THE JOHNNY LOPEZ

2009 VMAs

2009-09-14T14:31:00.000-07:00

The 2009 MTV VMAs -- 9/14/09

Things learned by watching the 2009 VMAs

1. The VMAs should always be in NYC. The Paramount Lot can’t compete with the New York Metropolitan Transit Authority.

2. In case of emergency, Madonna’s cheeks may be used as a flotation device.

3. Pink and Shakira need to have a serious talk with the House of Balmain. Where’s Rachel Zoe when you need her?

4. Camel toe is the new black. See Beyonce, GaGa, Amber Rose, Katy Perry, Pink.

5. If you didn’t know who Taylor Swift was before, now ya do! No sex tape or flashing her Britney necessary.

6. Despite my better judgment and the fact that “Twilight” was total BASURA, I still kinda wanna see “New Moon.” Damn you, Jacob!

7. As proved by her bloody performance, Lady GaGa is not a man … PERIOD.

Minus Russell Brand, it was the best VMAs in a long time -- and all it took was the death of an icon and the public humiliation of a teenager to make it happen. If you didn’t catch the show, watch it the same place you view music videos … on Youtubes.

As always, feel free to send me your comments and feedback at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com. Enjoy!

Madonna -- The Queen of Pop honors the late King of Pop by talking about … herself! Beside both being born in ’58 and having 8 siblings, she forgot to mention their mutual love for injectables. Where’s the investigation into who is plying her with all that botox?! Who else cringed when she said “boys loved him too?” Oopsies.

Michael Jackson Tribute – Giving. Living. Serving. Werking. Prance! So which Michael Jackson are you gonna be for Halloween?

Janet Jackson – Legendary! If only her career aged as well as she does. Don’t get me wrong I love me some Damita Jo, but JJ needs a hit so bad it makes me want to Scream.

Katy Perry and Joe Perry – I thought they were gonna makeout, but then realized lesbian kisses are so VMAs 2003.

Russell Brand – Less an award show host and more like that annoying cracked out friend rambling in your ear at 3 AM.

Criss Judd – at the VMAs … working! Did J.Lo throw him a bone and get him the gig as Janet’s backup dancer? He’s come full circle.

Shakira – The only thing worse than showing up in the same dress as Pink … realizing that you are the only one wearing those awful Rubbermaid deep sea fishing stiletto boots. Ahhh ewwww!

Taylor Lautner – Is there even a question? Pedophilia be damned, Team Jacob all the way.

Taylor Swift – She has two words for Kanye: THANK YOU! Seeing her standing on stage in shock was like her very own “Carrie” prom night moment – only there was no pig’s blood, only a pig. Even Mickey Mouse couldn’t make the F-train look as much like a Disneyland ride as Taylor did. How sterilized has Manhattan become that she isn’t afraid to ride the subway?! She’ America’s golden girl … until the DUI.

Kanye West – Another male hip-hop artist beats up a female pop star! He Chris Brown’d Taylor in front of the world. He couldn’t be a bigger douche bag if he was an Ed Hardy spokesperson. Somebody gonna check him, boo!

Jack Black – Shush.

Leighton Meester – LOVE her – the dress not so much. If you’re not watching “Gossip Girl” you really don’t know what you’re missing. XOXO

Lady GaGa – Just when I was getting completely over her, the bitch out does herself with the retarded outfits, the death by menstrual blood hanging performance and thanking “the gays.” Love how any remotely poignant moment (Madonna babbling, Janet dancing, Taylor Swift turning to dust, Jay-Z’s NYC anthem) was completely ruined by a hysterical shot of Gags in one of her various ensembles (Neck braced wild west saloon waitress at an Eyes Wide Shut party, Heat Miser red burka or Abominable coconut macaroon ) in the audience. However, I could have done without re-using Madge’s 1990 VMAs Vogue set or starting the performance rolling around on the floor like a virgin.

Kristin Cavallari – Oh how I’ve missed this Laguna Bitch! LC who? Can not wait for THE HILLS!

Britney – Two years ago at the VMAs she imploded in front of our very eyes. At last year’s VMAs she was medically and parentally resurrected. Now she’s just boring … but you know she’s still completely bonkers. At least she’s consistent.

Megan Fox – or as we call her at work: 3 AM Angelina Jolie. Gorgeous, yes, but no matter how glammed up she is, you know she reeks of Raspberry Smirnoff and Newports.

Adam Brody – Memba him?

Kristen Stewart -- Doing her best Rumer Willis impersonation.

Robert Pattinson – Sorry, I just don’t get the fascination with his pasty emo ass.

Beyonce – Diva! Our Lady of the Unitard can do no wrong! She always manages to stay classy despite dancing around with her vadge in your face. You know she’s gonna have Hova “talk” to Kanye, but like Taylor, she really does owe him. I can’t wait until they are all on Oprah!

Solange Knowles – She wasn’t a guest, just a seat filler.

Jamie Lynn Sigler – Have another Vicodin, Jamie and maybe you’ll be able to maneuver the stairs in those heels.

Jennifer Lopez – Finally something more bizarre than her attraction to Speedy Gonzalez, er, I mean Marc Anthony … the David Carradine crushed velvet auto-erotic arm warmers.

Eminem – Manorexia Nervosa! When did he morph into Sinead O’Connor? I love that GaGa made him her bitch and had him hold her award during her acceptance speech. Feminem is her newest gay!

Serena Williams – or that controversial runner with “internalized testes”?

Pink – With one performance Pink just brought back “Circus of the Stars.” The likes of Traci Bingham and Danny Bonaduce better start practicing their tight rope. All that hard work and her performance was lost somewhere between Taylor Swift’s tears, Madonna’s immobile brow and GaGa’s hemorrhage. Sober, indeed.

Andy Samberg – At the Video Music Library Awards. That Dewey Decimal System is off the chain, yo!

Jay-Z – Like an Atlanta Housewife, he’s gonna have to take Kanye out for “a glass of wine” to discuss the situation. Trust.

Alicia Keys – She’s gorgeous, can sing and play the piano. About the only thing she can’t do is gracefully walk in heels.

Lil Mama – Bow Wow with a wig tried jumping on Jay and Alicia’s performance. She may have grown up on the streets of East New York (Brooklyn) but explain to me how singing about lip gloss gives you street cred?!

2009 Oscars

2009-02-23T18:05:00.001-08:00

Things learned from watching the 2009 ~~Tonys~~ Oscars:

1. Musicals are back, except on Broadway. RIP Grease, Gypsy, Hairspray, Spamalot, Spring Awakening.

2. With song & dance numbers, Jackman, Beyonce and “Milk”speeches, it was the gayest Oscars since … last year. So sick of hearing “they were so gay.” Um, it’s the Oscars not NASCAR, when were they ever not gay? Get a grip, foolios.

3. “Slumdog’s” 65 wins assure that we have officially outsourced everything to India. Press 3 and a customer service rep will transfer you to an Oscar winner.

4. Getting previous winners to introduce the acting nominees was cool, although I was afraid the losers might get zapped into the Mickey Rourke career black hole by the Board of Elders. Have mercy on us, Eva Marie Saint! Beam me up, Christopher Walken!

5. Peter Gabriel is gonna kill John Legend.

6. Other than Brangelina, Alicia Keys’ $4 Canal Street wig and the “Slumdog” kids, the red carpet was about as fun as watching “Revolutionary Road.” Let everyone do the red carpet next time!

7. Two words: Jai Ho!

8. Hugh Jackman is perfect.

9. Lisa Rinna took Joan Rivers’ red carpet job – and her face. Meow.

10. The only upset was me – because “Slumdog” won so many damn awards. If you thought Mickey was gonna beat Sean then you clearly put too much emphasis on the sham that is the Golden Globes.

For your consideration … my Oscar recap. Send me your comments, thoughts and criticisms; you know I love to hear them.

All the best!

-Johnny Lopez
thejohnnylopez@gmail.com
www.johnnylopez.com

Hugh Jackman – What in the world would make people suspect that a good looking man with sculpted pecs and abs, that can sing and dance well, loves musicals, has no biological children and is married to a significantly less attractive woman, could possibly be gay?! Now that’s just crazy talk.

Whoopi Goldberg – Seeing her in that leopard print dress was the only thing more ridiculous than the fact she won an Oscar for “Ghost.” She didn’t win for “Color Purple.”

Tilda Swinton – Bird face! Hair by Gordon Gecko. Top by the costume department at Bellevue. What a corporate secretary might wear at a law firm on "Gattaca."

Penelope Cruz – Screw “Slumdog,” “Vicky Christina” was my fave movie of the year. Latest member of the Hollywood pretty female Oscar winner club. Penny now proves the theory; if you get with Tom Cruise and leave before the thetans devour your soul you will get an Oscar. While it worked for Nic, Mimi Rogers is a lost cause – she’s full Scientolocrazy, but there could still be hope for Katie. Run, Suri, run!

Steve Martin & Tina Fey – They better be careful because no one can get away with mocking Scientology. Well, except for Kidman, but it did cost her two adopted children.

Jennifer Aniston – Angie may have Brad, Oscar and the kids, but what does Jen have that Angelina doesn’t? One really stupid braid across her forehead and a great year round tan.

Peter Gabriel – I don’t get him. He won’t sing an edited down version of his nominated song but has no problem going to the Oscars in that Last Samurai tux?!

Dustin Lance Black – He told the gay youth of America what so many don’t have the balls to say. Thank you. The Asian dude may have been funnier, but this was the best speech of the night.

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto – And Styx suddenly jumps to #1 on iTunes, as soon as the kids Google it and find out what it is.

Sarah Jessica Parker – It’s getting severe up in here. Yikes! Between the “Square Pegs” hair and her comedy & tragedy mask bone structure, I barely noticed her tits and the city.

Natalie Portman – Flawless. “Hasidic meth lab.” Gold.

Ben Stiller – Would have been really funny had someone else not done the exact same impersonation the day before at the Independent Spirit Awards. Still funnier than anything “Focker.”

Jessica Biel – Did she lose a bet? How else to explain the “Fact of Life” Jo Polniachek hair and a gown from the slightly irregular section at Linens n Things?

“Pineapple Express” short – a Holocaust comedy? Sold!

Hugh & Beyonce number – Sweet dream or beautiful nightmare? At least it wasn’t boring, right? Beyonce needs to go away for at least a minute. No more performing at award shows, sporting events, inaugurations, Burger King etc … Go take a vacation, get pregnant, go visit Michelle Williams at the Olive Garden. Anything, but just stop. You are more overexposed than a pic of a battered Rihanna.

Zac Efron – Grease is the word.

Vanessa Hudgens – “No, I’m not the chick in ‘Slumdog.’ I swear.”

Dominic Cooper – Mamma Mia! Yum.

Cuba Gooding – The real reason they had him back to the Oscars was so they could repossess his. There is no humanly way possible to make up for “Boat Trip.”

Kevin Klein – He’s contractually bound to let Phoebe Cates out of the house every five years or so. But from the looks of her dress, he hasn’t in about 15.

Javier Bardem – Donde esta, papi?!

Philip Seymour Hoffman – Outfit by the Jay and Silent Bob Fall 1993 Ready to Wear Collection.

Robert Downey Jr – 43 going on 30. Maybe drugs really do do the body good. Playing black don’t crack.

Heath Ledger.

Will Smith – His endless presenting was almost as difficult to get through as “7 Pounds.” Here, give my eyes to Woody Harrelson!

Eddie Murphy – Jerry Lewis is introduced by Eddie. The nutty professor meets the nutty tranny chaser. ‘Memba when Eddie was hysterical ?

Jerry Lewis – Recipient of the ~~Kirk Douglas~~ humanitarian award.

Alicia Keys – Kim from “Real Housewives of Atlanta” is gonna be pissed when she sees Alicia dyed her $7 polyester wig chestnut brown.

John Legend – Peter Gabriel is about to take a sledgehammer to John’s head for agreeing to sing his song.

“Slumdog” songs – I swore that was Eva Longoria or some unaccounted for Kardashian singing. Say it with me, Jai Ho!

Frida Pinto – Gorgeous. Watch as she follows in the steps of Keisha Castle-Hughes or Catalina Sandino Moreno and exits stage left … forever.

Queen Latifah -- The one gig Beyonce turned down. Latifah has been reduced (figuratively speaking of course ) to singing for the dead. RIP.

Reese Witherspoon – Her dress may walk the line between atrocious and abominable, but she still gets to sleep with Jake Gyllenhaal. Jokes on us.

Danny Boyle – Slumdog Morrissey

Sophia Loren – Somewhere between her Italian snarl, giant breasts and arm at the hip pose is some sort of casually orchestrated diva diss aimed directly at Meryl. Arrivederci.

Halle Berry – Quite possibly the most beautiful woman in the world.

Nicole Kidman – acting as elder buddy/praiser/introducer to Angelina Jolie was mindbogglingly bizarre. Like watching mythical deities Aphrodite talk to Eve … in front of you … and on TV.

Marion Cotillard – acting as elder buddy/praiser/introducer to Kate Winslet just didn’t seem right. You know Kate was like ‘I’m about to win my Oscar from this young French chick? Oh bloody hell no!”

Melissa Leo – I swear it was my mom’s sister in Miami. Tia Hortensia, eres tu?!

Brangelina – Bow down, the King and Queen have arrived. I love how they manage to transform the red carpet into a “Mean Girls” high school cafeteria – with everyone else trying to get a morsel of the capt of the football team and head cheerleader. OMG, look over there. It’s Jen Aniston sitting with the band geeks!

Kate Winslet – The Susan Lucci streak is over. Another pretty Oscar winner and she is now the only viable heir to the Meryl Streep throne of peer praise. Still gorgeous despite exhuming Grace Kelly’s waterproof Aqua Net helmet ‘do. Love the dad whistle. She’s the king of the world!

Anthony Hopkins – Can someone please feed him some fava beans and a nice Chianti?!

Adrien Brody – Nope, he was never cute.

Mickey Rourke – He should have won an Oscar … in special effects – for his face! Now that he’s back, before you know it he will be starring in a Kate Hudson romcom … or “Mask 2: Rocky Dennis Lives.”

Robin Wright Penn – She’s got gams for days!! Now if only Sean would let her have a career. Looks like Robin and Phoebe Cates have some chatting to do.

Sean Penn – I really can’t stand that he’s BFFs with Chavez and Castro and spews all that “its not so bad over there” nonsense, but what was there not to love about his performance or speech? Sexy, super masculine, married Madonna and played Harvey Milk perfectly. A hetero male gay icon is born.

2009 Grammys

2009-02-09T13:58:00.000-08:00

Things learned from watching the 2009 Grammys:

1. Al Green, Boyz II Men, Paul McCartney, Neil Diamond, Smokey Robinson and Robert Plant successfully turned it into the 2009 GRANNYs.

2. If you attend AND perform at the Grammys while 10 months pregnant and on your due date you can wear whatever the fuck you want.

3. You can win Record and Album of the year with 99% of the public never having heard the song/album before.

4. Music award shows are nothing without some DIVAS, and Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry just don’t cut it. Say what you will about Britney’s talents, but the loon gives good show!

5. We will never truly see a Whitney Houston comeback. She left the building a long, long time ago, people.

6. Believe it or not, Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel are not the same person.

7. Jennifer Hudson is amazing and really lucky … because if she had won “American Idol” she’d probably be performing at state fairs and mall openings with Ruben, Fantasia and Taylor.

8. It’s impossible to tell if U2 comes out with new songs or just repurposes stuff off their last two albums. Was that Vertigo? Beautiful Day?

9. Stevie Wonder needs a new seeing-eye manager.

You know the drill. Read it and weep – and then send me your comments.

-Johnny Lopez

U2 – “Get On Your Boots” and stop remaking the same damn song over and over. Madonna may not be the only 50-year-old pop star jumping around the stage, but at least she doesn’t need Bono’s cataract shades.

Whitney Houston – we now have a drinking problem. The second coming of Jesus is likely to arrive sooner than Whitney’s. Just because you are alive and standing upright does not mean you deserve a standing ovation.

Jennifer Hudson – Has she not suffered enough? Why didn’t her date remove her dinner napkin from Red Lobsters before going up to the podium?!

Justin Timberlake – Kudos for filling in while Chris Brown and Rihanna figure out when to appear on “Jerry Springer.”

Chris Brown & Rihanna – Title of their new duet “No Officer, Everything Is Fine.” Turns out an umbrella really is RiRi’s biggest hit. Ouch!

Boyz II Men – Suddenly it’s 1993 all over again.

Coldplay – In their Rainbow Brite Rhythm Nation uniforms.

Carrie Underwood – With Rihanna no longer being music’s untouchable pop princess, it won’t be long now before an unwanted pregnancy, pill addiction or an allegation of kleptomania surfaces.

LeAnn Rimes – Would it kill her to wash her damaged hair?

Duffy, Adele, Estelle – Please identify yourselves to America.

Adele – Was she going to the Grammys or to a prom in 1962? It’s Betty Crocker chic. She’s going to have a huge career … like former Best New Artist winners Shelby Lynne, Evanescence and Paula Cole.

Kenny Chesney -- DELETE.

Taylor Swift & Miley Cyrus – Does Miley even remember being 15? Wasn’t that over 20 years ago?

Robert Plant – For the love of Steely Dan, WTF is a ~~homeless man~~ ~~Mickey Rourke~~ Robert Plant doing winning record and album of the year. Because when you think back to the music of 2008 the song everyone will remember is ~~Low~~ ~~Bleeding Love~~ ~~Disturbia~~ “Please Read the Letter.” Que?!

Nicole Kidman – Does she even know who Keith Urban is? I still have a hard time believing they are legit or that she even really birthed her own child. This is the same woman who was married to Tom Cruise for ten years and didn’t covert to Scientolocrazy, so you know she’s capable of anything!

Stevie Wonder – He’s lucky in so far as he will never have to see his performance with the Jonas Brothers. My eyes! My eyes! Demi Lovato, your Aretha duet awaits!

Paula Abdul & Lisa Rinna – HAIR WARS! Miss Venezuela contestants circa 1975.

Cyndi Lauper – Marie Antoinette just wants to have fun. Off with her head.

Jonas Brothers – No pomade, fitted suit or duet in the world can make these evangelical Christian dandy boy banders cool. That being said, Joe Jonas … call me!

Blink 182 – ‘Memba them?! I’ll give a dollar to anyone who actually cares that they are getting back together.

Katy Perry – I didn’t like it. It was just like Britney’s infamous VMA/Gimme More debacle but minus the Klonopin haze and rehearsed choreography. Abysmal.

