I am a television, web and magazine writer based in Los Angeles.

Monday, February 23, 2009

2009 Oscars

Things learned from watching the 2009 Tonys Oscars:

1. Musicals are back, except on Broadway. RIP Grease, Gypsy, Hairspray, Spamalot, Spring Awakening.

2. With song & dance numbers, Jackman, Beyonce and “Milk”speeches, it was the gayest Oscars since … last year. So sick of hearing “they were so gay.” Um, it’s the Oscars not NASCAR, when were they ever not gay? Get a grip, foolios.

3. “Slumdog’s” 65 wins assure that we have officially outsourced everything to India. Press 3 and a customer service rep will transfer you to an Oscar winner.

4. Getting previous winners to introduce the acting nominees was cool, although I was afraid the losers might get zapped into the Mickey Rourke career black hole by the Board of Elders. Have mercy on us, Eva Marie Saint! Beam me up, Christopher Walken!

5. Peter Gabriel is gonna kill John Legend.

6. Other than Brangelina, Alicia Keys’ $4 Canal Street wig and the “Slumdog” kids, the red carpet was about as fun as watching “Revolutionary Road.” Let everyone do the red carpet next time!

7. Two words: Jai Ho!

8. Hugh Jackman is perfect.

9. Lisa Rinna took Joan Rivers’ red carpet job – and her face. Meow.

10. The only upset was me – because “Slumdog” won so many damn awards. If you thought Mickey was gonna beat Sean then you clearly put too much emphasis on the sham that is the Golden Globes.

For your consideration … my Oscar recap. Send me your comments, thoughts and criticisms; you know I love to hear them.

All the best!

-Johnny Lopez

Hugh Jackman – What in the world would make people suspect that a good looking man with sculpted pecs and abs, that can sing and dance well, loves musicals, has no biological children and is married to a significantly less attractive woman, could possibly be gay?! Now that’s just crazy talk.

Whoopi Goldberg – Seeing her in that leopard print dress was the only thing more ridiculous than the fact she won an Oscar for “Ghost.” She didn’t win for “Color Purple.”

Tilda Swinton – Bird face! Hair by Gordon Gecko. Top by the costume department at Bellevue. What a corporate secretary might wear at a law firm on "Gattaca."

Penelope Cruz – Screw “Slumdog,” “Vicky Christina” was my fave movie of the year. Latest member of the Hollywood pretty female Oscar winner club. Penny now proves the theory; if you get with Tom Cruise and leave before the thetans devour your soul you will get an Oscar. While it worked for Nic, Mimi Rogers is a lost cause – she’s full Scientolocrazy, but there could still be hope for Katie. Run, Suri, run!

Steve Martin & Tina Fey – They better be careful because no one can get away with mocking Scientology. Well, except for Kidman, but it did cost her two adopted children.

Jennifer Aniston – Angie may have Brad, Oscar and the kids, but what does Jen have that Angelina doesn’t? One really stupid braid across her forehead and a great year round tan.

Peter Gabriel – I don’t get him. He won’t sing an edited down version of his nominated song but has no problem going to the Oscars in that Last Samurai tux?!

Dustin Lance Black – He told the gay youth of America what so many don’t have the balls to say. Thank you. The Asian dude may have been funnier, but this was the best speech of the night.

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto – And Styx suddenly jumps to #1 on iTunes, as soon as the kids Google it and find out what it is.

Sarah Jessica Parker – It’s getting severe up in here. Yikes! Between the “Square Pegs” hair and her comedy & tragedy mask bone structure, I barely noticed her tits and the city.

Natalie Portman – Flawless. “Hasidic meth lab.” Gold.

Ben Stiller – Would have been really funny had someone else not done the exact same impersonation the day before at the Independent Spirit Awards. Still funnier than anything “Focker.”

Jessica Biel – Did she lose a bet? How else to explain the “Fact of Life” Jo Polniachek hair and a gown from the slightly irregular section at Linens n Things?

“Pineapple Express” short – a Holocaust comedy? Sold!

Hugh & Beyonce number – Sweet dream or beautiful nightmare? At least it wasn’t boring, right? Beyonce needs to go away for at least a minute. No more performing at award shows, sporting events, inaugurations, Burger King etc … Go take a vacation, get pregnant, go visit Michelle Williams at the Olive Garden. Anything, but just stop. You are more overexposed than a pic of a battered Rihanna.

Zac Efron – Grease is the word.

Vanessa Hudgens – “No, I’m not the chick in ‘Slumdog.’ I swear.”

Dominic Cooper – Mamma Mia! Yum.

Cuba Gooding – The real reason they had him back to the Oscars was so they could repossess his. There is no humanly way possible to make up for “Boat Trip.”

Kevin Klein – He’s contractually bound to let Phoebe Cates out of the house every five years or so. But from the looks of her dress, he hasn’t in about 15.

Javier Bardem – Donde esta, papi?!

Philip Seymour Hoffman – Outfit by the Jay and Silent Bob Fall 1993 Ready to Wear Collection.

