2008 Emmys

Things I Learned from Watching the 2008 Emmy Awards

 

1. Only shoot Oprah from the breasts up.
2. Look how many reality show hosts it takes to bore me! Leave the comedy to the professionals.
3. With no A-list celebs (aka film stars) or musical performances of note (sorry Josh Groban), the Emmys are only slightly less thrilling than CSPAN, but still better than the new “90210.”
4. You know it’s a bad sign when you’re honestly looking forward to the “In Memoriam” segment. Who’d they miss?
5. Tina Fey is so awesome, I may have to vote for McCain just make sure she shows up on SNL for the next 4 years.
6. Josh Groban is to the Emmys what Rob Lowe and Snow White are to the Oscars.
7. With so many networks, airing so many shows that no one is watching, a lot of the TV stars are about as recognizable as going to somebody else’s high school reunion. Did you have Sister Phyllis? “Saving Grace” who? “House” what?!
8. I haven’t seen even a single episode, but I am already so over the “Mad Men” hype!
9. “The Ghost Whisperer” is still on the air.
10. The Emmys are 60, time for early retirement. RIP.

 

Okay, I know you’re supposed to bitch about awards shows and say they were so boring and lasted forever etc., but that was seriously the most uneventful and least exciting awards show since Art and I sat through the Lauren Holly-hosted L.A. Fashion Awards a few years ago. No joke.  And barring the People’s Choice, I’ll watch just about any awards show – you know it was bad.

 

As always feel free to send me your feedback or comments.

 

-Johnny

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

johnnylopez.com

 

Oprah – It’s the great pumpkin, Oprah Winfrey. O may remember her spirit, but she forgot about the spanks!

 

Ryan Seacrest, Tom Bergeron, Howie Mandel, Heidi Klum, Jeff Probst – A midget, a dud, a loon, a sexy cheeseball and a missing tie. There’s nothing like a dead skit and the objectification of women to start a show.

 

Tina Fey – All hail the Queen of Comedy. Sarah Palin has done some good – by giving Tina and “30 Rock” some amazing press.

 

Amy Poehler – With apologies to Jean Smart, Amy was robbed! No one deserves a comedy Emmy more.

 

Jeremy Piven – His hair weaver deserves an award too.

 

Julia Louis Dreyfus – The Seinfeld curse lives! What was worse: her Palin ‘do or the Pepto aBismol gown?

 

Jean Smart – Nothing against her. I actually really like her, but please return what is rightfully Amy Poehler’s. And someone get the name of her Botoxologist.

 

The Desperate Housewives – From Dana Delany’s disco dress, Marcia Cross’ awkward length Cinderella gown, Teri Hatcher’s yellow scare, Eva Longoria’s unflattering bowed flapper smock and Nicollette Sheridan’s purple monstrosity, the ladies of Wisteria Lane looked like they rummaged through the Project Runway reject pile. So that’s what Suede has been up to! But Felicity Huffman’s hair looked fab … for a Trans.

 

Ricky Gervais – I can’t believe he saw “Evan Almighty.”

 

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Is no one going to tell her there’s a dead cocker spaniel on her head?

 

Tommy Smothers – If I had been listening, I’d ask him to say his speech again, but this time in English.

 

Josh Groban – In lieu of flowers, please send all donations to the Josh Groban Career Reparations Fund, c/o Reprise Records.

 

Ed McMahon – The Emmys do their part to help the homeless.

 

Alec Baldwin – Praising Tina proves there’s only one thoughtless little pig in the Baldwin fam.

 

Laura Linney – She couldn’t have tried any harder to look more washed out. No lipstick, really?

 

The Laugh-In mess – The smartest thing Goldie Hawn has ever done is not turning up for this sad “tribute.”

 

David Boreanaz  – One minute you’re presenting w/ LC, the next you’re part of a three-episode story arc w/Audrina and Lo.

 

Lauren Conrad – I had as much to do with the dress LC “designed” as she did!

 

Christian Slater – Please take your seat next to Kyra Sedgwick, Holly Hunter, Glenn Close, Laurence Fishburne and the rest of the former film actors resurrected as TV stars.

 

Laurence Fishburne –  And Laurence will show you how to get there. A red tux jacket just screams: Let me show you to your seat, ma’am. I saw Laurence Fisburne at the Nokia Theater – working!

 

William Petersen – Tuxedo compliments of “CSI: A Night at the Roxbury”

 

Kathy Griffin – Don’t know who designed the dress, but her wig was by Ariel’s Little Mermaid Collection.

 

Don Rickles – What does it mean when the funniest man in the theater reeks of formaldehyde?

 

Kate Walsh – Whose idea was it to give the most nondescript actress her own show? Did we learn nothing from Ellen Pompeo??

 

Cynthia Nixon – She’s talented, funny and happy. So who cares if she’s dating a woman who looks like Danny Partridge?

 

Glenn Close, Kyra Sedgwick, Holly Hunter, et al – As far as cable TV is concerned, The Change is good. Now if they could only do something about the hot flashes.

 

Vanessa Williams – Did her pen explode in the limo?

 

America Ferrara – In Wednesday Addams’ prom dress circa 1987. Where’s the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants when you need them?

 

Brooke Shields – Stunning. Brills. Gorge.

 

Jimmy Kimmel – Ouch! Breaking up is hard to do. His face was an even bigger mess than the reality hosts’ monologue.

 

Mary Tyler Moore – Why did she feel the need to flash her Perdue chicken bone arms. Nauseous.

 

Betty White – Thou shalt not say anything bad about a Golden Girl. Best sitcom EVER.

 

Tom Selleck – 30 years later and he’s still rockin’ the Folsom Street porn stache – that’s not a trend, it’s a fetish.

 

30 Rock – The funniest scripted show on TV next to “The Hills.”

 

Mad Men – Now will you watch? Didn’t think so.