Kanye West – It’s never good when you get upstaged by your Kurtis Blow mullet weave. Yes Yes y’all.

M.I.A.– Loved. Ain’t nobody got swagga like huh! She is officially cooler than everyone! The only thing that could have topped the performance with the Rap Pack was if her water broke. She needs to give birth today so she can sing her “Slumdog” song at the Oscars in 2 weeks.

Dave Grohl – As if I didn’t love him and the Foo Fighters enough, Dave wore a marriage equality white knot at arrivals. Nirvana!

John Mayer – Since he spends all his time “not dating” a plethora of actresses, I almost forgot what it is that made him famous to begin with … his gargantuan head.

The only thing more bloated than Nikki Cox’s lips – her husband Jay Mohr.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Unless she’s rehearsing the Paso Doble, she needs to return that dress thing to Carrie Ann Inaba.

Radiohead – Is it me or does Thom Yorke look like Martin Short’s albino, lazy-eyed Jackie Rogers Jr. character on SNL? Thom may be a whack job but they are genius. That’s what you’re supposed to say, right?

It’s not an award show unless Samuel L. Jackson presents. But I didn’t think he and Morgan Freeman were contractually allowed to appear at the same event.

Smokey Robinson – It’s kind of twisted that Smokey’s doctor butchered his face in such a way that he always looks happy. Oh, the irony.

NeYo – He had something completely different in mind when he was asked to perform with four tops. How you doing?!

Neil Diamond – Welcome to last call at every straight frat/college bar in North America – or as I like to call it … HELL. Bah bah bah!

In Memoriam – Considering the musical lineup, was it this year’s departed or upcoming performers?!

Lil Wayne – It’s ok. You can leave your moms, baby mamas and chillens in their seats when you accept your award. No, really, you can.

2009 Golden Globes

2009-01-12T18:23:00.000-08:00

Things learned from watching the 2009 Golden Globes:

1. The only thing the Globes love more than Kate Winslet is a rehabbed star’s comeback. With Mickey Rourke and Colin Farrell taking home gold, all that was missing was for Britney Spears to win an award.

2. Sting going brown is the most traumatic television hair event to happen since Felicity cut off her curly locks.

3. Renee Zellweger and Drew Barrymore must have the same dealer. How else do you explain the fact that they both thought they were going to the Oil Baron’s Ball in Dallas?

4. “Slumdog Millionaire” is this year’s “Little Miss Sunshine,” only more plausible and with less coinky dinks than “Crash.”

5. “Milk” and Sean Penn were robbed.

6. Kate Capshaw is like Katie Holmes minus all the brainswashing. Some day her husband will allow her to act in a movie again.

7. The Great Ryan Seacrest/Brangelina Chase and Snub of ’09 may be the only thing you see on TV this year funnier than “30 Rock” or “Summer Heights High.”

8. Having the Jonas Bros. present should do a bang up job of boosting the tween ticket sales of crowd-pleasing mall flicks like “The Reader” and “Frost/Nixon.”

9. J.Lo opened the show and Tom Cruise closed it, Scientology deprogramming begins now!

Send any feedback to me at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com or check out www.johnnylopez.com

Enjoy!

Jennifer Lopez – Somewhere near the corner of Highland and Santa Monica Blvd. there’s a former man missing one Solid Gold Vegas cocktail waitress minidress. “Hello, Mama’s talking.” She even talks like a drag queen. Marc Anthony finally looked better than she did.

Kate Winslet – How sad is it that she’s an amazing actress and will probably finally win her long overdue Oscar this year, but all anyone wants to talk about is her weight?!

Sting – The Bonofication of Gordon Sumner is complete.

Eva Longoria – Despite the fact that her show won in the ratings last night, the entire relevance of “Desperate Housewives” lies solely on her 47 lb bird shoulders. Where’s that Teri Hatcher “I used to be a has been” speech?

Rumer Willis – How do you get back at your super-gorgeous Hollywood mom for calling you out on national television and taking your spotlight away? By sleeping with her man-boy husband, silly. Hell has no fury like a celebuspawn scorned! Ding. You’re done. Can someone please take the purple dye out of her hair? It’s beginning to stain.

Laura Dern – It must suck getting offered all the roles Laura Linney passes on. On the bright side, who knew there were so many roles for pound cake-faced actresses?!

Don Cheadle – We’re all waiting for the Terrence Howard/Iron Man death match to commence.

Eva Mendes – Jade jewelry never looked so good.

Zac Efron – Hair and makeup compliments of Exxon Valdez.

Zachary Quinto – Somehow he gets hotter and hotter. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for “Heroes.”

Ricky Gervais – If we had wanted to hear a Holocaust joke we would have all gone to see “Valkyrie.”

Sally Hawkins – Her win will hopefully take her places … like to the Karen Carpenter Wing of Cedar-Sinai. Apparently she’s not so Happy Go-Lucky in her head. She had to put the award down, it weighed more than she did!

Anna Paquin – She has an Oscar and a Globe. Now all she needs is to learn how to act.

Jake Gyllenhaal – In another life I want to come back as Reese Witherspoon.

Jessica Lange -- If only she could get as much as work as her face does! Were the shades to hide the bloodshot eyes or the post-op eye tuck?

Drew Barrymore – I LOVED the whole I-took-the-morning-after-pill-and-woke-up-in-night-court hair. It’s like you could almost smell the Aqua Net, cigarettes and gin. The only thing missing was for her to do the red carpet holding her heels. But seriously, it was major!

Tom Hanks – Can’t he throw Peter Scolari and Meg Ryan a bone and get them some extra work in a good film?!

Rita Wilson – Tom’s real Bosom Buddy -- My Big Fat Greek Breasts! Yowzer!

Demi Moore – Why isn’t she sharing her fountain of youth Kabbalah water with Madge? Demi looks good and no feline features yet.

Christopher Nolan – Next to Mickey Rourke’s makeup department, accepting Heath Ledger’s award was the hardest job of the night.

Colin Farrell – ‘memba him?! It’s amazing how sleeping with half of Hollywood, rehab and starring in a string of bombs will humble a guy.

Maggie Gyllenhaal – She really does all she can with what she’s got. No offense, but it’s true.

Laura Linney – Is she contractually bound to have her hair, skin, makeup and dress all match?

Elizabeth Banks – or was it Julie Benz … or Kristin Bell or …

Seth Rogen -- #1 in his class at the Judd Apatow Beauty School for Character Actors Who Want to Be Leading Men.

Alec Baldwin – Since when does he call his “thoughtless little pig” by her birth name?

Jeremy Piven – Mercury poisoning is the new exhaustion. Leave your rickety mom at home. She’s tired!

Renee Zellweger – The lost Mandrell sister surfaces. The Sharon Stone Torch of Red Carpet Crazy has officially been passed on. From the Julia Roberts “Charlie Wilson’s War” hair, to the sheer madness of the bodice to the Morticia Addams skirt, Renee has completely lost it..

Megan Fox – If she were really a tranny she’d be dating Eddie Murphy not David Silver.

Glenn Close – The outfit was perfect -- if Bea Arthur was starring in a Bollywood musical about Liberace’s life! She better sue her stylist for punitive Damages.

David Duchovny – As far as I could tell, he did not have sex with anyone at the show, but love that he mentioned his wife so as to stifle all the breakup rumors.

Tina Fey – In the name of cleavage, Sarah Palin! She is one award show away from wearing a J.Lo dress.

Tracy Morgan – Best acceptance speech next to Sally Hawkins’ epileptic fit. Somebody tell Mariah Carey, Derek Jeter and Tiger Woods they are no longer the faces of post-racial America.

Steven Spielberg – Mysteriously missing from his GG retrospective: Hook and The Terminal. Hmmmmm.

Salma Hayek – Her gushing admiration for gal pal Penelope Cruz made me feel like I was watching an episode of The El Word.

Penelope Cruz – “Vicky Christina Barcelona” is such a good film and its Penelope’s best acting role since playing Tom Cruise’s girlfriend in real life. She was this close to being Suri’s mom. This close. How the hell did she get out of that one?!

Sacha Baron Cohen – Did a Madonna joke actually get more groans than a Holocaust one?! Really? Oy vey!

“Slumdog” actors – It’s great that we now have a couple more talented famous Indian actors in Hollywood like, er, like, um, like, er …. It’s a great movie.

Mickey Rourke – Is it me or did he look like the Cheshire Cat? Now that his career has been exhumed, it should be no time before all those disfigured mutant roles, Rocky Dennis remakes or Michael Myers mask “Halloween” pour in.

Tom Cruise – Bringing your mom to the award is so late ‘90s. I would have thought by now he’d have the fully fuctioning Katie Holmes 3000 replicant up and running to attend these things when the “real” Katie is too busy parading Suri down the streets of Midtown Manhattan.

2008 American Music Awards -- 11/24/08

2008-11-24T19:12:00.000-08:00

Things learned from watching the 2008 AMAs

No one actually gets an award at these things. That’s for the end credits, silly.
Like the GOP, the VMAs have a lot of strategizing to do for next year. They got served!
Pink should perform with everyone.
Peeps should be less concerned with their kids being taught about gay marriage in schools (it’s coming y’all) and more worried with the usual onslaught of pole dancing lessons from the Pussycat Dolls.
There are no commercially viable rock acts. And adult contemporary artists like Coldplay don’t count.
‘80s prom dresses have taken over the red carpet. Molly Ringwald is a genius!
The AMAs are voted on by fans, which means they are worth about as much as Lehman Bros. stock.

The AMAs had the best lineup they’ve ever had and finally realized that no one wants to see 3 Doors Down, Rascal Flats or Bebe Winans perform on primetime TV. Amen.

Feel free to send me your thoughts and critiques.

Until the Golden Globes in two months!

Xoxo

Johnny Lopez

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Christina Aguilera – Not loving the hair. It looked half-done. Almost thought it was Victoria Jackson doing an SNL sketch. Ah, the ever classic song medley but I can’t think of anything I want to buy less than a Christina Aguilera greatest hits. Does anyone really want to hear “What a Girl Wants” again? Maybe in 10 years, when Brooklyn hipsters are discovering the teen pop craze of the turn of the century.

Rihanna – Complete and total dress failure. Sweetie, it’s called a cocktail dress not a cocktail napkin. Disturbia, indeed. Trend failure alert: bedazzled eye patch. Arrggh! And why is she borrowing Prince’s Linda Dano weave?! Y’all know “Pon de Replay” was supposed to be a one-hit wonder. At least that’s what Beyonce was told.

New Kids on the Block – The only thing scarier than Donny Wahlberg in the “Saw” films is Donny Wahlberg singing and dancing on stage. Jonas Brothers got the biggest cheers from the kids, NKOTB from their moms. Backstreet Boys should try their comeback again in 10 years – see Xtina/Brooklyn hipsters.

Paris Hilton – Seeing her slinking on stage after her self-imposed prison sentence in Madden-ville with her ex-borefriend brings flashbacks to 2006 -- when Lindsay was straight, Britney was crazy and the only thing Nicole Richie could birth was a hangover.

Scott Weiland – Stoned Temple Pilot. Don’t know if he is, but his look will sober anyone up in no time.

Pink – The faux-dyke can sang! Give it! I’m glad she’s embracing her inner-Lipstick and wearing gowns and getting her hair did. Although they sounded awesome together, someone please stop her and Sarah Mclachlan before a new Lilith Fair is launched.

David Cook – Are "American Idols" allowed to wear Kathy Bates’ hairdo with guyliner.

Taylor Swift – Imagine that, Taylor Swift in a glitter gown. Who would’ve thunk it? She’s about an album away from an unwed pregnancy. Was she in “The Dark Crystal?”

Rascal Flatts – I love an all lesbian band.

Ne-Yo – If I see one more fedora on a singer, I’m a gonna kill Justin Timberlake.

Kanye West – For someone who thinks he’s so smart, he sho doesn’t get why everyone hates a pompous asshole. It’s ok to wannabe the next Elvis, you just can’t say it out loud.

Jesse McCartney – He looks like a cross between a young Leo DiCaprio and a young Rachel Maddow.

Leona Lewis – Carrie Bradshaw got spray tanned! Does the world really need a British Mariah?

Billy Ray Cyrus – Shave the goatee (and add a mustache) and you got Kelly Clarkson. The frightening thing is that Miley was just being conceived when I was tuning out “Achy Breaky Heart” in 1992!

Miley Cyrus – People keep saying, “Oh, she’s just acting her age.” And I’m thinking, since when do 43-year-olds run around a stage like that?!

David Archuleta – lawn gnome.

Kenny Chesney – The only singer with a bigger beard than ZZ Top, only his is Kimberly Williams.

Coldplay – Between the pianos, confetti and smoke, I was expecting Liberace to rise up from the grave.

Richie Sambora and Colbie Caillat – or Robert Evans and Jen Aniston?

Alicia Keys – Trend failure alert #2: Indian forehead jewelry. I thought we did away with that back in ’97 with Gwen Stefani. Alicia mentioned on the red carpet she was excited to see Natalie Imbruglia perform. A.) It’s not 1998 B.) Natalie was not there or scheduled to perform. C.) She must have meant Natasha Bedinfield. All them foreign Caucasian popstars look the same, anyway.

Mariah Carey – You get some special award for being your crazy-self and having tons of hits – but they won’t let you make an acceptance speech. Sorry Kanye, looks like Mariah already is the new Elvis.

Nick Cannon – He got a job ... helping Mimi down the stairs.

Nick Lachey – Does presenting count as a job?!

Daughtry – The male Pussycat Dolls – name one member besides the singer. The one person Chris forgot to thank … his beard trimmer.

Kate Walsh – Is about as lost at this show, as “Private Practice” is in the ratings.

Jordin Sparks – Take a good look at the Nokia Theater, Jordy. You’re gonna be working here some day – at concessions.

Enrique Iglesias – Chico got a new weave! How did he get younger?

Ashley Tisdale – What a nose job couldn’t do, a bottle of hair dye can. Ashley has successfully rendered herself unrecognizable. Somewhere Jennifer Grey is smiling. Is that Robin from “General Hospital?”

The Jonas Bros – America’s favorite evangelical Christian dandy boy band may be have a scandal on their hands. One looks Jewish, one looks Latin and the third just looks confused. Mama Jonas has some explaining to do!

The Dream – Now which member of Fat Albert’s gang was he again?

Beyonce – Sasha Fierce is one mean drag queen. The real star of the performance was her ponytail! Loves it. Was that Traci Lords doing backup dancing?! Trend Failure Alert #3: Metallic finger. At least she realized the Freddy Kruger glove was going no where fast.

Pussycat Dolls – Performing immediately following the Jonas Bros. From purity rings to NuvaRing! When I Grow Up … I wanna be a $3 street whore.

St. Justin of Timberlake – How did he become the Tom Hanks of the music biz?

Annie Lennox – No one can compare to Ms. Lennox – despite looking like a de-wigged La Cage Aux Folles extra. Tell me Why.. Someone get her a hat and a pashmina stat!

Natasha Bedinfield – I feel bad for Nat. First for her ill-fitting pant suit at arrivals, but mostly because she will always be known as the chick who sang the song from “The Hills.” And that cannot be UNWRITTEN.

Motley Crue – After presenting, the band was quickly chauffeured back to their home at the LaBrea Tar Pits.

Sarah McLachlan & Pink – Divorced women never looked – and sounded -- so good. Was that song on Sarah’s first, second, third or fourth CD? Oh what the hell. Like anyone can tell a Mclachlan album apart!

Joe Perry/Steven Tyler – Co-chairs of the South Shore Long Island Linda Richman fan club. Tawks amongst yaselves.

Queen Latifah – She shares the same nearsighted hairstylist as Jar Jar Binks. Now she sang with Alicia Keys. What could those two have in common? Hmmm. I wonder… No on prop 8!

Latifah/Alicia/Opera chick – that’s all fine and good but the best finale would have been Beyonce Knowles-Carter’s performance. Pull that ponytail, beyatches!

2008 Emmys

2008-09-22T16:49:00.000-07:00

Things I Learned from Watching the 2008 Emmy Awards

Only shoot Oprah from the breasts up.
Look how many reality show hosts it takes to bore me! Leave the comedy to the professionals.
With no A-list celebs (aka film stars) or musical performances of note (sorry Josh Groban), the Emmys are only slightly less thrilling than CSPAN, but still better than the new “90210.”
You know it’s a bad sign when you’re honestly looking forward to the “In Memoriam” segment. Who’d they miss?
Tina Fey is so awesome, I may have to vote for McCain just make sure she shows up on SNL for the next 4 years.
Josh Groban is to the Emmys what Rob Lowe and Snow White are to the Oscars.
With so many networks, airing so many shows that no one is watching, a lot of the TV stars are about as recognizable as going to somebody else’s high school reunion. Did you have Sister Phyllis? “Saving Grace” who? “House” what?!
I haven’t seen even a single episode, but I am already so over the “Mad Men” hype!
“The Ghost Whisperer” is still on the air.
The Emmys are 60, time for early retirement. RIP.

Okay, I know you’re supposed to bitch about awards shows and say they were so boring and lasted forever etc., but that was seriously the most uneventful and least exciting awards show since Art and I sat through the Lauren Holly-hosted L.A. Fashion Awards a few years ago. No joke. And barring the People’s Choice, I’ll watch just about any awards show – you know it was bad.

As always feel free to send me your feedback or comments.

-Johnny

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

johnnylopez.com

Oprah – It’s the great pumpkin, Oprah Winfrey. O may remember her spirit, but she forgot about the spanks!

Ryan Seacrest, Tom Bergeron, Howie Mandel, Heidi Klum, Jeff Probst – A midget, a dud, a loon, a sexy cheeseball and a missing tie. There’s nothing like a dead skit and the objectification of women to start a show.

Tina Fey – All hail the Queen of Comedy. Sarah Palin has done some good – by giving Tina and “30 Rock” some amazing press.

Amy Poehler – With apologies to Jean Smart, Amy was robbed! No one deserves a comedy Emmy more.

Jeremy Piven – His hair weaver deserves an award too.

Julia Louis Dreyfus – The Seinfeld curse lives! What was worse: her Palin ‘do or the Pepto aBismol gown?

Jean Smart – Nothing against her. I actually really like her, but please return what is rightfully Amy Poehler’s. And someone get the name of her Botoxologist.

The Desperate Housewives – From Dana Delany’s disco dress, Marcia Cross’ awkward length Cinderella gown, Teri Hatcher’s yellow scare, Eva Longoria’s unflattering bowed flapper smock and Nicollette Sheridan’s purple monstrosity, the ladies of Wisteria Lane looked like they rummaged through the Project Runway reject pile. So that’s what Suede has been up to! But Felicity Huffman’s hair looked fab … for a Trans.

