2008 Oscars

Things learned watching the 80^th Academy Awards:

1. With attendees like Patrick Dempsey, Katherine Heigl and the cast of “Dancing with the Stars,” (thanks ABC) the Oscars have officially become the new Emmys.

2. If you are an attending A-lister and are not nominated don’t dare do the red carpet. Nicole, Hanks and Denzel won’t be mingling next to the likes of The Rock, Gary Busey and Miley Cyrus!

3. It’s harder for a woman to become president than get a directing nomination.

4. Just because you win an Oscar for Best Makeup – doesn’t mean you can do your own. Someone get that poor lady some new lashes – or an unlazy eye!

5. Red is officially over. How pissed would you be had you showed up in a red gown?!

6. Tilda Swinton is simultaneously insane, scary and weird – but still secretly fabulous.

7. If you want to make the Oscars seem even more superficial and frivolous – have U.S. soldiers fighting in Iraq present an award via satellite to a room full of people in Harry Winston jewels and couture gowns.

8. Regis Philbin is the male Joan Rivers. For comedic effect, every red carpet should have a resident geriatric chatting up teen stars, foreigners and the elderly.

9. Cancel the Vanity Fair party and the A-listers stay home.

Where are the movie stars??! The red carpet was seriously lacking the usual cluster-fuck of high wattage A-listers that the Oscars are known for. With no Julia, Brad, Angelina, J.Lo, Uma, Drew, Kate, Matthew, Jake, CZJ, Will, Reese, Ryan, Keanu, Sandra, Hugh, Halle, Charlize, Gwyneth, Salma etc… we were left to yawn over Felicity and the guys in “Knocked Up.” For the love of Xenu, I would have even settled for a Katie Holmes sighting.

This year’s nominees had the excitement level of a dentist’s appointment and the outfits were no exception. Where’s Cher, Bjork and Sally Kirkland when you need them. All I can say is thank God for Tilda Swinton!

For your consideration … my Oscar recap.

-Johnny Lopez

Jennifer Garner – After surviving the Gary ‘alcohol’ aBusey incident, she looked nothing like she usually does – she looked amazing -- dare I say hot. Has she hired J.Lo’s hair and makeup peeps?

Ben Affleck – Your wife almost gets raped on the red carpet and your brother is nominated but you chose to spend it on Jimmy Kimmel pimping out your not-as-funny rebuttal to “I’m Fucking Matt Damon.” I hate to admit it, but “Gone Baby Gone” makes me think he may have actually written “Good Will Hunting” after all. There is life after “Gigli”!

Jon Stewart – Letting the Irish singer from “Once” come back out to speak was just about the coolest thing anyone has ever done at the Oscars.

George Clooney – There are no words. Perfection. Better than Cary Grant, even. I wasn’t aware that he was “dating” Nikki Cox! Next to Maddox, Zahara and Pax Jolie-Pitt, Sarah Larson is the luckiest person in the world. Now she just needs to stop wearing bathroom wallpaper.

Anne Hathaway – The first red dress to hit the Kodak stage. Can she be any whiter?

Katherine Heigl – Red dress part deux. A winner for getting to go to the Oscars, but a loser for having to follow Anne’s red dress. I know she’s like the new heir to the Meg Ryan/Sandra Bullock romantic comedy throne but to me she’s more like Sarah Michelle Gellar – a television actress.

Amy Adams – How did the star of a movie with three Best Song noms get to perform the number with absolutely no production values and a bad Talbots dress?! Kristin Chenoweth better watch her back!

Kimora Lee Simmons – When did she become Imelda Marcos?

Heidi Klum – Disney Princess chic.

The Rock – Wrestlers at the Oscars? I can’t wait until next year when Joanie Chyna Doll Laurer presents Best Picture! Yeah, I know he’s been in films, but it’s the Oscars. You should have to be in at least one good one.

Cate Blanchett – I’m gonna be nice to the pregnant lady – but her stylist wasn’t.

Johnny Depp – The most normal tux he’s ever worn. What gives?

Vanessa Paradis – I thought Marion Cotillard played Edith Piaf? Don’t let her fool you, underneath those blood red lips are black gums!

Jennifer Hudson – Not as bad as last year’s NASA bolero jacket, but can someone please remove the infant in swaddling clothes from the top of her dress. You know how you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day, Jen should listen to that rule – always!

Javier Bardem – Can someone please tell Javi that, yes, I will accept his marriage proposal? His speech to his mom sealed it! No straight man brings his mom to the Oscars and dates Penelope Cruz. It’s not humanly possible.

Keri Russell – Dear Sally, I don’t know how it happened, but I’m at the Oscars! Gonna look for Ben and Noel. Talk soon, Felicity!

Owen Wilson – Admit it, you were trying to catch a glimpse of his wrists.

Tilda Swinton – Eric Stoltz looks so different. By fall everyone will be wearing one-arm goth muumuus. Seriously, I don’t think ABS is rushing to knock-off her Lanvin shift. She’s such a strange bird, but I love it. Only she can pull off a “Wall St.” Charlie Sheen hairdo. Sorry Renee!

