I am a television, web and magazine writer based in Los Angeles.

Monday, September 24, 2012

2012 Emmys

Things learned watching the 2012 Emmys:

1. Julianne Moore can do a lot of things, but no one (I’m talking to you Danes & Bowen) can pull off that neon yellow/green bile color. Especially without a golden tan.
2. “Homeland” cannot win enough awards to redeem Showtime from the human stain on their schedule that is “Gigolos .”
3. Kerry Washington has a lisp. Who knew?
4. I don’t want to live in a world where Kristen Wiig will never receive an Emmy for SNL.
5. Thanks to her Snooki poof on steroids hair don't, Ashley Judd can rest assured her cheeks are no longer the biggest and puffiest thing about her.
6. Fans of CBS sitcoms are a lot like Scientologists, you know they are out there but no one has actually met one.
7. When Damien Lewis goes missing, Jon Hamm and Michael C. Hall should be the first to be questioned.
8. The camera loves Lena Dunham … when the hot guy on “Revenge” is sitting directly behind her.
9. “American Horror Story” is a mini-series.

Without movie stars or musicians, the Emmys are generally the most boring of award shows and this year was no different. Thank God for DVRs.

Hope you enjoy these musings more than Josh Groban covering One Direction during an In Memoriam skit. Tweet me: @thejohnnylopez

Jimmy Kimmel – The best he’s ever looked. He’s chosen sides and is Team Camille.

Amy Poehler – Parks and Wrecked marriage but she looks amazing. But don’t tell me she traded Will Arnett for Louis CK!

Eric Stonestreet – Straight guys play gay and get awards. Gay guys play straight and get Scientolowives.

Zooey Deschanel – She really needs to stop dressing like a white extra in “The Help.”

Jon Cryer – I hate being reminded that Duckie is on “Two and Half Men.”

Christina Hendricks – “Mad Men” went home empty handed but Christina’s husband sure didn’t.

Kat Dennings – Heir to the Christina Hendricks Cleavage Throne.

Modern Family – The Lily skit was the funniest thing of the night. Every skit needs Ken Jeong in half drag. No for real.

Julie Bowen – Never mind the award or that neon dress, who is her hot husband?

Sofia Vergara – She can make anything look good – even neon yellow/green bile gowns – but her dress last night was about ten years too soon for “Dancing with the Stars.”

Melissa McCarthy – Oh yeah, she’s on that Mike & Molly CBS sitcom thing. I totally forgot.

Amazing Race – Sorry but I think the toughest reality competition show is “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” … because I challenge you to try and sit through an entire episode. I couldn’t.

Lena Dunham – For anyone that’s ever wanted to see Justin Bieber in a dress – mission accomplished.

Julia Louis Dreyfus – 3 sitcoms, 3 Emmys. But don’t you dare bring up “Watching Ellie.”

Tom Berenger – TV’s Mickey Rourke – melted face and all.

Claire Danes – From angst ridden teen to autistic animal doctor to bipolar CIA Agent, Claire can do no wrong … as a TELEVISION actress. Holla.

Tracy Morgan – Flatline, indeed.

Connie Britton – Her hair and dress were an American Horror Story.

Jeremy Davies – His hair and demeanor brought to you by Meth.

Juliana Margulies – “Good Wife”, bad dress. It’s curtains for Julie … shower curtains.

Jessica Lange -- Love huh! She walked that stage like it was no big whoop. I just want her to drink gin and tell me stories.

Ellen DeGeneres – And that my friends is the closest we’ll ever get to seeing Miss Ellie in a skirt.

Portia di Rossi – Rockin’ a burlap pantsuit? Oh you silly little lipstick lesbian, you.

In Memoriam skit – Never forget.

Julianne Moore – If that dress were chambray she’d win an Emmy for playing a sister wife. You betcha.

Ashley Judd – The only thing that has gone Missing is her hair stylist.

Ginnifer Goodwin – Any thinner and David E. Kelley will hire her.

Kevin Costner – Dances with Self-Tanner.

Nicole Kidman – Nicole at the Emmys is slowly preparing us for the inevitable bizarro end of world shit coming this spring … Nicole Kidman in the “American Idol” audience.


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