Ricky Gervais – I can’t believe he saw “Evan Almighty.”

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Is no one going to tell her there’s a dead cocker spaniel on her head?

Tommy Smothers – If I had been listening, I’d ask him to say his speech again, but this time in English.

Josh Groban – In lieu of flowers, please send all donations to the Josh Groban Career Reparations Fund, c/o Reprise Records.

Ed McMahon – The Emmys do their part to help the homeless.

Alec Baldwin – Praising Tina proves there’s only one thoughtless little pig in the Baldwin fam.

Laura Linney – She couldn’t have tried any harder to look more washed out. No lipstick, really?

The Laugh-In mess – The smartest thing Goldie Hawn has ever done is not turning up for this sad “tribute.”

David Boreanaz – One minute you’re presenting w/ LC, the next you’re part of a three-episode story arc w/Audrina and Lo.

Lauren Conrad – I had as much to do with the dress LC “designed” as she did!

Christian Slater – Please take your seat next to Kyra Sedgwick, Holly Hunter, Glenn Close, Laurence Fishburne and the rest of the former film actors resurrected as TV stars.

Laurence Fishburne – And Laurence will show you how to get there. A red tux jacket just screams: Let me show you to your seat, ma’am. I saw Laurence Fisburne at the Nokia Theater – working!

William Petersen – Tuxedo compliments of “CSI: A Night at the Roxbury”

Kathy Griffin – Don’t know who designed the dress, but her wig was by Ariel’s Little Mermaid Collection.

Don Rickles – What does it mean when the funniest man in the theater reeks of formaldehyde?

Kate Walsh – Whose idea was it to give the most nondescript actress her own show? Did we learn nothing from Ellen Pompeo??

Cynthia Nixon – She’s talented, funny and happy. So who cares if she’s dating a woman who looks like Danny Partridge?

Glenn Close, Kyra Sedgwick, Holly Hunter, et al – As far as cable TV is concerned, The Change is good. Now if they could only do something about the hot flashes.

Vanessa Williams – Did her pen explode in the limo?

America Ferrara – In Wednesday Addams’ prom dress circa 1987. Where’s the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants when you need them?

Brooke Shields – Stunning. Brills. Gorge.

Jimmy Kimmel – Ouch! Breaking up is hard to do. His face was an even bigger mess than the reality hosts’ monologue.

Mary Tyler Moore – Why did she feel the need to flash her Perdue chicken bone arms. Nauseous.

Betty White – Thou shalt not say anything bad about a Golden Girl. Best sitcom EVER.

Tom Selleck – 30 years later and he’s still rockin’ the Folsom Street porn stache – that’s not a trend, it’s a fetish.

30 Rock – The funniest scripted show on TV next to “The Hills.”

Mad Men – Now will you watch? Didn’t think so.

2008 VMAs

2008-09-08T13:47:00.001-07:00

Things I learned watching the 2008 MTV VMAs:

Either MTV feels really bad for allowing a bikini-clad comatose mother of two implode live on stage in front of the world last year, or Jive Records paid a shitload of cash to make sure Britney won three awards for a bad video of her dancing – aka dazedly lifting her arms and running her fingers threw her mangled mane.

You know the VMAs are lame when the most punk rock moment is having a bubble gum American Idol winner take down a surly British comedian by defending the honor of purity rings. Where’s a sexed up pop star writhing around the floor in a wedding dress mocking abstinence when you need her?!

Rock and Roll is officially dead when a spoiled brat from “My Super Sweet 16” would seem less out of place on the MTV red carpet than a band like Slipknot.

In lieu of a proper arena, venue or theater, MTV decided to hold this year’s awards in a high school gym. Total audience occupancy: 38 people!

Between Rihanna, Pink and Christina… Mad Max S+M lipstick lesbian leather chic is really big in the female vocal world.

The Pussycat Dolls and Danity Kane are in fact two different ~~call girl rings~~ groups.

Condolences to Taylor Swift, Ciara, Ashley Tisdale and the like, but the sparkly dress is done. And no more teen boys in suits. DONE!

They really should rename them the YouTube Awards, because everyone knows that’s the only place you can watch music videos these days.

The last time the VMAs were even remotely fun was back in 2003 with the Britney/Madonna/Xtina kiss thing, then came the Miami and Vegas debacle years. RIP. Last year’s highlight – if you can call it that – was the world’s first live public crucifixion. So it’s only fitting that last night’s theme appeared to be redemption – at least as far as Britney and her armies of stylists and pharamacists are concerned. That being said, how can the show have any real clout when in reality, MTV’s best new artist is not a musical act – it’s Heidi and Spencer?

Time to take off your purity rings and enjoy the recap!

Britney Spears – Don’t call it a comeback. Yes, I know, we’re all rooting for her and she did look good – minus that ropey, spaghetti weave, but can people just chill? Being semi-lucid and medicated enough to sit through hair and makeup and accept some non-significant award is not curing cancer! It’s amazing what you can do when you stop traipsing around Malibu gas stations barefoot and hand your life over to your father. And the VMA goes to… 5150 holds!

Rihanna – Right now she can do no wrong, except for ripping off everything from Thriller, Marilyn Manson and Madge’s iconic 1984 VMA “Like a Virgin” number during her performance of “Disturbia.” Is she really dating Chris Brown or is her Brigitte Nielsen butch ‘do and newly acquired “L Word” tough girl persona more indicative of who she really is?! Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum!

Russell Brand – Props for bringing back Joan Cusack’s “Working Girl” ‘do. My outta borough brethren thank you. But if we’ve learned anything from Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction, it’s that you NEVER apologize – especially not to an 18-year-old “American Idol” winner. Piss on that.

Jamie Foxx – Actor or singer? Pick a side and stay there.

Demi Moore – Does she have an album coming out? Then why is she there? The 45-year-old does not age, but that’s still no reason to come out wearing Suri Cruise’s dress.

Taylor Swift – Ol’ girl has gotta stop getting her hair, makeup and outfits from the Piggly Wiggly!

Jonas Brothers – Between the purity rings, the “There Will Be Blood” performance outfits and the Sesame Street number, can someone please explain to me their allure? They are so becoming The Coreys – 2018 edition.

Katy Perry – You’re not Dita Von Teese -- leave the ‘40s bloomers at home – along with your irritating faux-lesbian anthem.

Michael Phelps – We’ve found our new Lurch for “The Addams Family” reboot! Doesn’t he look like that giant from “Big Fish?”

Leona Lewis – Pairing her with Lil’ Wayne makes as much sense as giving Britney three awards for “Piece of Me.”

Lil’ Wayne – What the hell is Whoopi Goldberg doing singing topless at the VMAs? Or was it Jungle Book’s Mowgli? I know I sound like a parent, but seriously, in the name of Marky Mark… pull up those pants!

T-Pain – Because one Lil’ John in this world just isn’t enough.

Lindsay Lohan – Where is the love, MTV? Where’s her VMA? She got rehabbed too!

Ciara – Someone might want to put her wig on frontward for her.

Pussycat Dolls – It’s BOOBIES, not groupies. I don’t care what they say or how radio edits that song! Quick, name one of them other than Nicole Sherzinger. I dare you!

Paramore – Cyndi Lauper meets Tiffany with a Scientology-free dash of Juliette Lewis.

Shia LaBeouf – I flipped my truck drunk, broke my hand, held up production of my new film and stole Adrian Grenier’s chick – but I over-moussed my hair and put on a suit for you. So can I get a VMA too?

Miley Cyrus – Strangely likeable.

Pink – Her performance ensemble was the best she’s ever looked. So what if she resembles the chick from Bravo’s “Tabatha’s Salon Takeover.” What was with her and Rihanna trying to one-up each other – hair, cleavage, outfit? Just makeout and get it over with already, ladies.

Ashlee Simpson – Pregnant and looking like a skinny Wynonna Judd.

Pete Wentz – The cutest midget I’ve ever seen. Adorable.

Slipknot – Almost as scary as Danity Kane. Almost.

Jordin Sparks – Maybe if she were a little sluttier she wouldn’t need Chris Brown singing on her records to give her a hit.

Lauren Conrad – How sad is it that she’s the face of MTV these days?

Christina Aguilera – The bastard love child of Lady GaGa, Samantha Fox, Kylie and Linda Hogan. Guess that whole ‘40s big band thing didn’t work out so well. She’s always getting the short end of the Britney stick. ‘Memba she kissed Madonna too, and didn’t go crazy or lose her children, but it was still the Britney show last night. What’s a former Mousketeer gotta lip synch to get noticed around here?

Tokio Hotel – What if Pete Burns from “Dead or Alive” circa 1985 and Bjork had a hermaphrodite baby? … And no one cared.

Paris Hilton – I don’t understand why MTV isn’t publicizing her reality show more! Another rehabilitated famous person. Damn, 2006 really was one fucked up year in Hollywood!

Drake Bell – Zac Efron, is that you?

Kid Rock – Rodent.

Kanye West – Um, that’s how you close the show?! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP! Flatline. Which I guess is only fitting.

Until next year’s show, when Britney will either attempt a choreographed number, tragically host, or spontaneously combust on the VMA stage.

2008 Oscars

2008-02-25T15:41:00.000-08:00

Things learned watching the 80^th Academy Awards:

With attendees like Patrick Dempsey, Katherine Heigl and the cast of “Dancing with the Stars,” (thanks ABC) the Oscars have officially become the new Emmys.

If you are an attending A-lister and are not nominated don’t dare do the red carpet. Nicole, Hanks and Denzel won’t be mingling next to the likes of The Rock, Gary Busey and Miley Cyrus!

It’s harder for a woman to become president than get a directing nomination.

Just because you win an Oscar for Best Makeup – doesn’t mean you can do your own. Someone get that poor lady some new lashes – or an unlazy eye!

Red is officially over. How pissed would you be had you showed up in a red gown?!

Tilda Swinton is simultaneously insane, scary and weird – but still secretly fabulous.

If you want to make the Oscars seem even more superficial and frivolous – have U.S. soldiers fighting in Iraq present an award via satellite to a room full of people in Harry Winston jewels and couture gowns.

Regis Philbin is the male Joan Rivers. For comedic effect, every red carpet should have a resident geriatric chatting up teen stars, foreigners and the elderly.

Cancel the Vanity Fair party and the A-listers stay home.

Where are the movie stars??! The red carpet was seriously lacking the usual cluster-fuck of high wattage A-listers that the Oscars are known for. With no Julia, Brad, Angelina, J.Lo, Uma, Drew, Kate, Matthew, Jake, CZJ, Will, Reese, Ryan, Keanu, Sandra, Hugh, Halle, Charlize, Gwyneth, Salma etc… we were left to yawn over Felicity and the guys in “Knocked Up.” For the love of Xenu, I would have even settled for a Katie Holmes sighting.

This year’s nominees had the excitement level of a dentist’s appointment and the outfits were no exception. Where’s Cher, Bjork and Sally Kirkland when you need them. All I can say is thank God for Tilda Swinton!

For your consideration … my Oscar recap.

-Johnny Lopez

Jennifer Garner – After surviving the Gary ‘alcohol’ aBusey incident, she looked nothing like she usually does – she looked amazing -- dare I say hot. Has she hired J.Lo’s hair and makeup peeps?

Ben Affleck – Your wife almost gets raped on the red carpet and your brother is nominated but you chose to spend it on Jimmy Kimmel pimping out your not-as-funny rebuttal to “I’m Fucking Matt Damon.” I hate to admit it, but “Gone Baby Gone” makes me think he may have actually written “Good Will Hunting” after all. There is life after “Gigli”!

Jon Stewart – Letting the Irish singer from “Once” come back out to speak was just about the coolest thing anyone has ever done at the Oscars.

George Clooney – There are no words. Perfection. Better than Cary Grant, even. I wasn’t aware that he was “dating” Nikki Cox! Next to Maddox, Zahara and Pax Jolie-Pitt, Sarah Larson is the luckiest person in the world. Now she just needs to stop wearing bathroom wallpaper.

Anne Hathaway – The first red dress to hit the Kodak stage. Can she be any whiter?

Katherine Heigl – Red dress part deux. A winner for getting to go to the Oscars, but a loser for having to follow Anne’s red dress. I know she’s like the new heir to the Meg Ryan/Sandra Bullock romantic comedy throne but to me she’s more like Sarah Michelle Gellar – a television actress.

Amy Adams – How did the star of a movie with three Best Song noms get to perform the number with absolutely no production values and a bad Talbots dress?! Kristin Chenoweth better watch her back!

Kimora Lee Simmons – When did she become Imelda Marcos?

Heidi Klum – Disney Princess chic.

The Rock – Wrestlers at the Oscars? I can’t wait until next year when Joanie Chyna Doll Laurer presents Best Picture! Yeah, I know he’s been in films, but it’s the Oscars. You should have to be in at least one good one.

Cate Blanchett – I’m gonna be nice to the pregnant lady – but her stylist wasn’t.

Johnny Depp – The most normal tux he’s ever worn. What gives?

Vanessa Paradis – I thought Marion Cotillard played Edith Piaf? Don’t let her fool you, underneath those blood red lips are black gums!

Jennifer Hudson – Not as bad as last year’s NASA bolero jacket, but can someone please remove the infant in swaddling clothes from the top of her dress. You know how you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, Jen should listen to that rule – always!

Javier Bardem – Can someone please tell Javi that, yes, I will accept his marriage proposal? His speech to his mom sealed it! No straight man brings his mom to the Oscars and dates Penelope Cruz. It’s not humanly possible.

Keri Russell – Dear Sally, I don’t know how it happened, but I’m at the Oscars! Gonna look for Ben and Noel. Talk soon, Felicity!

Owen Wilson – Admit it, you were trying to catch a glimpse of his wrists.

Tilda Swinton – Eric Stoltz looks so different. By fall everyone will be wearing one-arm goth muumuus. Seriously, I don’t think ABS is rushing to knock-off her Lanvin shift. She’s such a strange bird, but I love it. Only she can pull off a “Wall St.” Charlie Sheen hairdo. Sorry Renee!

Ruby Dee – She is gonna cut the other sleeve of Tilda’s gown for stealing her Oscar!

Saoirse Ronan (annoying girl from “Atonement”) – This year’s recipient of the Keisha Castle-Hughes Memorial Award for Tween Nominees Who Will Fade Away into Obscurity

Jessica Alba – “Fantastic Four,” “Honey,” “Into the Blue,” “Good Luck Chuck,” “The Eye,” “Awake.” Yeah, it makes total sense that she should present at the Academy Awards.

Miley Cyrus – In yet another little red mess. She should have gone as Hannah Montana -- at least then she would have looked more like a teenager. Like Lindsay and Hillary Duff before her, how does Disney turn all these middle-aged teenagers into stars?!

The Uma/Oprah Memorial Joke Failure Award goes to the guys from “Knocked Up” for that endless Halle Berry/ Judi Dench tirade.

Wesley Snipes – That purple suit is perfect, if your job is holding Diddy’s umbrella.

Ellen Page – What was with the Kathy Bates dress? Doesn’t American Apparel sell hipster dresses for slightly butchy gals? Even Jodie Foster knows how to rock a gown and heels. Juno should have aborted this look.

Marion Cotillard – Gorgeous. Yet another pretty Oscar winner. Her Oscar win assures her at least one Matthew McConaughey romantic “comedy.” Somewhere in a Paris café, Audrey Tatou is drunk and digging pins into a doll in her likeness.

Colin Farrell – A tan – and rehab – does a body good. Lawd have mercy. He looks great. He so fucked Marion Cotillard last night!

Jack Nicholson – He’s 70 years-old, so unless he has cataracts, please take the shades off. He so fucked Marion Cotillard last night.

Renee Zellweger – She and Philip Seymour Hoffman have the same hairstylist.

Nicole Kidman – Is she no longer pregnant?!Say what you will about the Porcelain Queen but everyone copies Nic’s style. She was the only one in red last year. And after she wore chandelier earrings a few years back, everyone started to. Next year, everyone will be sporting blinged out barbed wired around their necks. Trust.

The old guy who got the honorary Oscar that Nicole helped onto the stage – the lone person older than Harrison Ford – I think. I swear he just thanked Adam & Eve!

Penelope Cruz – following Nicole Kidman on the stage – nice touch. How the hell did Penny escape from Tom? She’s no Scientoloca. The woman may just be the Messiah!

Patrick Dempsey – There’s good hair and then there’s …

John Travolta – He gets what’s left of his hair styled by Krylon. Only your hair auditor will know the difference.

Kelly Preston – Despite zero roles, being married to John makes her the hardest working actress in Hollywood. Have they let son Jett out of the attic yet?

Faye Dunaway – The crazy ol’ bat is gonna pimp out her hot son until somebody puts him in a movie.

Jane Russell – Gentlemen Prefer Grays. Older actresses should not be forced to emulate Dorothy Zbornak.

Cameron Diaz – The highest paid actress in Hollywood – but you wouldn’t know it from her fresh from hiking in Runyon Canyon hair.

Hilary Swank – Two Oscars and she gets to intro the death reel? Lady Seabiscuit just can’t get no love.

Tom Hanks – Two Oscars and he gets to intro the awkward soldiers in Iraq segment? His Royal Hankness can’t get no love.

Soldiers in Iraq – Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell but you just awarded an Oscar to a documentary about gay marriage.

Harrison Ford – If the 65-year-old is still allowed to play Indiana Jones, then Diane Keaton should play Wonder Woman.

Calista Flockhart – She was at the Oscars, but her hair was at UCLA studying for finals. She is slowly botoxing herself into Mary Tyler Moore.

Diablo Cody – The whole stripper turned blogger turner screenwriter PR spin is getting on my last indie nerve. Honest to blog! The patron saint of every American Apparel emo girl from Williamsburg to Echo Park.

Helen Mirren – The only thing more impressive than her body of work – her body! She’s SIXTY TWO and looks amazing. Don’t be fooled America. If you use Botox, Restylane or Silicone, the only person you are kidding is yourself! Just look at Joan Van Ark, Jackie Stallone, Carrot Top, Wayne Newton …

Daniel Day Lewis – Nothing says amazing actor – like a pair of hoop earrings! Looks like he’s been drinking RuPaul’s milkshake.

Rebecca Miller (Daniel’s wife) – There will be blood –for dressing like a 19^th century saloon waitress.

The Coen Brothers – it’s the guys from “Knocked Up” in 30 years – and 30 less pounds.

Denzel Washington – I love that he showed up to the Kodak, presented Best Picture and was home in probably 30 minutes -- which is about the most anyone should have to endure of the Oscars.

