2008 American Music Awards -- 11/24/08

Things learned from watching the 2008 AMAs

1. No one actually gets an award at these things. That’s for the end credits, silly.
2. Like the GOP, the VMAs have a lot of strategizing to do for next year. They got served!
3. Pink should perform with everyone.
4. Peeps should be less concerned with their kids being taught about gay marriage in schools (it’s coming y’all) and more worried with the usual onslaught of pole dancing lessons from the Pussycat Dolls.
5. There are no commercially viable rock acts. And adult contemporary artists like Coldplay don’t count.
6. ‘80s prom dresses have taken over the red carpet. Molly Ringwald is a genius!
7. The AMAs are voted on by fans, which means they are worth about as much as Lehman Bros. stock.

The AMAs had the best lineup they’ve ever had and finally realized that no one wants to see 3 Doors Down, Rascal Flats or Bebe Winans perform on primetime TV. Amen.

Feel free to send me your thoughts and critiques.

Until the Golden Globes in two months!

Xoxo

Johnny Lopez

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

 

Christina Aguilera – Not loving the hair. It looked half-done. Almost thought it was Victoria Jackson doing an SNL sketch. Ah, the ever classic song medley but I can’t think of anything I want to buy less than a Christina Aguilera greatest hits. Does anyone really want to hear “What a Girl Wants” again? Maybe in 10 years, when Brooklyn hipsters are discovering the teen pop craze of the turn of the century.

Rihanna – Complete and total dress failure. Sweetie, it’s called a cocktail dress not a cocktail napkin. Disturbia, indeed. Trend failure alert: bedazzled eye patch. Arrggh! And why is she borrowing Prince’s Linda Dano weave?! Y’all know “Pon de Replay” was supposed to be a one-hit wonder. At least that’s what Beyonce was told.

New Kids on the Block – The only thing scarier than Donny Wahlberg in the “Saw” films is Donny Wahlberg singing and dancing on stage. Jonas Brothers got the biggest cheers from the kids, NKOTB from their moms. Backstreet Boys should try their comeback again in 10 years – see Xtina/Brooklyn hipsters.

Paris Hilton – Seeing her slinking on stage after her self-imposed prison sentence in Madden-ville with her ex-borefriend brings flashbacks to 2006 -- when Lindsay was straight, Britney was crazy and the only thing Nicole Richie could birth was a hangover.

Scott Weiland – Stoned Temple Pilot. Don’t know if he is, but his look will sober anyone up in no time.

Pink – The faux-dyke can sang! Give it! I’m glad she’s embracing her inner-Lipstick and wearing gowns and getting her hair did. Although they sounded awesome together, someone please stop her and Sarah Mclachlan before a new Lilith Fair is launched.

David Cook – Are "American Idols" allowed to wear Kathy Bates’ hairdo with guyliner. 

Taylor Swift – Imagine that, Taylor Swift in a glitter gown. Who would’ve thunk it? She’s about an album away from an unwed pregnancy. Was she in “The Dark Crystal?”

Rascal Flatts – I love an all lesbian band.

Ne-Yo – If I see one more fedora on a singer, I’m a gonna kill Justin Timberlake.

Kanye West – For someone who thinks he’s so smart, he sho doesn’t get why everyone hates a pompous asshole. It’s ok to wannabe the next Elvis, you just can’t say it out loud.

Jesse McCartney – He looks like a cross between a young Leo DiCaprio and a young Rachel Maddow.

Leona Lewis – Carrie Bradshaw got spray tanned!  Does the world really need a British Mariah?

Billy Ray Cyrus – Shave the goatee (and add a mustache) and you got Kelly Clarkson. The frightening thing is that Miley was just being conceived when I was tuning out “Achy Breaky Heart” in 1992!

Miley Cyrus – People keep saying, “Oh, she’s just acting her age.” And I’m thinking, since when do 43-year-olds run around a stage like that?!

David Archuleta – lawn gnome.

Kenny Chesney – The only singer with a bigger beard than ZZ Top, only his is Kimberly Williams.

Coldplay – Between the pianos, confetti and smoke, I was expecting Liberace to rise up from the grave.

Richie Sambora and Colbie Caillat – or Robert Evans and Jen Aniston?

Alicia Keys – Trend failure alert #2: Indian forehead jewelry. I thought we did away with that back in ’97 with Gwen Stefani. Alicia mentioned on the red carpet she was excited to see Natalie Imbruglia perform. A.) It’s not 1998 B.) Natalie was not there or scheduled to perform. C.) She must have meant Natasha Bedinfield. All them foreign Caucasian popstars look the same, anyway.

Mariah Carey – You get some special award for being your crazy-self and having tons of hits – but they won’t let you make an acceptance speech. Sorry Kanye, looks like Mariah already is the new Elvis.

Nick Cannon – He got a job ... helping Mimi down the stairs.

Nick Lachey – Does presenting count as a job?!

Daughtry – The male Pussycat Dolls – name one member besides the singer. The one person Chris forgot to thank … his beard trimmer.

Kate Walsh – Is about as lost at this show, as “Private Practice” is in the ratings.

Jordin Sparks – Take a good look at the Nokia Theater, Jordy. You’re gonna be working here some day – at concessions.

Enrique Iglesias – Chico got a new weave! How did he get younger?

Ashley Tisdale – What a nose job couldn’t do, a bottle of hair dye can. Ashley has successfully rendered herself unrecognizable. Somewhere Jennifer Grey is smiling.  Is that Robin from “General Hospital?”

The Jonas Bros –  America’s favorite evangelical Christian dandy boy band may be have a scandal on their hands. One looks Jewish, one looks Latin and the third just looks confused. Mama Jonas has some explaining to do!

The Dream – Now which member of Fat Albert’s gang was he again?

Beyonce – Sasha Fierce is one mean drag queen. The real star of the performance was her ponytail! Loves it. Was that Traci Lords doing backup dancing?! Trend Failure Alert #3: Metallic finger. At least she realized the Freddy Kruger glove was going no where fast.

Pussycat Dolls – Performing immediately following the Jonas Bros. From purity rings to NuvaRing! When I Grow Up … I wanna be a $3 street whore.

St. Justin of Timberlake – How did he become the Tom Hanks of the music biz?

Annie Lennox – No one can compare to Ms. Lennox – despite looking like a de-wigged La Cage Aux Folles extra. Tell me Why.. Someone get her a hat and a pashmina stat!

Natasha Bedinfield – I feel bad for Nat. First for her ill-fitting pant suit at arrivals, but mostly because she will always be known as the chick who sang the song from “The Hills.” And that cannot be  UNWRITTEN.

Motley Crue – After presenting, the band was quickly chauffeured back to their home at the LaBrea Tar Pits.

Sarah McLachlan & Pink – Divorced women never looked – and sounded -- so good. Was that song on Sarah’s first, second, third or fourth CD? Oh what the hell. Like anyone can tell a Mclachlan album apart!

Joe Perry/Steven Tyler – Co-chairs of the South Shore Long Island Linda Richman fan club. Tawks amongst yaselves.

Queen Latifah – She shares the same nearsighted hairstylist as Jar Jar Binks. Now she sang with Alicia Keys. What could those two have in common? Hmmm. I wonder…  No on prop 8!

Latifah/Alicia/Opera chick – that’s all fine and good but the best finale would have been Beyonce Knowles-Carter’s performance. Pull that ponytail, beyatches!