Ruby Dee – She is gonna cut the other sleeve of Tilda’s gown for stealing her Oscar!

Saoirse Ronan (annoying girl from “Atonement”) – This year’s recipient of the Keisha Castle-Hughes Memorial Award for Tween Nominees Who Will Fade Away into Obscurity

Jessica Alba – “Fantastic Four,” “Honey,” “Into the Blue,” “Good Luck Chuck,” “The Eye,” “Awake.” Yeah, it makes total sense that she should present at the Academy Awards.

Miley Cyrus – In yet another little red mess. She should have gone as Hannah Montana -- at least then she would have looked more like a teenager. Like Lindsay and Hillary Duff before her, how does Disney turn all these middle-aged teenagers into stars?!

The Uma/Oprah Memorial Joke Failure Award goes to the guys from “Knocked Up” for that endless Halle Berry/ Judi Dench tirade.

Wesley Snipes – That purple suit is perfect, if your job is holding Diddy’s umbrella.

Ellen Page – What was with the Kathy Bates dress? Doesn’t American Apparel sell hipster dresses for slightly butchy gals? Even Jodie Foster knows how to rock a gown and heels. Juno should have aborted this look.

Marion Cotillard – Gorgeous. Yet another pretty Oscar winner. Her Oscar win assures her at least one Matthew McConaughey romantic “comedy.” Somewhere in a Paris café, Audrey Tatou is drunk and digging pins into a doll in her likeness.

Colin Farrell – A tan – and rehab – does a body good. Lawd have mercy. He looks great. He so fucked Marion Cotillard last night!

Jack Nicholson – He’s 70 years-old, so unless he has cataracts, please take the shades off. He so fucked Marion Cotillard last night.

Renee Zellweger – She and Philip Seymour Hoffman have the same hairstylist.

Nicole Kidman – Is she no longer pregnant?!Say what you will about the Porcelain Queen but everyone copies Nic’s style. She was the only one in red last year. And after she wore chandelier earrings a few years back, everyone started to. Next year, everyone will be sporting blinged out barbed wired around their necks. Trust.

The old guy who got the honorary Oscar that Nicole helped onto the stage – the lone person older than Harrison Ford – I think. I swear he just thanked Adam & Eve!

Penelope Cruz – following Nicole Kidman on the stage – nice touch. How the hell did Penny escape from Tom? She’s no Scientoloca. The woman may just be the Messiah!

Patrick Dempsey – There’s good hair and then there’s …

John Travolta – He gets what’s left of his hair styled by Krylon. Only your hair auditor will know the difference.

Kelly Preston – Despite zero roles, being married to John makes her the hardest working actress in Hollywood. Have they let son Jett out of the attic yet?

Faye Dunaway – The crazy ol’ bat is gonna pimp out her hot son until somebody puts him in a movie.

Jane Russell – Gentlemen Prefer Grays. Older actresses should not be forced to emulate Dorothy Zbornak.

Cameron Diaz – The highest paid actress in Hollywood – but you wouldn’t know it from her fresh from hiking in Runyon Canyon hair.

Hilary Swank – Two Oscars and she gets to intro the death reel? Lady Seabiscuit just can’t get no love.

Tom Hanks – Two Oscars and he gets to intro the awkward soldiers in Iraq segment? His Royal Hankness can’t get no love.

Soldiers in Iraq – Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell but you just awarded an Oscar to a documentary about gay marriage.

Harrison Ford – If the 65-year-old is still allowed to play Indiana Jones, then Diane Keaton should play Wonder Woman.

Calista Flockhart – She was at the Oscars, but her hair was at UCLA studying for finals. She is slowly botoxing herself into Mary Tyler Moore.

Diablo Cody – The whole stripper turned blogger turner screenwriter PR spin is getting on my last indie nerve. Honest to blog! The patron saint of every American Apparel emo girl from Williamsburg to Echo Park.

Helen Mirren – The only thing more impressive than her body of work – her body! She’s SIXTY TWO and looks amazing. Don’t be fooled America. If you use Botox, Restylane or Silicone, the only person you are kidding is yourself! Just look at Joan Van Ark, Jackie Stallone, Carrot Top, Wayne Newton …

Daniel Day Lewis – Nothing says amazing actor – like a pair of hoop earrings! Looks like he’s been drinking RuPaul’s milkshake.

Rebecca Miller (Daniel’s wife) – There will be blood –for dressing like a 19^th century saloon waitress.

The Coen Brothers – it’s the guys from “Knocked Up” in 30 years – and 30 less pounds.

Denzel Washington – I love that he showed up to the Kodak, presented Best Picture and was home in probably 30 minutes -- which is about the most anyone should have to endure of the Oscars.

Scott Rudin –Thanking his partner in his speech for winning Best Picture – No country for homophobic men – unless you’re closeted client is an A-list actor.