Scott Rudin –Thanking his partner in his speech for winning Best Picture – No country for homophobic men – unless you’re closeted client is an A-list actor.

2008 SAGs

2008-01-28T16:28:00.000-08:00

by Johnny Lopez

TMZ has me beaucoup busy these days so I haven't done a recap in a while. In case the Oscars don't happen I figured I'd rattle off one before the season is over.

I hope everyone is doing well and gets a kick out of my latest diatribe. For those who may not be familiar with my rants, these are meant to be fun, sarcastic, and bitchy – like when you watch an award show with your friends. (Or at least that's how it is when my friends & I watch them). So don't take 'em too seriously – they're just words!

As always, positive feedback is appreciated. If you want to be added to the list, just drop me an email at: thejohnnylopez@gmail.com.

You know you love me.
xoxo
Johnny

Brad & Angelina – Please don't stare at the only A-listers in the house! Where have all the movie stars gone?? Angie in one of J.Lo's maternity-denial caftans and Brad with his Jolie-brown locks. The King and Queen of the prom have arrived.

Doug Savant – the real desperate housewife isn't on his show, but was sitting next to him -- Laura Leighton aka "Sydney" from Melrose Place. Give the gal a walk-on role!

Ellen Burstyn – Nominated for her work in "Muumuus, Caftans and Dusters: The Helen Roper Story."

Sandra Oh – The perfect prom dress for the illegitimate love child of Molly Ringwald and Marilyn Manson. She should have been more specific when telling her stylist she wanted a dress that would have people talking for days.

Rebecca Romijn – She plays the hottest tranny on TV -- next to Glenn Close!

Jane Krakowski – It's hard to look good in a puke green dress and candy corn necklace. I expect more from a woman who lives in NYC!

Kyle MacLachlan – Tell me again, who thinks he's hot?

Nikki Blonsky – The breakout "Hairspray" star can't wait to find out what her next roll will be.

John Travolta – I see he's still sporting his "Hairspray" weaves. Where was his bearded lady, Kelly Preston? Perhaps, at home in the Scientoloattic with their non-autistic son Jett?! Save Jett!

Debra Messing presenting w/ Zac Efron: Gorgeous. Loved the hair, makeup and getup. And Debra looked good too! Sadly, Zac has a bigger rack.

Holly Hunter – Her boyfriend/baby-daddy is H-O-T!

Laura San Giacomo – She was in the "Saving Grace" clip – the real UGLY BETTY! Yikes! Just shoot her!

Edie Falco – Looking like she just landed from JFK. Would it kill her to put on a little lipstick?

Lorraine Bracco – Wearing Grimace's dead carcass.

America Ferrara – Looks amazing, but she can stop losing weight now. We get it—you are pretty in real life.

Vanessa Williams – Love her! The coolest bitch in town. Britney, Paris and Lindsay should take lessons from Miss America 1984 on how to properly flash your ugly betty.

Hal Holbrook – A great actor. That being said, he looks like a cross between a "South Park" character and Bea Arthur.

Marion Cotillard – Gorge! The French Angelina. I just hope she doesn't get suckered into a doing a romantic "comedy" with McConaughey next.

Javier Bardem – He's definitely winning the Oscar. The Academy loves it when gorgeous peeps go ugly. Just look at Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, Charlize, ~~Hilary Swank~~.

Jeremy Piven – Love his new weave. How much it cost?!

Ellen Page – She's Jodie Foster 2.0 and rockin' a kosher Posh bob – honest to blog. L'chaim!

Chandra Wilson – Somebody please tell Ms. Wilson that "Dreamgirls" has already been cast, filmed, released and was awarded last year. Please return the outfit and hair to wardrobe ASAP!

Rebecca Gayheart – Maybe you shouldn't be boasting about all your "car issues" on the red carpet. I'm just sayin'…

Ellen Pompeo – It must suck to have your show stolen by Katherine Heigl ... and Kate Walsh!

Katrina Bowden – (Teri Hatcher's daughter on "Housewives") – When did she turn 37?

Lisa Rinna – Someone put this cougar down. She looks like the patron saint of middle-aged divorced Long Island housewives. Mary Jo Buttafuoco on line 2!

James Mardsen – For the love of Dylan McKay! Now that he's finally broken out into leading man territory – he decides to rock some 1991 "90210" sideburns?!

Ruby Dee – Looking fab in her Frogger shades and pink champagne wig.

Michael C. Hall – The gayest (and best) he's looked since he stopped playing a gay on "Six Feet Under."

The cast of "The Office" – And I thought they only dressed badly for the TV show.

Alan Rosenberg – SAG Pres. and Marg Helgenberger's husband – Was he supposed to be added to the In Memoriam segment? Someone check his pulse! Does he get a wrinkle for everyone that Marg gets zapped?!

Charles Durning – The writer's strike really needs to end, as it seems Durning's wheelchair bound wife has already lost her dental benefits.

Burt Reynolds – He was once a sex symbol. There before the grace of God goes Brad Pitt!

Kevin Kline – He couldn't come to pick up his award, because he was too busy making sure Phoebe Cates was still locked up in their Upper Westchester basement.

Mickey Rooney – There was panic backstage when production staffers realized Mickey got loose. Who is in charge of Mickey??

Queen Latifah – She couldn't make it to the ceremony. She's still mortified about hosting that People's Choice debacle – which btw was probably 100 times funnier than "Mad Money"!

Josh Brolin – Hot in a quasi-Simian sorta way.

Diane Lane – The box office returns for her latest film are "Untraceable."

Viggo Mortensen – In his three-piece suit by Jiminy Cricket.

Tommy Lee Jones – Nominated for a SAG for playing a police officer in ~~The Fugitive, Natural Born Killers, Men in Black, US Marshalls, Double Jeopardy, The Hunted, In the Valley of Elah~~, No Country for Old Men.

Tilda Swinton – She was never a looker – but it takes a lot of work to look this freakish. Who would have thunk that she looked the most normal in "Narnia."

Matthew McConaughey & Kate Hudson – If you are even considering seeing "Fools Good"—just re-rent "How to Lose a Guy" and save yourselves the two hours, $12 and brain cells. At least he shaved off some of his cotton-candy locks.

Julie Christie – A real actress. The bitch only makes a few movies here and there and usually gives amazing performances. Makes you wonder how many mortgages her peers like Dustin Hoffman and Diane Keaton have that forces them to continually make craptacular studio pics like "Mr. Magorium" & "Because I Said So." Just stop.

The homosapien formerly known as Tom Cruise – He skipped the red carpet and teleported right into the Shrine. I was waiting for him to put on his medal of valor, dementedly laugh, and salute "LRH." Just how crazy is he? OT Level VII crazy! Save Suri!

Daniel Day Lewis – Please stop talking about Heath. It is a tragedy, but you didn't even know him.

I'm finished!

2007 Emmys

2007-09-17T17:20:00.000-07:00

The recap is back. Work was too nuts last week, so there was no VMA wrap-up. But were words even necessary? God rest her soul.

The Emmy peeps tried to liven up this usually stillborn show by adding musical numbers and setting it in the round. While the cast of “Ugly Betty” might’ve hated seeing everyone’s backs, I actually kind of liked seeing Vanessa Williams (but not her dress) behind every presenter and winner. In the end, no matter how many bells and whistles, comedians and pregnant singers on pianos you add, there’s no way to get around the fact that TV stars ain’t movie stars. Ultimately, no one cares! Plus, with more networks, cable channels and TV shows than ever, all it takes to have a program considered a hit is about 17 viewers. “Cold Case” or “According to Jim,” anyone?

Let me know what you think, betches.

-Johnny

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Ryan Seacrest – So reading a total of seven lines counts as hosting. Um… okay. I did love how he managed to insult Sally Field by reciting her TV credits of Gidget, Flying Nun and Brothers and Sisters, thereby reminding her that she’s yet another film actress forced into television to retain SAG benefits! (Please see Glenn Close, Kyra Sedgwick, Mary Louise Parker). How weird will it be in 15 years, when Angelina Jolie and Cameron Diaz both have ABC sitcoms!

Ray Romano – I thought Ryan Seacrest was hosting the show?! His routine should have come with a two drink minimum. Please tip your waitress!

Jeremy Piven – He was the only person wearing more ~~spackle~~ makeup than Lisa Rinna. Hair compliments of Tyra Banks’ new men’s wig line. Unbeweaveable!

Vanessa Williams – Ugly Yeti! – She is one crazy bird. Vanessa hasn’t needed a plucking this bad since her nude pics surfaced in 1984!

America Ferrara – Insert non-Ugly reference here. Further proof that in order to win an award for playing an unattractive, plus-sized girl, you better work your ass off to not be one in real life. I love that she is the poster girl for REAL women -- just because the only ribs she’s showing are on her plate -- not protruding through her gown.

Terry O’Quinn – (won something for LOST) While the pink shirt and sparkly tie were curious, he does have a wife, but she is much heavier than he -- like in a Hugh Jackman and his maid/wife sort of way. Jury is still out on this one.

Julia Louis Dreyfus – You forget she was an SNL cast member – just like Anthony Michael Hall, Robert Downey, Jr. and Janeane Garofalo. STRANGE.

Tina Fey – Emmys got at least one thing right by voting 30 Rock the Best Comedy. Now, bring back “The Comeback” and we’ll forget “Two and a Half Men,” “Yes, Dear” and “King of Queens” ever existed.

Jaime Pressly – The Academy just told you what a great job they think you do of playing white trash. I wouldn’t be so happy if I were you! And calm down girl, it’s just an Emmy!

Katherine Heigl – May I have the envelope please – sewn onto the shoulders of my dress?!

Thomas Haden Church – He won an Emmy? For “Sideways?” “Spider-Man 3?” Is “Ned and Stacey” still on the air? Oh, for a mini-series. They still make those?? His face has more lines than Dina Lohan’s coffee table!

Ellen DeGeneres – The gold necklace/graduation tassel made her look like a lady – a little old lady! Nana, what are you doing with that pretty lady on your arm?

One-liner montage – In lieu of any funny new jokes, they decide to pull together clips of old ones. I’m on to you, ATAS!

Adrian Grenier, Kevin Dillon et al – Believe what you want, fellas, but the only entourage you are a part of is Piven’s! And I don’t care how many times you tell yourselves “Entourage” is the male “Sex and the City” – it ain’t! That would actually require the show to be funny! Hug that out, bitches!

Eva Longoria – She was bedazzling!

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Just saying her name takes me back to the ‘90s. Exit stage left, please Ms. Hewitt.

Jon Cryer – Remember when you thought Cryer was cool in “Pretty in Pink” – yeah that’s long over.

Christina Aguilera – Compare her performance to Britney’s debacle of a week ago. How did she pull off morphing into the classy one – before our very eyes?! She’s stepping out with her yet-be-publicly-confirmed baby!

Tony Bennett – While he probably can’t see two feet in front of himself, can somebody please get his wife some rouge and concealer?

Ali Larter – Gorgeous!

Kiefer Sutherland – Needs to stop spending 24 hours in the tanning bed. Cheez Doodle orange is not his best color.

Robert Duvall – What was with that weird “five Chinese girls” comment during his acceptance speech?! Nurse!

Queen Latifah – She should have won an Emmy – for Best Actress in a Musical, Comedy, Variety show, Mini-Series or Made for TV Movie Trying to Look Natural While Wearing a Dress.

Roots Anniversary – The saddest fact of the 30^th anniversary salute was realizing that if Roots were made today, it would require giving Kunta Kinte 50 extra pounds, an exponentially more gorgeous wife, supernatural powers and a Manhattan loft. Oh, and it would have to air on the UPN – which no longer exists!

How in the hell did “The Starter Wife” get nominated for anything?! Debra Messing should have to give her “Will & Grace” Emmy back for making that piece of basura!

Hayden Panettiere – Nothing says cute, young and fresh – like a peach, plus-sized bridesmaid potato sack. She actually wanted to wear something from NY fashion week – not an actual tent from it. Was someone hiding in there? The cast of “Lost”? Baby Maddy?Cuba Gooding Jr.'s career? For once, heterosexuals weren’t the only men who wanted to get Hayden out of her dress.

Neil Patrick Harris – If he came out of the closet last year, why is he still pretending to hit on Hayden? Is he doing research to play a Republican Congressman?

Mark Harmon – If you’ve ever watched an episode of “Navy NCIS” please identify yourself!

Marcia Cross – or Jigsaw from Saw? – Just try and find a line on that face. Marble Housewife!

Judy Davis – She didn’t show up, either because she either didn’t think “Starter Wife” would win… or she was too embarrassed.

Glenn Close – Now starting at middle linebacker for the Oakland Raiders, # 60, Glenn Close! Or did they turn “TransAmerica” into a TV show? Such a handsome woman!

Mary Louise Parker – The coolest chick in the room, bar none – next to Elaine Stritch!

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee – ‘Cause I know you wanted to hear that name one more fuckin’ time!

Jersey Boys salute – And I thought Journey ended the Sopranos on a gay note!

Sopranos cast minus one Drea de Matteo – Not even her old cast can forgive her for working on “Joey”!

Sally Field – Drink yer juice Shelby! You are an actress, not Cindy Sheehan.

Helen Mirren – For once, she looked like a hot boiled mess. And leave the pocketbook at your seat. Nobody wants to steal your Kleenex, and hard candy!

Lewis Black – In the name of John Candy, Chris Farley and Sam Kinison: Amen!

Kathryn Morris – Where does CBS find these people? You know it’s bad when you’re on a network primetime show -- and Flavor of Love contestants are more recognizable!

Masi Oka/Apple computer – Not so subtle product placement. And the Tom from MySpace cameo was a nice Fox/News Corp. synergistic touch, Rupert Murdoch!

Al Gore – What was Patricia Heaton doing during Gore’s standing ovation? Burning fossil fuels? Lecturing Ellen and Portia? Making Tony Shaloub and Paula Abdul go through security again? Just curious.

Stanley Tucci – The Bald and the Beautiful

Elaine Stritch – The Not-so Young and the Restless. The yawn seen round the globe Even she yawned from the show– but then again she’s not used to staying up past 7pm.

Debra Messing – Is it me, or has she worn this dress before? God knows it must be hard to find a good dress when you have negative cleavage. Just ask Felicity Huffman!

Kate Walsh – Her dress was going to the Emmys, her hair – to a roller skating party in the ‘70s.

Lisa Rinna – TV Guide fired Joan Rivers -- but kept her cheekbones! Now she’s Dancing with the SCARS.

Joan & Melissa -- RIP

2007 Oscars

2007-02-26T18:41:00.000-08:00

Things I learned from watching the 79th Annual Academy Awards:

1. The 2007 Academy Awards shall go down as the Lesbian Oscars. From Ellen & Melissa to Jodie & Latifah, the ladies who love ladies were out, well sorta, in full force. Let the red carpet munching begin!

2. The Academy thinks the home audience loves vignettes and montages. There were so many dreadfully long ones last night, that I dozed off and saw my life flash ever-so edited before my eyes, and set to a Ennio Morricone soundtrack.

3. Because of that amazing dance troop, somewhere Debbie Allen is slicing her wrists and paying for all her previous Oscar telecast interpretive dances… in sweat.

4. My heart goes out to my East Coast brethren, because staying up until 1 AM to watch the show's bitter end is a feat in itself. But to everyone who complains that the Oscars are long and boring, I ask: It's the SEVENTY-NINTH annual edition, have you ever watched them before? Because I can't remember the last time they were under three hours or edited a la Michael Bay.

5. Academy voters listened to my SAG recap plea and didn't bestow anymore undue praise on 'the little movie that blew,' "Little Miss Sunshine." Hallelujah! I'm so SuperFreakin' happy!

Like a good editor, I'm just gonna cut to the chase. Here is my recap of the 2007 Academy Awards. Please forward any comments or complaints to me at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com. You can also check out the recap on my blog at www.johnnylopez.com.

Check out all the Oscar pics at www.wireimage.com/Oscars.

As always, email me if you want to be added to the distribution list.

Anyways, I'm out.

Ciao!

Johnny

Ellen DeGeneres – Brava! See, lesbians can be funny! And I can't believe she uttered the word "gay!" If only she would dare say it on her talk show every now and then.

Portia di Rossi – The hottest lesbian in Hollywood since, um, since, er, um, er… Ladies and gentleman, the hottest lesbian in Hollywood.

Nicole Kidman – She was there to present, so she came dressed as a present! Ho!Ho!Ho! Did she learn nothing from Charlize's bowrrific ensemble last year? Actually, her red pipe cleaner dress grew on me as the night went on. It looked much better on stage than against the red carpet. And isn't this what we want at the Oscars? Kudos to Kidman for adding a little drama to an otherwise tepid red carpet.

Daniel Craig – You can have your Oscar. I want a DANIEL! Sumptuous!

Maggie Gyllenhaal – What is it about Mags, that everything she wears, no matter how glamorous, comes off looking like a second hand flea market find. I know she embodies that whole Lower East Side emo-hipster-I-wear-granny-dresses look, but c'mon it's the Oscars! What the hell was in her hair? If only she had a gay brother to give her styling tips! At least Peter Sarsgaard cleaned up well.

Will Ferrell & Jack Black – In "We want to host the Oscars next year." Write this down: For once I actually thought Jack Black was funny. Could these two finally be winning over the gay audience? If so, please destroy any remnants of Tenacious D. Following the Grammy trend, I see Will is also getting his hairstyling advice from Rhea Pearlman.

Abigail Breslin & Jaden Smith – Hyde Class of 2017. Will & Jada should spend less time putting Jaden in films and more time teaching him to read! Now that Abigail didn't win her Oscar, how long before she's in the maternity ward next to Keisha Castle-Hughes?

James McAvoy – It's not hard to look cute when your most famous role is playing a man-goat in "Narnia."

Jessica Biel – She really needs to stop with the lat pulldowns. She's surpassing Madonna-arms and heading into Carrot Top-sized muscle proportions. That being said, her crossover from TV land to the film world has been "7 th Heaven." (Sorry Sarah Michelle and Jennifer Love.) Was not a fan of the Barney-dress or the frizzy schoolteacher do either. To say nothing of the matchy-matchy magenta lipstick!

Rachel Weisz – Good but not very memorable. Like her career.

Alan Arkin – The tranny that Eddie Murphy picked up on Santa Monica Blvd. in '97 wound up dead a few months later. That's all I'm saying.

Eddie Murphy – Honey, his best acting role was getting the world to forget he loves trannies! At least he can take comfort in knowing he'll be able to hit the sale rack at Chicos for "Norbit 2." Tracey Edmunds is the biggest beard since ZZ Top.

