8. They really should rename them the YouTube Awards, because everyone knows that’s the only place you can watch music videos these days.

The last time the VMAs were even remotely fun was back in 2003 with the Britney/Madonna/Xtina kiss thing, then came the Miami and Vegas debacle years. RIP. Last year’s highlight – if you can call it that – was the world’s first live public crucifixion. So it’s only fitting that last night’s theme appeared to be redemption – at least as far as Britney and her armies of stylists and pharamacists are concerned. That being said, how can the show have any real clout when in reality, MTV’s best new artist is not a musical act – it’s Heidi and Spencer?

Time to take off your purity rings and enjoy the recap!

Britney Spears – Don’t call it a comeback. Yes, I know, we’re all rooting for her and she did look good – minus that ropey, spaghetti weave, but can people just chill? Being semi-lucid and medicated enough to sit through hair and makeup and accept some non-significant award is not curing cancer! It’s amazing what you can do when you stop traipsing around Malibu gas stations barefoot and hand your life over to your father. And the VMA goes to… 5150 holds!

Rihanna – Right now she can do no wrong, except for ripping off everything from Thriller, Marilyn Manson and Madge’s iconic 1984 VMA “Like a Virgin” number during her performance of “Disturbia.” Is she really dating Chris Brown or is her Brigitte Nielsen butch ‘do and newly acquired “L Word” tough girl persona more indicative of who she really is?! Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum!

Russell Brand – Props for bringing back Joan Cusack’s “Working Girl” ‘do. My outta borough brethren thank you. But if we’ve learned anything from Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction, it’s that you NEVER apologize – especially not to an 18-year-old “American Idol” winner. Piss on that.

Jamie Foxx – Actor or singer? Pick a side and stay there.

Demi Moore – Does she have an album coming out? Then why is she there? The 45-year-old does not age, but that’s still no reason to come out wearing Suri Cruise’s dress.

Taylor Swift – Ol’ girl has gotta stop getting her hair, makeup and outfits from the Piggly Wiggly!

Jonas Brothers – Between the purity rings, the “There Will Be Blood” performance outfits and the Sesame Street number, can someone please explain to me their allure? They are so becoming The Coreys – 2018 edition.

Katy Perry – You’re not Dita Von Teese -- leave the ‘40s bloomers at home – along with your irritating faux-lesbian anthem.

Michael Phelps – We’ve found our new Lurch for “The Addams Family” reboot! Doesn’t he look like that giant from “Big Fish?”

Leona Lewis – Pairing her with Lil’ Wayne makes as much sense as giving Britney three awards for “Piece of Me.”

Lil’ Wayne – What the hell is Whoopi Goldberg doing singing topless at the VMAs? Or was it Jungle Book’s Mowgli? I know I sound like a parent, but seriously, in the name of Marky Mark… pull up those pants!

T-Pain – Because one Lil’ John in this world just isn’t enough.

Lindsay Lohan – Where is the love, MTV? Where’s her VMA? She got rehabbed too!

Ciara – Someone might want to put her wig on frontward for her.

Pussycat Dolls – It’s BOOBIES, not groupies. I don’t care what they say or how radio edits that song! Quick, name one of them other than Nicole Sherzinger. I dare you!

Paramore – Cyndi Lauper meets Tiffany with a Scientology-free dash of Juliette Lewis.

Shia LaBeouf – I flipped my truck drunk, broke my hand, held up production of my new film and stole Adrian Grenier’s chick – but I over-moussed my hair and put on a suit for you. So can I get a VMA too?

Miley Cyrus – Strangely likeable.

Pink – Her performance ensemble was the best she’s ever looked. So what if she resembles the chick from Bravo’s “Tabatha’s Salon Takeover.” What was with her and Rihanna trying to one-up each other – hair, cleavage, outfit? Just makeout and get it over with already, ladies.

Ashlee Simpson – Pregnant and looking like a skinny Wynonna Judd.

Pete Wentz – The cutest midget I’ve ever seen. Adorable.

Slipknot – Almost as scary as Danity Kane. Almost.

Jordin Sparks – Maybe if she were a little sluttier she wouldn’t need Chris Brown singing on her records to give her a hit.

Lauren Conrad – How sad is it that she’s the face of MTV these days?

Christina Aguilera – The bastard love child of Lady GaGa, Samantha Fox, Kylie and Linda Hogan. Guess that whole ‘40s big band thing didn’t work out so well. She’s always getting the short end of the Britney stick. ‘Memba she kissed Madonna too, and didn’t go crazy or lose her children, but it was still the Britney show last night. What’s a former Mousketeer gotta lip synch to get noticed around here?

Tokio Hotel – What if Pete Burns from “Dead or Alive” circa 1985 and Bjork had a hermaphrodite baby? … And no one cared.

Paris Hilton – I don’t understand why MTV isn’t publicizing her reality show more! Another rehabilitated famous person. Damn, 2006 really was one fucked up year in Hollywood!

Drake Bell – Zac Efron, is that you?

Kid Rock – Rodent.

Kanye West – Um, that’s how you close the show?! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP! Flatline. Which I guess is only fitting.

Until next year’s show, when Britney will either attempt a choreographed number, tragically host, or spontaneously combust on the VMA stage.