Mark Wahlberg – Let me tell ya, when I think about Marky Mark, I get such a 'good vibration!' Ewww Weeee! That boy is fine.

Jackie Earle Haley – He'll now have a very long career in loads of films… about Nosferatu!

Randy Newman/James Taylor performance – America sets the Guinness Book World Record for synchronized bathroom-going.

Melissa Etheridge – Drag King. Who woulda thunk you'd ever see Tammy Lynn Michaels at the Oscars?? Actually, after "Popular" was cancelled, who ever thought you'd hear from her, period? There's hope for all of us. And that's right peeps, Tammy is Melissa's WIFE. Not girlfriend. Not lover. Not partner. WIFE! Get used to it, haters!

Leonardo DiCaprio – Like a fine George Clooney, he gets better with age.

Al Gore – Who cares about the White House when you get to go to the Vanity Fair party?! Poor Tipper, she still thinks she's going to a political fundraiser. All that money and the best she can do is a Bill Blass gown. Bill Blass??? Is it 1981?? Now that's an inconvenient truth!

Cameron Diaz – Loved the tan and brown hair. The dress came compliments of Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.

Ben Affleck – The Academy was like, "You can come, but Garner can't. Tell her the Emmys are in Sept." Oscar winner for ALLEGEDLY writing a screenplay.

Emily Blunt – Fabulous! And you know I'm not a fan of the glitterati dress trend!

Anne Hathaway – The Devil Wears Prada, not Rorschach inkblots! She is in need of some serious retail therapy. Poor thing couldn't get it right, if her life depended on it. And it does.

Meryl Streep – Look what Mama Meryl dusted off from the back of her closet! Styling by Mrs. Roper. I hear she was outsourced to read palms and tarot cards at the Vanity Fair party. Was she not allowed to keep her "Prada" outfits?? Note to Meryl: Next time, leave the St. Maarten beachside jewels on the cruise ship. Still, no one gives FACE like Meryl. Hysterical.

Milena Canonero – Winner of Best Costume Design for Marie Antoinette – Or was it Frau Farbissina from "Austin Powers?"

Tom Cruise – You know your career is in trubs when, despite reaching Operating Thetan Level 7, the Oscar audience welcomes your entrance as if Isaiah Washington were entering the GLAAD Awards. Time to re-up that Dianetics subscription, Tommy boy.

Sherry Lansing – Ladies and Gentlemen, the lost Gilmore Girl. The best she's ever looked.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair! Her next role: "Splash 2: Mermaids on the Red Carpet." And then there's mauve. MAUVE!

Naomi Watts – She was so close. Old Hollywood glamour meets… Charlie Brown! Wah wah wahhhhhh!

Catherine Denueve and Ken Watanabe – in "Babel." Whose bright idea was it to put these two together? Last time I checked, Brits and Aussies were foreigners too. Translator, please! Can someone explain her gown to me? Was she preparing to compete in a bullfight? And was that Ken Watanabe's wife or the Kodak Theater's resident nail technician? How about we compromise and get her a Vera Wang gown?

Cate Blanchett – Stunning. An ugly-pretty girl never looked so good. Sorry Sarah Jessica.

Clive Owen – It's a steadfast Oscar rule that the only people allowed to wear tuxedos without ties are lesbians and Diane Keaton. Wait, that's redundant.

George Clooney – I feel so bad for the consummate bachelor, because if George were handsome, talented and rich, he'd have no trouble finding a girlfriend. Someday he'll meet the ideal partner.

Jennifer Hudson – Jennifer Hudson has landed… from the moon. Andre Leon Talley is a sick prankster for putting her in that Miss Piggy "Pigs in Space" Reynolds Wrap bolero jacket. Can you say "ghetto unfabulous?" And please stop fidgeting with the car keys in your pocket! There's no denying she has an amazing voice, but now, she, like Catherine Zeta-Jones, just needs to win an Oscar for acting.

Rinko Kikuchi – Holy harajuku girl! Spectacular! Loved everything about her look, except her black gums.

Adriana Barraza – Tia is that you??? Wait a second, isn't she on "The George Lopez Show?" So cute! She was the best thing in "Babel."

Eva Green – Double, double, toil and trouble! Someone was making videotape dubs, because what was Samara from "The Ring" doing at the Oscars? Or was it the bastard love child of June Carter Cash and Dayanna Torres? Regardless, on a scale of 1 to 10, she gets a point 007. Bad. Really bad.

Gael Garcia Bernal – Formerly cute. Que paso?

Clint Eastwood – Unlike Nicholson, Eastwood has to wear his sunglasses indoors because of cataracts. You know you're old when people think you are robbing the cradle for marrying a pre-menopausal woman. Do you think Clint really knows Italian, or was he just winging the translation of Ennio Morricone's acceptance speech?

Celine Dion – Resurfaces after being holed up for four years in Vegas. While her career-ending Caesars Palace cheesefest is drawing to a close, that can only mean she is preparing to unleash a new album of mid-90s adult contemporary pop-schlock on us. Regardless of what some people said, I think her green arrivals dress looked good… for her! Glad to see Papa Smurf, er, I mean her husband is alive and well.

Penelope Cruz – Golden goddess. The only true OSCAR DRESS of the night. A dress appropriate for nothing but the Oscars! I'm sorry, but when you are nominated for an ACADEMY AWARD you want your gown to be glamorous AND dramatic. This ain't the "Meet the Fockers" premiere the Mann Westwood. I had no idea she & Will Smith shared ears!

Kirsten Dunst – Sporting one of her old "Interview with a Vampire" outfits. I hope she channeled Marie Antoinette and had her hair, makeup and wardrobe stylists beheaded for this revolting ensemble.

Tobey Maguire – Is he trying to look like Ed Grimley from SNL?? Nerdy chic is one thing, but there ain't nothin' cute about looking like a creepy postal worker. And I'm sorry, his girlfriend Jennifer Meyer may be a movie mogul's daughter, but to me she looks like every girl in Murray Hill who works in publishing and lunches in Bryant Park. I hope there was a Jitney to the Vanity Fair party. Scratch that. She looks like Alexis Arquette.

Jennifer Lopez – Ay mija, que hiciste??? I just expect more from J.Lo. She still has the best makeup in the biz, but the hair was a little marmish and the dress made her look preggers. Hey if you can't be it, dress the part, right? Also props to Marc Anthony's stylist, cuz I could barely see the IV hooked into his arm.

"Dreamgirls" performance – Just like a defibrillator, Jennifer Hudson, Beyonce and 'the third Dreamgirl' revived the telecast just in the nick of time. Singing next to J.Hud, you know Beyonce was like, "Don't I look skinny!" Yes, B you iz skinny and you sho' can sing, but you ain't nevah gonna get an Oscar. Not even a singing one!

John Travolta – presenting with Latifah — I couldn't figure out who had the bigger weave! Britney's blonde bob would have looked "realer" than his burlap bird's nest.

Queen Latifah – The Lesbian Oscars continue. A blonde bombshell in sequined retread Goodyear radials.

Kate Winslet – In my book, Kate Winslet can do no wrong even though mint green on a red carpet is about as flattering as an exposed tattoo and a gown!

Jodie Foster – The lesbian Oscars roll on. Melissa brings Tammy Lynn and Ellen showoffs Portia, but poor Cydney Bernard can't see the light of day for revealing to absolutely no one's surprise that Jodie is gay. Thank god there is an endless amount of single-moms-in-peril films in development. Flight Plan 7, Panic Room 12.

In Memorian – The only omission stranger than Anna Nicole's – Peter O'Toole's. And where was Winona Ryder? She's been dead for years. At least professionally anyway.

Helen Mirren – Can do no wrong. Now that she has her Oscar, stay tuned for a romantic comedy starring Matthew McConaughey. The patron saint of aging gracefully. The real reason she carried her purse to the podium: Winona Ryder was spotted in the building. Working!

Reese Witherspoon – The best Ben Stiller's wife has ever looked! GORGEOUS. Although, I did think the hair was too casual for the Oscars. Like she was going to AREA with LC and Kristin Cavallari instead of the Vanity Fair party. Attention Britney, this is how a young, blonde mother of two gets divorced. Although, I bet she went home last night with Ryan….GOSLING!

Ryan Gosling – I wish he'd give me a Half-Nelson! So hot. Did he break up with Rachel McAdams or was she at home trying to wash those awful pink streaks from her hair?

Peter O'Toole – The Departed. Nurse!

Forest Whitaker – Many think he doesn't deserve it, asking how he managed to pull off such a feat? No, not the Oscar win, but landing such a smokin' hot wife??? Rumors are that the Travolta-Prestons are putting the full court Xenu-pressure to get the big guy to turn into Scientologista. RUN FOREST RUN!

Philip Seymour Hoffman – The lesbian Oscars keep on truckin'. Hey everyone, it's Cynthia Nixon's 'husbian' life-partner. She looks fantastic!

Diane Keaton – The lesbian Oscars are almost over, and hell has officially frozen over, because Diane Keaton actually looked good! I almost didn't recognize her. No gloves! No men's suit! No oversized belt! And most importantly, no Charlie Chaplin hat! To top it all off, she was drunk. I now have new love for Didi.

Sally Kirkland – Sally and her amazing techincolor dreamcoat! It's not The Oscars until Sally arrives on the red carpet … at NOON!

Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse – Judge Reinhold at Oscar arrivals. Wha, wha, WHAAAAT?!

Lisa Ling – Repurposing Demi Moore's infamous Oscar bike-shorts debacle. She must be so happy she left "The View" to cover hard-hitting news stories!

Joan Rivers – I love the TV Guide channel for allowing a 19th century silicone cyborg with Alzheimer's to interview celebs dressed in a bloodied chinchilla fur. It doesn't get better than Joanie!

Andre Leon Talley – Don't adjust your televisions b/c that was not Whoopi in drag.
Vogue's ALT was truly the biggest Queen of the night.

Madonna – FLAWLESS. Check out the pics of her at the Vanity Fair party. Pushing 50 never looked so good. What's her beauty secret, you ask? Why, daily applications of hypo-allergenic Malawian souls, of course.

THE END

2007 Grammys

2007-02-12T18:58:00.000-08:00

Due to the crisis in the East, my recap is coming a little later than normal. And by crisis I do mean the death of Anna Nicole Smith. You have no idea what the last few days have been like at work. Insane! But I digress.

Things I learned by watching the 49th Annual Grammy Awards:

1. By the looks of Hilary Duff, Shakira, Nelly Furtado, Christina Aguilera, India Arie and Weird Al, it appears the flat iron is (finally) dead! The perm is back. Long live Rhea Pearlman.

2. Rachel Zoe has retired her crown as Hollywood’s premiere stylist to the head costumer of 80s TV dance program “Solid Gold.” Please note: Vanessa Minnillo, Hilary Duff, Petra Nemcova, Carrie Underwood, Natasha Beddinfield.

3. If you are a musical legend like The Doors, Maria Callas or the Grateful Dead, your Lifetime Achievement award will consist of two sentences, a pan to your nearest living kin, and awkward applause. Now back to a performance by Ace of Base and JoJo.

4. The only thing worse than a bad host is… no host. Someone give me a joke, any joke. Even a bad joke. Despite 57 performances, the show moved slower than a Kirk Douglas speech.

5. Since the music industry has had a hard time creating pop stars on their own lately, the Recording Academy caved and turned to “American Idol” style theatrics to try to drum up some interest in the telecast and maybe discover the next Carrie, Clay or Kelly. They didn’t. Robin Troup meet William Hung. Will this whole need to get "the people at home" involved please end!

As always feel free to send any comments, feedback and donations to me at thejohnnylopez@gmail.com.

Until the Gay Super Bowl (aka the Oscars) on Sunday, February 25th.

-Johnny

The Police – The big news wasn’t that they reunited, but that Sting doesn’t age! Sadly, it seems he transferred those excess years to Stewart Copeland and Andy Summers. Sting looks great for 55. His wife Trudie should count herself lucky, although his shaved armpits are a little disturbing.

Tony Bennett – He also looks great… for 109, but is he really the best person to be leading Stevie Wonder on stage? Talk about the blind leading the blind!

Stevie Wonder – Wearing Paula Abdul’s dress in mens.

Joan Baez – Kumbaya! Someone’s been taking styling advice from Helen Mirren. Amazing at 65!

Dixie Chicks – Five for fighting! After being denounced, depressed and detwanged, the decountrification of Natalie, Emily and Martie is officially complete. I love these bitches, but Natalie’s white 80s prom performance gown was not ready to make nice either! But seriously, who needs Grammys when you get to go home to Adrian Pasdar from “Heroes”!

Gnarls Barkley – Or was it Big Gay Al Roker?

Prince – Everybody say it with me “Linda Dano weave!” The white suit was courtesy of Bay Ridge's own Tony Manero. The man is a genius. He hasn’t had a hit in over a decade, yet still gets himself booked on the Super Bowl, the Grammys -- and just barely missed out an Oscar nom. America loves midget, androgynous rockers in heels and a Spiegel catalog suit.

Beyonce – The only thing worse than her arrival dress – her Glendale Galleria kiosk polyester hair weave! Wash and wear. Her performance wig and giddyup, er, I mean get-up were a tad better, although the dress was so sheer you could almost to see her curly-qs. B needs to go to Churchill Downs and score some new weaves!

Black Eyed Peas – The only thing faker than will.i.am’s ear-cessory: Fergie’s chola accent! If Fergie Fugs really wants to be more ‘glamorous,’ she should consider lowering the hems on her red carpet nighties to just below her black eyed V.

Mary J. Blige – Who doesn’t worship at the Church of Blige? That being said, I don’t mean to haterate, but haven’t we been hearing about her drug days for the last 7 years?? I’m glad she finally got her Grammys, but girl needs to let it rest. Hallelujah, holla back! And it doesn’t matter how many buns she puts in her hair, there ain’t nothin’ that can make an exposed tattoo and a gown look classy. Just ask Melanie Griffith. Loved the red 70s jumpsuit/Farrah hair a million times more.

Queen Latifah – Even Al Gore would have looked more comfortable in her dress. Contrary to popular belief, Beyonce isn’t the person who wants Jennifer Hudson killed the most. If anyone’s career is about to be hijacked, it’s Tifah’s!

Justin Timberlake – Raise your hand if you are tired of his bringing suitsback look! I mean, it looks great and everything, but he’s getting so predictable and boring. Snore. And I could have done without the whole “Blair Witch” element of “What Goes Around.”

Robin Troup – She won a contest and got to sing at the Grammys. At the Grammys! Britney hasn't even done that!

Samuel L. Jackson – “Snakes on a Plane” is no longer the worst thing he’s been in this year. That honor goes to his Janet Reno inspired Chico’s ladies sweater.

Pink – MARVELOUS! She had me tickled pink! The best she has ever looked. Her body looked amazing, she chose a chic black number, and even her power dyke do looked hot! But in order to get that Vogue cover, she better laser off those trashy tats.

Brooke Hogan – Looking like a classic Old Hollywood… hooker! She kept bragging that she did her own hair and makeup. You don’t say! She might wanna try getting a dress in her size next time. Daddy would be so proud, because she was the incredible “Hulk” last night.

Natalie Cole – Presenting with Ornette Coleman, who I swear I heard say “Spare some change?” Her hair, makeup and dress made her almost seem like a biological woman.

Corinne Bailey Rae – Adorable. Have you downloaded “Like a Star” yet? What are you waiting for?!

John Legend – So hot! Love his undone bowtie at arrivals, which Ludacris then copied during his performance.

John Mayer – How do you say, ‘lost all your cred by dating a pop whore’ in Japanese? His treatment of Ryan Seacrest at arrivals made Angelina’s Globes disgust seem downright cordial. I love his music -- it’s better than Tylenol PM!

Nelly Furtado – Is “Promiscuous Girl” her “Sugar Walls?” How else do you explain her need to emulate a mid-80s Sheena Easton?! The return of the Toni Home Perm. Does Johnny Weir know his uniform is missing?

Natasha Beddinfield – Brit Ekland 2.0

Pussycat Dolls – Every single one of them looks like a “Pretty Woman,” if you know what I’m saying! Do they still charge by the hour if you splurge for all of them?

Christina Aguilera – Who da skanky one now, Britney? That voice could wake the dead, or at least Tony Bennett. How hard do you think it will be to get all of her Cheese Doodle orange tanning makeup off her white suit? Toni Home Perm strikes again!

James Blunt – The cute Jon Heder. If I never hear “Beautiful” again it will be too soon. You’re not at a weekend brunch in Echo Park. Dress up! And what was with Linda Perry and her albino girlfriend behind him at arrivals? That was a whole lotta strange.

Petra Nemcova – As long as she is with Blunt, she will have to be happy sporting all of Nicole Kidman’s Tom Cruise-era pumps. Her “Solid Gold” dress doubles as a thermo-wrap… should a Tsunami hit Staples Center.

Shakira – The new Charo. Perm-alicious! The Toni Home Perm done right! Don’t know how she did it, but mija took Beyonce’s Globes’ dress, cut it up, and made it look 10 times classier. You know I'm telling the truth cuz “Hips Don’t Lie.”

Burt Bacharach – First Barry Manilow and Rod Stewart morph into Barbara Walters and now Burt turns into a combination of Beverly Ann from "Facts of Life" and Annie Lennox. Tell me “Why?!” Are they casting a movie version of “Golden Girls” that I’m not aware of?

Seal – Winner of the Grammys alterna-tux award. Just enough rock-n-roll, but still chic and simple.

Luke Wilson – I get that Alyson Hannigan and that other girl from “How I Met Your Mother” were there because of CBS, but explain why Luke was? Is he sleeping with JT too?

Mandy Moore – Yikes! Is she opening for the Indigo Girls? ‘Cause all that was missing from her tie-dye couture was a pair of Birkenstocks and some leg hair. But you’d give up too if you read the reviews for “Because I Said So.”

LeAnn Rimes – You know she has a hit out on Carrie Underwood. The only thing disappearing faster than her career – her breasteses.

Carrie Underwood – Another CONTEST WINNER gets her Grammy. She gave the best impersonation of Reese Witherspoon’s “Walk the Line” performance I’ve ever seen. Yes Carrie, you can sing at the Grammys… just not your own songs! How much you wanna bet she has a sex tape?!

Rascal Flats – Can we do some DNA testing on the lead singer? I swear he/she does the door at the L-Word Bar and Grill.

Imogen Heap – Kudos for getting noticed Ms. Imogen ‘trash’ Heap. At least now moms in Des Moines have heard of you! The funny thing is that it’s not too far off from some of Gwen Stefani’s everything-and-the-kitchen-sink ensembles. Where’s a NASA diaper when you need one?? I actually thought the strangest thing about the whole debacle was her un-groomed eyebrows. Is it the 90s?

Christina Ricci – She looked so good that I barely noticed her usual resemblance to E.T. last night.

Smokey Robinson – All his botox gives new meaning to the line “So take a good look at my face, you'll see my smile looks out of place.” I’ll say! And I didn’t realize Victoria’s Secret made sheer, lacey camis for men! Is Bobby Trendy his stylist now?

Lionel Richie – Hello! He sounded awesome. I don’t care what The Recording Academy says, but somehow I don’t think in 20 years Chris Brown’s “Run It” will be revered like “Hello” or “Tracks of My Tears.”

Chris Brown – Screw his “Stomp the Yard” performance, it was all about his James Brown dance homage. Hot!

Rihanna and David Spade – They wish they looked like Iman and David Bowie. It was more like Tyra and Ellen!

Hilary Duff – Yet another Solid Gold dancer with a matching perm. The return of the outta boro guidette! I had to pinch myself because I swore when she was on the red carpet I was watching lost footage from my ’89 Queens catholic high school prom. Can someone cue Richard Marx’s “Hold On to the Night” for me?

Jennifer Hudson – Two weeks and counting until the J. Hud backlash begins. Everyone knows your career starts spiraling downward the minute you finish your Oscar acceptance speech. Just ask Nicole Kidman, Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones -- to say nothing of Anna Paquin, Mira Sorvino and Whoopi Goldberg.

Red Hot Chili Peppers – Tell me I’m not crazy, but Anthony Kiedis was hot once, right? Now he just looks like Hilary Swank. And you know the women in the audience were not having all that confetti/feathers in their weaves. Hells to the no!

Al Gore – Um…excuse me, but let’s not forget it was Al’s wife, Tipper, who started the PMRC (Parent’s Music Resource Center) back in the 80s to censor music. So continue being carbon-free, but save your whole ‘I love music’ crap for someone who cares.

Scarlett Johansson – Brooke Hogan’s look done correctly. Since it’s a Hollywood law that when one celeb pop tart checks into rehab another one gets her wings, the part of Lindsey Lohan will now be played by Scarlett. And she’s on her way to a great start: breaking up w/one celeb boyfriend (Hartnett), then hooking up with another in public (JT), and now recording an album. Looks like it’s T minus 10 and counting until we see her cookie-o-puss.

Melissa Rivers - Was that her dress or was she late getting back from her mani/pedi/chin wax in Little Tokyo? Konnichiwa. Bangs by Alicia Keys.

Ryan Seacrest - aka the red carpet punching bag. What are we gonna do about this little bird shouldered boy? Someone needs to tell him that these celebs aren't really his friends. You are not one of them. Impostor. Like a contest winner.

Madonna - No, she wasn't there, but it's been 25 years since her first single, "Everybody," was released and Madonna Louise Veronica Ciccone Penn Ritchie is still winning Grammys. Even though it wasn't televised (only about 10% of categories are), Madge took home Best Electronic Dance album. She may be a crazy wannabe British Kabbalist baby stealer, but I still love her. Sorry.

Ya se acabó!

A Media Whore Is Born

2007-02-04T19:26:00.000-08:00

Apparently, I'm not the only one who had issues with the film, as Mediabistro and World of Wonder gave my SAG recap a Little Sunshine of their very own.

2007 SAG Awards

2007-01-30T10:16:00.000-08:00

Because the SAG Awards were so utterly uneventful and since my day job has been insanely busy, I am forgoing my usual recap format. Instead of my standard laundry list of thoughts, I am going to just give you my biggest gripe of the entire night. And no, it was not Ellen Pompeo's Mrs. Roper Goes to Spanish Harlem outfit.

My friends, the worst ENSEMBLE by far was "Little Miss Sunshine" winning for Best Ensemble Cast! To quote SNL Weekend Update: REALLY?!?!

I know America and the Guild love a feel good Cinderella story, but can't we let Macy Gray, er, I mean Jennifer Hudson fulfill that quota? Don't even get me started on the Oscars, because I can't believe it's nominated for Best Picture over more deserving films like "Children of Men", "United 93", "The Good Shepherd" (which I thought was just ok) or even, bite my tongue, "Dreamgirls."

As far as ensemble casts go, you mean to tell me Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette, Steve Carell, Alan Arkin, Abigail Breslin, and the guy who played the son were, as a whole, better than the cast of "The Departed?" REALLY?!
Better than: Leonardo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, Anthony Anderson and Vera Farmiga. REALLY?!

If you are still professing your love for "the little movie that could" then please explain to me how in the hell you seriously bought:

1. Steve Carell's character bumping into his ex at the rest stop on the highway. REALLY?! This isn't an episode of "Friends" people!

2. That this family didn't know what went on at kiddie beauty pageants. REALLY?! Did the local news in their part of Albuquerque not cover the whole Jon Benet Ramsey case? Even my relatives in Cuba know what goes on and they only have electricity on alternate Tuesdays!

3. That Toni Collette's character would go to all this trouble to get her daughter to a beauty pageant, yet has no clue what her daughter's routine is until she's on stage? REALLY?!

4. That Steve Carell's character would dash his nephew's Air Force Academy dreams on the spot by telling him they don't let in guys who are color blind. REALLY?! You mean you wouldn't google the Academy rules first to be sure or at least wait until you get home.REALLY?! And since when are rebellious goth teens clamoring to get into the Armed Forces? Do they not make Dungeons & Dragons anymore?

5. The family driving around with Alan Arkin's dead body in the van. REALLY?! Actually, I thought this was funny too...in "National Lampoon's Vacation"!

Now, I can enjoy slapstick comedy as much as the next fool, but please don't try to pass it off as a real or believable story. Cause it ain't!

And finally, if the Academy really wants to honor a young, up-and-coming talent, then, with my apologies to Miss Breslin, look no further than "Half Nelson's" Shareeka Epps. She, my friends, is truly a SUPERFREAKin’ great actress!

Well, enough talk about this drivel of a movie. On to the Grammys on February 11th. I hear Beyonce has already commissioned Barbaro's remains for her weave.

Ciao!
-Johnny Lopez
thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

2007 Golden Globes

2007-01-30T10:14:00.000-08:00

2007 Golden Globes – 1/16/07

by Johnny Lopez

Things I learned from the 2007 Golden Globe Awards:

1.The bowtie is dead. Long live the black regular tie.
2.Red, red lips make most women look clownish—at least on television.
3.Metallic dresses are great for walking the runways of the Westside Piers and the corner of Highland + Santa Monica Blvd.
4.As seen by the influx of white dresses, The Druids are controlling the Hollywood fashion biz.
5.Don't let Warren Beatty speak.
6.People actually watch "Monk," "House" and "The Closer."

With the world of TV and film coming together at the Globes, it makes for a lengthy recap. (Sorry Greg!). Check out pics here: Wire Image

Send any comments or feedback to me at:

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Until the SAG Awards on Sunday, Jan. 28th.

-Johnny Lopez

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Apparently, the" Ghost Whisperer" couldn't hear fashion advice as she opted for this brown quincenera dress. Felicidades!

Sienna Miller – Her Roman inspired gown left her looking like an ancient ruin. Didn't Diane Krueger (remembah huh?) wear the same dress last year? Is "Factory Girl" ever coming out?

Patricia Arquette - Patricia may play a "Medium" --but she still needs an Extra Large.

Rosanna Arquette – Her black lacy funeral dress officially ushers in the death of her career. Yet again.

Gillian Anderson - Hopefully the truth is out there as to who styled Gillian Anderson's scary outfit.

Jean Smart – Looking like a goth secretary boarding the Staten Island Ferry to her job at PriceWaterhouseCooper!

Jeremy Irons - Sporting the latest from Steven Seagal's Last Samurai Collection.

Jay Manuel - (he co-hosted E!'s red carpet) – Leslie Uggams is that you? Channeling Lestat in his International Male catalog velvet blazer/pirate shirt atrocity. Hair by Brigitte Nielsen.

Geena Davis - Her satin aqua smock gave me the blues. What time does her La Cage Aux Folles performace start?

Rinko Kikuci (Babel) – Gwen finally let one of her Harajuko girls out on her own! Sadly, the pink faerie nightie was even more confusing than "Babel."

Sharon Stone (w/sunglasses on) - Sharon wears her sunglasses at night and showcases her trademark brand of crazy to the world.

Beyonce – From Dreamgirl to Showgirls! She got her freak 'um dress straight from the sale rack of House of Derriere! The gold metallic hoochie number seemed more appropriate for "Flava of Love" than the Globes. She should win an award solely for acting so moved during Hudson's win. One good thing - only 36 horses had to die to make her weave! Luckily, neither Swank nor Melissa Rivers were involved.

Cameron Diaz - Cameron D's froo-froo dress had so many bells and whistles, you could hear it coming a mile away. Run! Someone throw Celine's backwards tux jacket on her, stat! Bring back the blonde Cameron we all know and (except for JT) love! Red lip victim.

Prince – Still sporting that Linda Dano weave I see. His yellow suit looked great -- for the "Golden Girls!" The missing link between androgynous rockers and Boca Raton mah jongg players. Actually, I know his stylist, and you won't find a nicer salesgirl in any Talbot's!

Will Ferrell – I didn't mind his 70s 'fro. I just didn't know he was dating All My Children's male-to-female transsexual, Zarf.

George Clooney – Perfection.

Jennifer Hudson – Yes, we all love her. I mean, who doesn't love a Cinderella story? But just remember, acting powerhouses like Pia Zadora and Madonna have both 'won' Golden Globes too! I just hope this doesn't give Kelly Clarkson or Bo Bice any ideas!

Justin Timberlake – If I were JT I wouldn't be so quick to mock Prince. Cross the Purple One and risk being banished off the face of the earth. Don't believe me? Then explain the whereabouts of Vanity, Apollonia, Sheila E., Morris Day, Diamond & Pearl, and the entire Revolution!

Adrien Grenier – Proves a good shearing can do a boy some good.

Tina Fey – Great dress for a friend's wedding, but not a red carpet event.

David Spade – The Rachel didn't look good on Aniston, let alone on a pixie of a man. I'm talking to you too, Keith Urban.

Naomi Watts – She needs to flash her Britney bits or get a DUI if she wants to be more memorable. Hey Nomi, Kitson is just east of the Beverly Hills Hilton.

Renee Zellweger – 10 years since "Jerry Maguire," and she still hasn't removed the lemon wedge lodged inside her mouth! Will she ever be happy?

Jessica Biel – Looked so hot that I'll almost forget the abomination that was "Home of the Brave." Her body is the only thing harder than Sharon Stone's forehead.

Emily Blunt – It was a big night for Ms. Blunt, especially when she got home and found Anne Hathaway waiting in her darkened living room… boiling a rabbit.

Meryl Streep – The Devil Wears BLAHda. I don't expect her to wear cutting edge couture, but as the most talented American actress out there, and after starring in a film about fashion, can we at least get La Streep a flattering dress??? There's nothing chic about looking like a teacher at Hogwarts.

Ben Stiller – A long, long time ago, in a galaxy, far, far away I found Ben Stiller funny. It seems only appropriate that he is morphing into Ted Danson. Raise your hand if you ever saw an episode of "Becker?" If you paid money to see "A Night at the Museum" then the terrorists have already won.

Salma Hayek – Didn't love the white dress but when you look like Salma not even a bad frock can make you look bad.

Eddie Murphy – The one person Eddie didn't thank – Shalomar! Oh right, he/she died shortly after Murphy picked her up on Santa Monica Blvd in '97. I can see why he may be confused, but someone needs to tell him to stop hitting on Hudson and Beyonce. They aren't drag queens… I think.

Sarah Jessica Parker – In that gold metallic dress she looked like she was starring in "Paid Sex and the City."

Helen Mirren – All hail the Queen and cue Montell Jordan cuz this is how we do it! Flawless. All the Beverly Hills-ensteins take note: Mirren is the REAL thing. Elderly cleavage never looked so good!

Jake Gyllenhaal – He really is a Dream, girl! One year later and he's still playing a gay cowboy by riding in on his horse, Hilary Swank.

Hilary Swank – Two Oscars and she goes and makes "Freedom Writers?" She's just begging to star in a cable series.

Vanessa Williams – You're on in five, Miss Ross! The hair! The fur! Diva! Crazy but I loved it. Valedictorian at Sharon Stone Beauty Academy.

Tim Allen – Apparently, Tim hasn't watched TV since Home Improvement got cancelled, because Alec Baldwin is on "30 Rock" not "3 rd Rock," as he erroneously mentioned.

Clint Eastwood – He's come a long way since co-starring w/an orangutan in "Every Which Way But Loose." See, there is hope for Matt LeBlanc! I hear Eastwood's next film is semi-autobiographical and takes place during Clint's teenage years in the Civil War. Not even Dirty Harry can look tough in a white bowtie.

Hugh Grant – Was Divine Brown backstage? Because he looked like he got it on with something right before he presented with Drew.

Drew Barrymore – Jennifer Lopez is that you? Gorgeous! Hot, tan and svelte. Complete redemption for her Green Saggy Boob Debacle of '06.

John Stamos – A Greek god. The fact that he's single makes me question Rebecca Romijn's mental faculties.

America Ferrara – As Charlize and Kidman can attest, if you want to play ugly in Hollywood, then you better be pretty! "Ugly Betty" is the final nail in the "Desp Housewives" closet. Done.

Maria Menounos – Proves the only thing more awkward than being Rosie O'Donnell's bikini waxer is interviewing celebs as they come offstage and asking them how they feel. How do you think they feel, Einstein?

Tom Hanks – Thank god he got rid of that "DaVinci" do, but did he have to give it to Clay Aiken? Where was Rita Wilson? Don't tell me she was busy, because none of the nail salons in the Palisades stay open past 7pm.

Ken Watanabe – I know he's Japanese, but did he have to bring his geisha with him? I mean, Trump brought his whore with him too, but at least he left his butler at home.

Warren Beatty – His acceptance speech was courtesy of BABBLE. It made Dick Clark seem like Barack Obama. To think Madonna was hitting that 17 years ago. That's right, SEVENTEEN years ago!

Annette Bening – Drink Sue Ellen, Drink. Even when not up against Swank, she still can't win. In that dress, she had everyone wondering what time the sack races started.

Steven Spielberg – Where was Kate Capshaw, you ask? See Rita Wilson.

Reese Witherspoon – Kellie Pickler, what have you done with Ms. Witherspoon?! She seems so much lighter having lost those last 180 lbs, aka Ryan Phillippe. If Jake G. isn't screwing her on the set of their new film, then he really is gay.

Sacha Baron Cohen – the male Ugly Betty. I liiiike!

Jennifer Lopez – Gorge! I can excuse the bad films, the diva behavior, the cheesy MTV dance show, even her runt husband. But if she turns into a Cruisazy Scientologist, we will have to take her out—Lady Di style. Leah Remini must be stopped.

David Arquette – When did he become the prettiest Arquette?

Philip Seymour Hoffman – in Kaput.

Brangelina – Granted it was Brad's night, but she can't play the whole 'I don't care for these events' card while dressed in couture and blood diamonds, let alone the 12 lbs of cover up used to hide her trashy tattoos. With her Benetton brood at capacity, now she just needs to adopt a new attitude.

Forrest Whitaker – Nice guy, great performance and gorgeous wife, but the fact that he starred in "Battlefield Earth" scares me more than Idi Amin.

Arnold Schwarzenegger – You know the Hollywood Foreign Press didn't want to play the Red States/Blue States game by bestowing an award on Warren Beatty without giving the Governator airtime too.

Penelope Cruz – Between her and Angelina, Ryan Seacrest got no love last night. A man should never ask a lady about her beard. I don't care if it is as cute as Orlando Bloom.

Kate Winslet – With her possible 5th Oscar nom, she is on her way to becoming the Susan Lucci of the Academy Award. Another red lipstick victim.

Will & Jada-Pinkett Smith – Even Will would look more feminine in that peach dress than she did.

Aaron Eckhart – Hot!

Toni Collette – Unrecognizable! Should Cameron Diaz not be able to fulfill her duties, Miss Collette will be crowned the new Cameron Diaz.

Abigail Breslin – I heard Abigail and Dakota Fanning had a big fight at Chuck E. Cheese last night over Freddie Highmore, but he wound up leaving with Bindi Irwin to go to Hannah Montana's after hours.

Ben Affleck – He's back to looking hot. Interesting that he and J.Lo both downgraded after their breakup. Is that The Gigli effect?

Jen Garner – That white dress was the worst thing she's been in since "Elektra" or "Daredevil" or "13 Going on 30" or…

Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu – (director of Babel) – Salma, Ugly Betty, Penelope, J.Lo, Volver, Pan's Labyrinth, Alfonso Cuaron's Children of Men - The Hispanics are taking ovah! Coño!

"Heroes"cast – "Lost," who? The first season isn't over and Ali Larter has already begun losing weight. She does look great though.

Ellen Pompeo – Calista Zellweger or Renee Flockhart. You decide.

Patrick Dempsey – I am officially McOver him. Next.

Michael C. Hall – The anti-metrosexual. He actually got hotter going from playing a gay man in "Six Feet Under" to playing a straight murderer in "Dexter."

Elizabeth Perkins – Something's wrong. She's hot and hip in "Weeds" and a marm in real life. It's Ugly Liz.

Jeremy Piven – Hollywood's Chia Pet. Miraculously, his hair just keeps growing and growing.

Chloe Sevigny – A definite improvement for her, but still didn't love it. A perfect dress - for dinner at Captain Steubing's table.

Teri Hatcher – She got 0.00 media coverage. Yep, she's back to has-been.

Steven Cojocaru - The Rachel strikes yet again!

Ryan Seacrest – He's great at interviewing celebs to sleep. Bring back Kathy Griffin and Isaac Mizrahi!

Favorite Joanism – Rivers asking 10-year-old Abigail Breslin what her beauty regimen is.

Favorite Melissa moment – When she finally galloped off screen.

The People's Choice Awards

2007-01-30T10:13:00.000-08:00

The People’s Choice Awards – 1/9/06

Ok, I know you didn’t watch this pathetic show, but with the Globes on Monday I wanted to get in the recap mode again. It’s been a while!

You can check out pics of the show here: http://www.wireimage.com/GalleryListing.asp?navtyp=gls====252239&nbc1=1

Or you can just take my word on it.

As always feel free to agree, disagree, laugh or cry about my musings. Feedback, and donations,are always appreciated.

If you want to be added to the distribution list drop me an email at: thejohnnylopez@gmail.com. My email for recaps.

My other email is still my regular everyday email—for those of you that have that one.

Until Tuesday morning/afternoon.

-Johnny Lopez
thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

Queen Latifah – I haven’t seen someone look this uncomfortable in a dress since “To Wong Foo.”

Halle Berry – She wins for Fave Female Action Star and all people ever compliment her on is her beauty—so much for winning that Oscar. Remember that? Dissing Bryan Singer by thanking Brett Ratner for finally letting Storm fly this year will only guarantee that her non-X-Men roles will continue to be abominations.

Robin Williams – Someone give the hairy man some Ritalin please. Settle down Mork. You don’t have to prove you can still be ‘funny’ after going to rehab.

Emily Procter – (she’s one of those blonde actresses in one of those CBS crime shows) - 7 years later and peeps are still trying to outdo J.Lo’s Versace Grammy dress. Someone tape those puppies down!

Kenny Chesney – Slowly morphing into the killer in Jeepers Creepers. If you want to know why he never takes his hat off, then you’ve obviously never seen him with his hat off!

LL Cool J – If he’s not gonna be shirtless (like on the cover of his new book) then what’s the point!

Jennifer Aniston – Favorite Female Movie Star. Really? Did anyone see Rumor Has It or Derailed? She actually looked really good and she actually speaks! She’s been so silent all these years –other than in her fabulous films- that I was beginning to wonder. I still don’t understand how someone can have the opportunity to bear Brad Pitt’s spawn and they turned it down. LOCA.

Christina Applegate – Is still alive.

Johnny Depp – via satellite. Um…the only award show he goes to is the Oscars. And rightfully so.

Skeet Ulrich – Was “Scream” really 11 years ago? Did you know he was on a current series? Has he, unlike Brad Rowe, escaped the curse of looking too much like an already established heartthrob? Do you even know what I am talking about?

Katherine Heigl – Poor thing always gets it wrong. Can someone please put her in a simple black dress and be done with it!

The other black guy on “Grey’s Anatomy” that isn’t Isaiah Washington – HOMELESS

Rebecca Gayheart – Vehicular manslaughter never looked so good!

Adam Sandler – I’ve discovered the gay gene and it has nothing to do with fashion sense, witty banter, or the ability to throw a great party. Simply, there are those that find Adam Sandler movies funny (not gay) and those that don’t (gay). Except “The Wedding Singer” which is gay, Gay, GAY! So what are you?

Cameron Diaz – as the lost Olsen Triplet. What happened to her nose? If she’s serious that the reason she’s an actress is “for you” then I’m sure we can all find something to do with her $20 million per film paycheck. I’d pay her to STOP making films.

Ellen DeGeneres – She really is a butch Carson Kressley. Poor Portia. If it wasn’t for award shows Ellen would never show any affection in public. It’s obvious who wears the pants in this household, but someone needs to grow some balls and stop desexualizing themselves. If Letterman and Leno are allowed to flirt with guests, so should Ellen.

Wanda Sykes – Wore pants. You do the math.

Charlie Sheen – He thanked “us” for letting him do what he loves. Coke, hookers and gamble??? Whatever Carlos Estevez.

Vanessa Williams – Ok, I know I don’t watch it but “Ugly Betty” is a drama? Really?

Patrick Dempsey – Proof that you can be a 80s teen film star and still have a big career today. And then there’s Molly Ringwald.

David Duchovny – McDreamy meet McWeeny. What happened? The Echhh Files.

Hayden Panettiere – Jon Benet Ramsey Lives!! Save the Cheerleader indeed. The new Eva Longoria—from unknown to media onslaught in three short months.

Steven Cojocaru – There are no words.

Hannah Montana aka Billy Ray Cyrus’ 14 y.o. daughter – Let’s see how long he can keep her away from Hyde or Koi.

Best R+B song noms – Timberlake, Xtina and Mariah - Of all the R+B hits this year you’re telling me the only nominees you could come up with where 2 blondes and a quadroon! Crazy.

Justin Timberlake – poor Cameron will not be getting his dick in her box anymore.

Eva Longoria – What’s the name of her show that everyone USED to watch? I can’t seem to remember it. Wow, you too?

Vince Vaughn – aka the UNDEAD. The real life Lurch. Is Jen a vampire? Because someone sucked the life out of him. He’s slowly turning into the subway ghost in “Ghost.”

2006 VMAs - 9/1/06

2006-09-03T13:30:00.000-07:00

With no amazing performances, surprise guests or controversial moments - save the fact that transsexuals have taken over pop music (via Fergie, Pussycat Dolls and Danity Kane) -- last night's show was quite tepid. While I am glad they brought the show to it's rightful home of New York --back from two muy malo years in Miami -- it could still use some revamping. And by revamping I mean: keep it simple. Set up one stage, hire a non-erratic host and make sure presenters have rehearsed their lines. Once you have that down, I'm sure getting the Duff sisters to make out or Lil' Jon to duet with Tori Amos will be a breeze.

Please remember this recap is supposed to be amusing and not taken so seriously.

As always send me your comments and love to:

lopeyj@yahoo.com.

Until next time.

-Johnny Lopez
lopeyj@yahoo.com

Justin Timberlake – He’s bringing Sexy and Michael Jackson back! Did he learn nothing from the last time he channeled Senor Jacko? If he really wanted to wow us then he and Timbaland should have ended their number with a full on man-on-man kiss. You ready?!

Jack Black – It’s really funny that some people find him funny. Sometimes, I just don’t get you heteros and your bad senses of humor!

Jack White (and the Raconteurs) – I think Jack is so weird. Not because he’s paler than Nicole Kidman’s ass, or because he bares a bizarre resemblance to Mighty Mouse. But because he dated Renee Zellweger for a year. Ewww. That’s some strange shit.

Lil’ Kim – has gone a lil' insane. Why in the world is she trying to look like Joan Rivers and Madam from Wayland Flowers? Still, she's good show.

James Blunt - All it took to bring him and Petra Nemcova together was a tsunami.

Andre 3000 & Ciara - She still looks more masculine than he does. Sorry Andre but the jodhpurs trend failed.

Black Eyed Peas - the inner city No Doubt. Hip-pop. Positive rap. Call it what you like but their lyrics are just crappy gibberish to me. Can't wait to see their latest commercial, mall appearance or the inevitable performance at the Mrs. America pageant. Don't let them fool you; the only color these Peas see is GREEN.

Fergie - Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than the Black Eyed PLEASE (you know I had to call them that at least once), along comes little miss vagi-skirts with a solo video, er, I mean album. Can someone please explain what "London Bridge" is all about? On second thought, don't!

The Rock - With every ounce of fame he gets skinnier and skinnier. He's the WWE version of Nicole Richie.

Shakira - Gorgeous on the red carpet. Proving you don't need tons of makeup when you're truly beautiful --sorry Xtina and Fall Out Boy. Mamacita's been toning and tanning I see.

"Jackass" guys - No mas! We get it. You guys are crazy. Now please take your place in the reality show graveyard next to "Fear Factor", "Paradise Hotel" and "The Bachelorette." Except you Johnny Knoxville, please report to my room ASAP.

50 Cent and LL Cool J - The two hottest bods in rap and they wear oversized sweatshirts. That's the lamest thing I've ever heard since Will Smith tried to rap again.

Lil Jon - Isn't it about time we called Human Services. I mean seriously.

Kelly Clarkson - She wasn't there but she won over Madonna. I'll let that slide if you promise to stop your disgusting habit of watching "American Idol" every year. C'mon, please! If not I'll force you to listen to Rueben, Fantasia and Carrie Underwood albums!

Pussycat Dolls - Who knew the other bimbos could speak??? Ok, very nice, you won. Now I need you to get back to your posts on the West Side Highway. Time is money girls.

Sarah Silverman - Sarah, if you don't trip or fall then the MTV audience does not get your humor. To be quite honest, last night neither did I. And I usually love her. I'm just gonna blame Jack Black on that too.

Jessica Simpson - Did her stylist, Jessica Paster, put her in that Kelly Bundy dress? Somebody call Rachel Zoe quick! And has she been secretly working out with Nick because by the looks of her shoulders, girl can do a mean lat pulldown. At least she didn't sing. Thank God for small miracles.

OK Go - Was it me or did the treadmill routine seem 100 times cooler on Youtube? Nevertheless kudos.

Sean White (Olympian) - I too thought one Carrot Top in this world would be enough. But it is nice to see a male one.

Paris Hilton - I barely recognize her unless she's coming out of Hyde, or cumming in general.

Tara Reid - With every celeb under 30 in NY last night, I hope she had no trouble getting into Hyde yesterday. If you know not of what I speak check out this link:

http://www.tmz.com/2006/08/28/hilarious-paris-tara-video-im-so-yesterday/

Nick Lachey - So wait he really does sing? Who does he have to f*ck to get his song played on the radio? Or better yet on MTV? Which brings us to…

Vanessa Minnillo - Tread softly my dear because underneath the TRL studio you can still hear the ghosts of Idalis and Ananda Lewis gasping for airtime.

Nicole Richie-Escovedo - I'm rooting for the Twig Princess. I really am. She's very witty and the most stylish 9-year-old I've ever seen. I heard after the show she was at Bungalow 8 canoodling with John Mark Karr.

Pink - Winning for "Stupid Girls" and having Nicole Richie present it to you -- Can you say awkward? Her shaved head coif and unfortunate palazzo pants -- even more awkward. But her new album is fantastic. I highly recommend it.

John Norris - There are no words to explain. Does Mystic Tan have a new hairline? This MTV dinosaur needs to lay off the Sun-In. Freak-A-Zoid.

Beyonce - Diary of a Mad Black Woman! CRAZY in love is right. Somebody please "Ring the Alarm" because there is some serious shit going on in the House of Dereon.
Excuse me Ms. Knowles, while there's no denying you are a fab dancer, did you honestly think we wouldn't remember Rhythm Nation 1814??? With Jacko and Janet representing via JT and B - who's up for channeling LaToya and Tito? BTW, where was Janet? Miss Jackson has a new album coming up and needs all the help it can get. This time she better start readying her left boob.

Diddy - How he got America to run out and buy copies of Danity Kane's debut album is a bigger mystery than the whereabouts of Suri Cruise.

Jared Leto - for his latest role Jared Leto will play a Goth. Stupid! Goth in HS is one thing. I'll even excuse twentysomethings in bands discovering 80s Goth. But Goth in your 30s is just plain sad. Leto needs to find his "My So Called Life."

Amy Lee - She's a flop album away from scrapping her look and re-emerging in Danity Kane.

Panic at the Disco, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance - Nice outfits boys. I had no idea Jane Austen and Edith Wharton were the hardest working stylists in rock. If the MAC counter near you is out of ebony eyeliner blame their labels

Panic at the Disco - For everyone (especially guys) who say they don't like Broadway musicals, I call bullshit. Because their hit song has Andrew Lloyd Weber written all over it.

Fall Out Boy - Were they dressed for the VMAs or a prom at Hogwarts?

My Chemical Romance - Never mind the performance. That was the best ad the Observation Deck at Rockefeller Center could ever have hoped for. I'm so there my next trip to NY. (Which is during Thanksgiving btw).

Fort Minor - "Where'd You Go" - Eminem and Dido never sounded so good.

Kelis - Sadly she was going for the 106th and Park Ave Princess look but wound up like a 60s kindergarten teacher instead.

Little Miss Sunshine - I don't get what the hype is all about. Sorry.

Avenge Sevenfold - Who? What? Why? I'm just too old I guess.

Britney and K-Fed - What? How? Why? I'm just too old I guess.

Missy Elliott - How happy is she that she doesn't have to wear Glad bags - by default -anymore?

Hype Williams - proving you can still wear a hot tux and not lose your street cred. Superb. But Diddy is gonna kill him for not mentioning him in his acceptance speech.

Christina Aguilera - SING! What a voice. But I'm getting really tired of her whole "I'mnottrashylikeBritneysoI'mgonnabereallyglamorous" thing. We get it baby Jane. If she keeps pushing the classy image, expect to see her turn up as Elizabeth I or the Virgin Mary next.

Linda Perry - on piano w/ Xtina or was it Fievel?

AFI - MISS Murder, I couldn’t have thought up a better song title if I tried. The lead singer is the love child of Alan Cumming and Joyce Dewitt. Eyeliner is one thing but false eyelashes?! Like Shakira says, hips don't lie, lady. It's Boy George 2006. And everyone pretends they always knew Lance Bass was gay. Ha!

Tenacious D - No.

Queen Latifah - Three horses had to die to bust her weave out.

Al Gore - in "How to make an award show come to a screeching halt." The inconvenient truth is that sandwiched between acts like Pussycat Dolls and Axl Rose, this segment was just inappropriate. And that's coming from someone who really liked the documentary.

Jennifer Lopez - I see someone's seen "Grey Gardens." It was nice of her to take a break from her duties in King Arthur's court. She proved there's no baby bump, but plenty of booty bump. I know she's going to get lots of shit for her shower cap ensemble but at least it was interesting and fashion forward. And hysterical.

Axl Rose - The best Tonya Harding has looked in years.

The Killers - "When We Were Young" is just waiting to be put into a John Hughes teen comedy (with Molly Ringwald as the mom.) It's "Don't You Forget About Me '06". I can already hear it being played in proms from coast to coast. Can you tell I'm having a nostalgic moment?

2006 EMMYs

2006-09-03T13:25:00.000-07:00

There are officially no real television stars! Film and music celebs are so much more interesting. And since all a program needs to be considered a hit these days is a weekly viewer ship of about 15 million, there are loads of shows with casts that NO ONE recognizes. Boy could this show have used one of Teri Hatcher's I-used-to-be-a-has-been speeches.

You know it's bad when the cast on Big Brother:All Stars is more exciting. Go Janelle!

I know it's late but my job these days doesn't leave for as much free time as before.

So feel free to ask for your money should you not be pleased with your recap purchase.

As always I appreciate your comments and love. Send them my way at lopeyj@yahoo.com.

Until the VMAs on Thursday night!

-Johnny Lopez
lopeyj@yahoo.com

Annette Bening – Even without Hilary Swank nominated, poor Annette still can’t win a damn thing.

Barry Manilow – Sporting the latest from the Barbara Walters wig collection. I hear Rod Stewart owns one too. My question is: when he yelled “Alright Dick!” at the end of his performance was it meant to be a shout out to Dick Clark or did he finally come out of his Copacabana closet?

Blythe Danner – I hate giving any sort of Gwyneth-related praise, but Blythe looked great. That being said, the woman owns more shawls than an entire village of Italian widowed grandmothers.

Bob Newhart – Silly me thought he was already dead.

Calista Flockhart – Why, Mary Tyler Moore, look how young you’ve gotten!! Nothing says eating disorder like a return to primetime television. Are black teeth a sign of anorexia nervosa or was she just drinking red wine backstage? Since she’s got that new TV show this fall and dates Harrison Ford it’s pretty much an even draw.

Candice Bergen – Do me a favor and pass me Blythe Danner’s shawl cause we need to cover this up quick. Sporting the latest from Bed, Bath & Beyond’s Kimono-Cowboy Ready to Wear Collection.

Charlie Sheen – aka Carlos Estevez – Call me crazy but I think by divorcing Denise Richards he may actually be through with the whores.

Christopher Meloni – HUNK

Cloris Leachman – What Farrah Fawcett could look like if she had some good work done!

Dick Clark – I'm not going there.

Candy Spelling - What's the going rate for a relationship with your daughter?

Tori Spelling - Since she's ain't getting shit from her mom now, she and her Z-list actor husband can start making Red Shoe Diaries films for a living together or at the very least a sequel to Mother, May I Sleep With Danger!

Farrah Fossil - The best she's look since they reassembled her face. Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't she fight with Spelling over money and left Charlie's Angels after one year? Poor Cheryl Ladd was an Angel for much longer and got ass for it.

Kate Jackson - I believe she's still up on that stage talking. And had Aaron let her make Kramer vs. Kramer like she was supposed to her career could have been completely different.Meryl Streep different.

Jaclyn Smith - She was always my favorite Angel. Still gorgeous but needs to stop getting work done before she starts looking like a Beverly Hills-enstein. Remember when she was the only celeb with a fashion line?

Edie Falco – Once and for all Mystic Tanning does not, I repeat, does NOT look natural! Unless you consider Cheez Doodle orange a natural skin tone.

Ellen Pompeo – If the look she was going for was that whole white-trash-unwed-teen-mother- 7/11-attendant-with-a-nuyorican-accent thing then kudos. Mission accomplished.

Eva Longoria – Next to the sea of relative unknowns (sorry “The Office,” “Grey’s Anatomy” and Gillian Anderson) Eva comes off looking like she’s a Julia Roberts-size supastar!

Evangeline Lilly – Gorgeous. Place your bets now: How long before she’s in a romantic comedy with Matthew McConaughey?

Felicity Huffman – Remember huh? What a difference a year makes.

Heather Locklear – Somebody apparently got the name of Madonna’s doctor! Now be a doll and give their # to Fawcett.

Heidi Klum - Her next reality show should be called Project Tubes Tied. The girl is so fertile that Hezbollah just attacked her.

Howie Mandel - Who let him get famous again? Did we learn nothing from his 80s rubber glove over the nose trick? He and Joey Lawrence are trying to pull a McConaughey/Gyllenhall --only they are vying for the Mr. Clean role instead of Lance Armstrong.

Jamie Pressly - Am I suppose to be impressed she got nominated for basically playing her pre-(and possibly post)Hollywood self? I guess those 583 FHM covers finally paid off.

James Woods - He's dating a 20-year-old but he's TWENTY-times-three-years-old. Somebody check his Jon Benet alibi!

Jennifer Love Hewitt - She's growing up. How can I tell? Her hips don't lie. As Barry Manilow can attest to.

Jeremy Piven - Let's see. He brought his mom, wore an ascot and mentioned fluffer in his acceptance sheet. What do you think he's trying to tell us? Hmmm.

Joan Collins - Somebody oughta stop letting granny do her own makeup!

Julia-Louis Dreyfus - Hasn't aged since the "Seinfeld" finale. When you're married to an albino, how can you possibly almost forget to thank him?

Katherine Hiegl - No, don't worry. That wasn't Charlize Theron at the Emmys. It was just one of the droves of unknown actresses on "Grey's Anatomy."

Leslie Jordan - (Beverly Leslie from Will and Grace) - a non-"Brokeback" gay reference at an award show?? But this isn't the Tonys!

Mariska Hargitay - Fantabulous. She takes after her mom, Jayne Mansfield, and has a good head on her shoulders.

Matthew Perry - A new Matthew Perry TV show can only mean one thing: Let the weight fluctuations begin!

Megan Mullally - The thing is, everyone wants to see Karen Walker's talk show NOT Megan Mullally's! What is she thinking?

Patrick Dempsey - He had the best head of hair of the night. Well, besides Tyra's wig of course.

Ray Liotta - Or was it a Rhesus Monkey? Global warming wouldn't be such an issue if only the Polar icecaps were as frozen as his face.

Ron Livingston - Y'all can have Pitt, Clooney and Depp. Give me Livingston and I'll call it a day. Yum.

Sean Hayes - Now with the show cancelled, his Lance Bass moment should be no more than 24-36 months away.

Simon Cowell - In the words of Valerie Cherish, "I don't need to see that!" I haven't seen that much exposed cleavage since the 2004 Super Bowl.

Steve Carell - With the exception of Rainn Wilson, how cute has the cast of "The Office" gotten in these two years?! Not that I know their names.

Tina Fey - With Tina not returning to the show, the only reason left to watch SNL is to get your Saturday night guests to leave sooner.

Tom Selleck - God bless 'em. Someone's gotta keep the 70s porn look alive.

Tony Shaloub - One day soon people will start watching "Monk" and then he'll finally be able to get his name off the no-fly list.

Tyra Banks - Her dress cost $55K and her jewels $3 million. And we wonder why the world hates Americans! I haven’t seen someone pose this hard since Garth Brooks came out with Chris Gaines.

Virginia Madsen - I see what she bought with her "Sideways" money --tits!

Jean Smart - Looking young is always good. But looking like a young Tanya Tucker --not so good.

Leah Remini - Her exchange with Ryan Seacrest over Suri Cruise was priceless. A metrosexual pipsqueak should never mess with a spicy Brooklyn Italian Scientologist. If Seacrest goes missing this week -- now you know why.

Debra Messing - Everybody wave goodbye to the nice redheaded lady.

Amy Poehler - Doing her best Sharon Stone impersonation ever!

Chandra Wilson - Seat filler? No, just another one of those anonymous "Grey's" gals. Can they please wear nametags?!

Cheryl Hines - She needs to Curb Her Enthusiasm for the bedazzler.

Gillian Anderson - We can finally take her picture off the milk cartons. She's surfaced -- although pregnant and wearing a graduation gown. Maybe the truth IS out there.

Geena Davis - It's like staring into Jen Garner's face after 20 years of botched botox.

Harrison Ford - He needs 20 years of botched botox!

Kyra Sedgwick - Even Amtrak doesn’t have a train as long as hers.

Lisa Kudrow - She should have won for "The Comeback." Pure Genius. Rent it and see for yourselves.

Sandra Oh - The role of Mr.T will now be played by Sandra.

Vanessa Minnillo - Ladies and gentlemen representing Flushing, it's Miss Queens 2006.

Portia di Rossi - I see a guest spot on the "L-Word" in her future. If Ellen will let her.

Denis Leary (and his wife) - I swore it was new lesbian super couple Ellen DeGeneres and Ellen Barkin. Strange.

2006 MTV Movie Awards

2006-06-11T13:46:00.000-07:00

2006 MTV Movie Awards

Anyone who gets bored during the Oscars' overlong ceremony should take heed in the fact that not even MTV, the kings of ADD viewing, can produce a (taped) award show and edit any life into two hours. Just be happy you weren't in the audience for the actual (more than two-hour) ceremony.

If you didn't catch them the first time around, don’t worry I'm sure MTV is airing them on a constant loop.

As always, to be added to the distribution email me at lopeyj@yahoo.com.

So without further adieu, here is my unmitigated and uncensored rundown of Thursday night's MTV Movie Awards.

Enjoy!

Jessica Alba - BEAUTIFUL. EXQUISITE. FLAWLESS. I don't think I've ever seen her in anything bad, well, except maybe 'Fantastic Four.'

Brandon Routh – Hanging on to his ‘girlfriend’ Courtney for dear life at arrivals. At a time when celebs with legit significant others won’t show up together, isn’t it queer that he had her present at every red carpet interview. Oh Superman we all know the va-jay-jay is your kryptonite.

Kate Bosworth – presenting with her not-so ambiguously gay duo (Routh and Spacey). Thank god she went back to blonde. Her brunette Lois Lane wig makes her look worse than when original Lois, Margot Kidder, surfaced dazed, confused and toothless in a Glendale, CA backyard in ’96.

Kevin Spacey – I understand why he won’t officially come out –he just doesn't want to jeopardize the box-office on all those hit romantic comedies he’s always cast in.

Christian Bale – He insulted Superman and Joel Schumacher but then went on and on thanking other peeps in his endless acceptance speech. It was as if he was dying and this would be his last chance to say his peace. Note to Bale: it's an MTV Movie Award not an Oscar. It's not even a People's Choice Award! With all the talk of his gaining and losing weight for roles, the most shocking thing was realizing that he still has a British accent.

Amanda Bynes - Or is it lil' Jen Aniston? Only thing is Aniston wishes she had as many hit films as Bynes.

Anna Faris – Or is it old Ashlee Simpson. Poor Anna, she blew all the buzz she got for her role in ‘Lost in Translation’ to become the Steve Guttenberg of 'Scary Movie'. You know what was a really ‘Scary Movie’ – Anna in them bad shorts!

Isla Fisher – After crowning herself the patron saint of bipolar nymphomaniacs in her acceptance speech, expect Isla to receive a rebuttal from Anna Nicole and Tara Reid very shortly.

Colin Farrell – He’s gone to rehab for substance abuse issues, but after Alexander, New World, Ask the Dust, Recruit, Daredevil, and Phone Booth, he needs someone to rehabilitate his sorry ass box-office track record. Good thing he sho iz purrrty.

Jamie Foxx – I blame Ray Charles and Kanye for his incessant need to sing or rap anytime he gets within 3 feet of a microphone. Bring back the funnyman Foxx. On second thought, don’t.

Eva Mendes – GORGEOUS. The question is can the world handle two hot Latinas named Eva? I also just want to say thank you to her and Timberlake. I didn’t think there were any ‘Brokeback’ jokes left to be made, especially since we all know what a riot homosexual love is.

Justin Timberlake – Escaping from Cameron Diaz’s bunker looking as yummy as ever. But I still demand reparations for his hand in the whole SuperBowl/Nipplegate scandal for which he emerged unscathed. And to think, had he and Brits stayed together he would have saved us from ever having to utter the word Federline.

Jake Gyllenhaal - Just as I was beginning to detox from The Gyllenhaal, he and his puppy dog eyes go and make a cool acceptance speech acknowledging how great it is that MTV viewers choose 'Brokeback' for Best Kiss. Sigh!! Now how do we get TRL viewers into Congress?

Jimmy Fallon - His hopes of a Mike Myers-esque film career is looking more and more like Kevin Nealon's TV career. Perhaps its time Jimmy started schmoozing Lorne Michaels again - which would require going over Andy Samberg's dead body.

Chris Daughtry - (singing in the Da Vinci Code parody) - Remember him? He proves that unless you win (or look like Kat McPhee), 'Idol' contestants have the shelf life equivalent of Trader Joe's bread.

Borat aka Sasha Baron Cohen aka Ali G - The long lost immigrant brother of Cosmo Kramer.

Gnarls Barkley - With all the Katie Couric exit mania I completely didn't notice that Al Roker started a band. Now that's 'CRAZY!'

Matt Dillon - Like a fine wine and Madonna, he gets better with age!

Kate Hudson - Reduced to wearing Mariah Carey's hand me downs. Who are her stylists? TheBangar Sisters?

Owen Wilson - In the event that Ellen DeGeneres cannot fulfill her TV hosting duties, Owen Wilson will become America's favorite lesbian talk show host. Sorry Rosie. (and Oprah).

Hayden Christiensen - I see he didn't get the Brandon Routh arrival rules memo.

Famke Janssen - She looked hot and not like her typical EX-MAN self. Somehow she pulled off that dress despite it being from the Boca Raton Cruise Collection.

Rebecca Romijn- With the cancellation of 'Pepper Dennis' you can officially lay the term 'star of the WB' next to the Concorde, the Betamax and Clear Pepsi. The question is, how long before she's hosting a modeling reality show?

Adam Sandler - I understand why he plays retarded in movies, now why do you do it in real life and go to his movies - 'Wedding Singer' not included.

Kate Beckinsale - Van Helsing, Underworld, Underworld 2, Pearl Harbor, Brokedown Palace. Poor Katie just can't seem to 'Click'.

Christina Aguilera - Mariah's comeback torch has been passed. Hey Britney, did you know that in the 80s everyone thought Cyndi Lauper was going to be the one with the long career and Madonna was the flash in the pan. History is repeating itself, although, this time the one with the better voice wins. Xtina proves that, next to Britney, all you have to do to be considered classy is wear shoes.

Will Ferrell - Lo siento 'Talladega Nights' but I'm gay and if Nicole Kidman couldn't get me to see one of Ferrell's movies, nothing will.

John C. Reilly - John, save yourself and run, don't walk back to the nearest indie-film.

Steve Carell - The anti-Ferrell. His movies I will see. Oh wait, that's cause they're funny.

LL Cool J - I can tell you one thing, not only the Ladies Love Cool J.

Spike Lee - Or was it The Count from Sesame Street?

Keanu Reeves - After years of defying space, time and acting coaches everywhere, it seems that Keanu is finally aging and at record 'Speed'.

Sandra Bullock - Returning from her Oscar snub in 'Crash', Sandy Buttocks is back to her old romantic comedy ways. Now I know 'The Lake House' isn't an intentional comedy but c'mon! A movie about a mystical mailbox - that's funny. Now, if only Will Ferrell was in it we'd be in business. If you ask me her dress was more appropriate for a ritualistic virginal sacrifice than for attending an insignificant award show.

Vince Vaughn (via satellite) - While 'The Break-Up' debuted at #1, it's no Shiloh Nouvel but I guess it'll just have to do. I hope Vince realizes that there's no way in hell Jen is ever going to let him make a romantic comedy again (unless she's in it too). Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure she learned her lesson the last time one of her significant others (who shall remain nameless) co-starred with a hot actress (who shall also remain nameless.)

Jessica Simpson - Was that her dress or a wall covering from Chi Chi's? There's a lot of pressure on Jess because if Nick Lachey's album can debut at the top of the charts then hers better cure cancer or something. First she played Daisy Duke and now she's taking over the role of Pam Ewing in the Dallas movie. With a Puerto Rican Sue Ellen already cast and now a blonde stepping into Victoria Principal's Eurasian shoes, it makes perfect sense then if they cast Dakota Fanning as Miss Ellie.

Dane Cook - What's the quickest way to lose all of your indie cred/cult status? Co-star in a movie with Jessica Simpson. Future graduate of the Jim Carrey School for Over the Top Award Show Performances.

AFI - Lace gloves, a black bi-level bob and eye makeup that rivals Cleopatra. If it wasn't for the lead singer's tatted up arms I swear I was watching footage from Minnelli's 'Liza with a Z.' Can we please put an end to all these poser Marilyn Manson-lite/80s goth wannabes?! That's right I'm talking to you Pete Wentz (Fall Out Boy)!

Suchin Pak - The MTV VJ sports burgundy chunks in her hair, which is the female equivalent of Carson Daly's 'Hey I'm 30 but am still cool cause I wear black nail polish' mantra.

Rhianna - or was it BeYOUNGce'?

Rosario Dawson - presenting Most Frightened Performance, which she should have won for 'Rent'.

Jennifer Carpenter - the winner of Most Frightened Performance for 'The Exorcism of Emily Rose.' I think it's awesome that she was able to get her shift covered to come to the show.

Jim Carrey - Looks like someone has the same hair stylist as Clay Aiken.

Zach Braff - presenting the award for Best Student Filmmaker. The winner now has his choice of working on such stellar MTV cinematic gems as Tiara Girls, 8th and Ocean or My Super Sweet 16.

Samuel L. Jackson - So does Jackson still buys his kangol caps or do they just ship him free ones constantly? Expectations are high, but 'Snakes on a Plane' better be 'Showgirls' good.

FIN

To be added to the distribution list email me at lopeyj@yahoo.com

WAR OF THE WOMBS!

2006-04-18T16:51:00.000-07:00

L.RON HUBBARD LOVES YOUR AFTER-BIRTH!

Brooke Shields emerged victorious today in the latest round in the Cruise-Shields Hollywood death match. Brooke gave birth to daughter, Grier Hammond, just hours before Tom Cruise’s opposite-sex lover, Katie Holmes, spawned her own baby thetan, Suri.

Last year Brooke and Tom showed no ‘Endless Love’ for each other when they traded barbs in the media over Shields’ use of psychiatric drugs after the birth of her first child. As the baby hype begins to settle, here’s hoping fans of both stars avoid any post-partum depression of their own.

THE 48 YEAR-OLD VAGINA

2006-04-11T15:57:00.000-07:00

BASIC INSTINCT 2

Tackier than "Glitter" but not as horrendously gorgeous as "Showgirls", "Basic Instinct 2", now set in England, still delivers more bloody camp than an ax wielding Jason.

Where "Basic Instinct" was a fun ride, the sequel is an out of control laugh riot. But fear not you purists, every over-the-top moment you enjoyed about the original has been re-done, re-worked and re-engineered into the sequel, much like Sharon Stone herself. Interrogation scene. Check. Car chase. Check. Techno club scene. Check. Ambiguous lesbian relationship. Check. In fact the only thing you won't see again are Sharon's vadge and Michael Douglas' ass. Maybe God does work in mysterious ways. The ice pick is back too, but just for a cameo. Sadly it could have been put to better use to chip away a facial expression on Miss Sharon's botox riddled STONE face!

Featuring classic lines like: "Even Oedipus didn't see his mother coming" and approximately 77 references to making Sharon's character Catherine Tramell come, the BI2 screenplay has more in common with Mad Libs than anything WGA registered. So regardless what Rob Schneider and "The Benchwarmers" say, run, don't walk (because it won't be in theaters much longer) to see the real # 1 comedy in America, "Basic Instinct 2".

P.S. Note to Charlotte Rampling: FIRE YOUR AGENT!

A night at ILLUSIONS

2006-04-02T19:13:00.000-07:00

Ladies with an attitude, fellas that were in the mood.

Trannies are hot right now. From Felicity Huffman's award winning turn in TransAmerica, to LOGO's documentary series Transgeneration to the popularity of stars like Janice Dickinson and Nicollette Sheridan, transgenders are the new Hispanics.

Now I love a fabulous drag queen-who doesn't? But I have to admit, unlike Eddie Murphy, I haven't been exposed to many real live pre or post-op transsexuals in my life.
Recently this all changed when my friend, Greg, and I decided to do something different and check out the local trannie night, Illusions, at Club 7969 in West Hollywood.

We paid our $10 cover and fastened our tool belts. A lip sync show was going on stage. Miss Viva was celebrating her 13th birthday-- since becoming a woman. A birthday cake was brought out as Chardonnay serenaded her with Miss Celie's Blues from "The Color Purple". I scanned the room and saw many who could pass for Whoopi Goldberg.

The bar was packed. It looked as if everyone from your local DMV had decided to audition for La Cage Aux Folles. I ordered two Coronas and was immediately groped by the patron saint of Easter Island. I guess in an ambiguous environment like this being forward is how you differentiate the men from the, eh, boys.

I recognized one of the "girls" from my days working at Hollywood Center Studios, which is located at Highland and Santa Monica Blvd a k a trannie hooker ground zero. She was a Trans-AM. A trans-AM is what I call the few man-ladies of the night that were still up and walking the streets in the morning as I pulled into the lot everyday. The club was filled with them. I nonchalantly moved my wallet to my front pocket.

Once the performances ended, everyone took to the dance floor. This is when the show really started. These gals were working it out, dancing on the pole, exposing themselves, emptying water bottles on their flame-retardant breasts. They did anything and everything to get attention. I sat dumbfounded and in awe. It was strange to see women acting so sexually aggressive in such a public setting. Then I remembered that a) they were (and some still are) originally men and b) a good percentage of them were prostitutes. You could tell which ones were not selling their wares. They were the ones not making passes but just trying to pass. They looked more like Pam Dawber than Pam Anderson. They weren't trying to be Beyonce, just themselves.

The most shocking moment of the night had nothing to do with the trannies. It was the men who loved them. They looked like your Uncle Joe in Ohio or the Adelphia cable guy. Some were even hot. One looked like Jesse Metcalfe but hairier. He was all over this one trannie that looked more plastic than anything Mattel ever put out. I didn't get him. He could have any woman or man he desired, but he wanted more, or was it less, than either could offer. I had tons of questions. Did he like pre or post-op? Was he gay or straight? Seriously repressed or just more evolved? I would never get the answers.

These were just regular guys with regular jobs that went back to their regular homes in Van Nuys or Torrance after a night of chasing anatomically correct and incorrect Barbies in West Hollywood. I don't know what I thought these men would look like. I guess it was my own trans-phobia that just assumed they would look weird. They didn't.

Before we knew it they announced last call. Greg and I decided to leave before the sidewalk sale began. On the way home we stopped at Burger King. As I sat in the parking lot eating my Whopper and listening to the radio, I never felt so normal.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

2006-03-15T10:41:00.000-08:00

"Senator, when you took your oath of office, you
placed your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the
Constitution. You didn't place your hand on the
Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible."

-Jamie Raskin,Law Professor at American University,
testifying Wednesday, March 1, 2006 before the
Maryland Senate Judicial Proceedings Committee in
response to a question from Republican Senator Nancy
Jacobs about whether marriage discrimination against
gay people is required by "God's Law."

ANNIE GET YOUR GUN!

2006-03-11T15:56:00.000-08:00

Hell hath no fury like an Oscar nomination scorned! Annie Proulx gets Jack Nasty on the Academy, CRASH and Scientology. LOVE IT!

BLACK.WHITE. and grey all over!

2006-03-09T22:48:00.000-08:00

The new FX series Black.White. chronicles what happens when a white and black family switch races through the magic of Hollywood hair and makeup. The white family appears somewhat passable as black. The black family on the other hand looks about as believable as Tyra Banks did in the fat suit. What I want to know is who are these people in Los Angeles interacting with the newly white family and not calling them out on their ridiculous get ups. We can put a man on the moon but we still can't make a realistic looking wig?!
If you always wondered what the world would have looked like if Michael Jackson and Macauly Culkin had been able to procreate then tune in to FX Wednesdays at 10pm.