Robert Downey Jr – 43 going on 30. Maybe drugs really do do the body good. Playing black don’t crack.

Heath Ledger.

Will Smith – His endless presenting was almost as difficult to get through as “7 Pounds.” Here, give my eyes to Woody Harrelson!

Eddie Murphy – Jerry Lewis is introduced by Eddie. The nutty professor meets the nutty tranny chaser. ‘Memba when Eddie was hysterical ?

Jerry Lewis – Recipient of the Kirk Douglas humanitarian award.

Alicia Keys – Kim from “Real Housewives of Atlanta” is gonna be pissed when she sees Alicia dyed her $7 polyester wig chestnut brown.

John Legend – Peter Gabriel is about to take a sledgehammer to John’s head for agreeing to sing his song.

“Slumdog” songs – I swore that was Eva Longoria or some unaccounted for Kardashian singing. Say it with me, Jai Ho!

Frida Pinto – Gorgeous. Watch as she follows in the steps of Keisha Castle-Hughes or Catalina Sandino Moreno and exits stage left … forever.

Queen Latifah -- The one gig Beyonce turned down. Latifah has been reduced (figuratively speaking of course ) to singing for the dead. RIP.

Reese Witherspoon – Her dress may walk the line between atrocious and abominable, but she still gets to sleep with Jake Gyllenhaal. Jokes on us.

Danny Boyle – Slumdog Morrissey

Sophia Loren – Somewhere between her Italian snarl, giant breasts and arm at the hip pose is some sort of casually orchestrated diva diss aimed directly at Meryl. Arrivederci.

Halle Berry – Quite possibly the most beautiful woman in the world.

Nicole Kidman – acting as elder buddy/praiser/introducer to Angelina Jolie was mindbogglingly bizarre. Like watching mythical deities Aphrodite talk to Eve … in front of you … and on TV.

Marion Cotillard – acting as elder buddy/praiser/introducer to Kate Winslet just didn’t seem right. You know Kate was like ‘I’m about to win my Oscar from this young French chick? Oh bloody hell no!”

Melissa Leo – I swear it was my mom’s sister in Miami. Tia Hortensia, eres tu?!

Brangelina – Bow down, the King and Queen have arrived. I love how they manage to transform the red carpet into a “Mean Girls” high school cafeteria – with everyone else trying to get a morsel of the capt of the football team and head cheerleader. OMG, look over there. It’s Jen Aniston sitting with the band geeks!

Kate Winslet – The Susan Lucci streak is over. Another pretty Oscar winner and she is now the only viable heir to the Meryl Streep throne of peer praise. Still gorgeous despite exhuming Grace Kelly’s waterproof Aqua Net helmet ‘do. Love the dad whistle. She’s the king of the world!

Anthony Hopkins – Can someone please feed him some fava beans and a nice Chianti?!

Adrien Brody – Nope, he was never cute.

Mickey Rourke – He should have won an Oscar … in special effects – for his face! Now that he’s back, before you know it he will be starring in a Kate Hudson romcom … or “Mask 2: Rocky Dennis Lives.”

Robin Wright Penn – She’s got gams for days!! Now if only Sean would let her have a career. Looks like Robin and Phoebe Cates have some chatting to do.

Sean Penn – I really can’t stand that he’s BFFs with Chavez and Castro and spews all that “its not so bad over there” nonsense, but what was there not to love about his performance or speech? Sexy, super masculine, married Madonna and played Harvey Milk perfectly. A hetero male gay icon is born.

Monday, February 09, 2009

2009 Grammys

Things learned from watching the 2009 Grammys:

1. Al Green, Boyz II Men, Paul McCartney, Neil Diamond, Smokey Robinson and Robert Plant successfully turned it into the 2009 GRANNYs.

2. If you attend AND perform at the Grammys while 10 months pregnant and on your due date you can wear whatever the fuck you want.

3. You can win Record and Album of the year with 99% of the public never having heard the song/album before.

4. Music award shows are nothing without some DIVAS, and Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry just don’t cut it. Say what you will about Britney’s talents, but the loon gives good show!

5. We will never truly see a Whitney Houston comeback. She left the building a long, long time ago, people.

6. Believe it or not, Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel are not the same person.

7. Jennifer Hudson is amazing and really lucky … because if she had won “American Idol” she’d probably be performing at state fairs and mall openings with Ruben, Fantasia and Taylor.

8. It’s impossible to tell if U2 comes out with new songs or just repurposes stuff off their last two albums. Was that Vertigo? Beautiful Day?

9. Stevie Wonder needs a new seeing-eye manager.

You know the drill. Read it and weep – and then send me your comments.

-Johnny Lopez

U2 – “Get On Your Boots” and stop remaking the same damn song over and over. Madonna may not be the only 50-year-old pop star jumping around the stage, but at least she doesn’t need Bono’s cataract shades.

Whitney Houston – we now have a drinking problem. The second coming of Jesus is likely to arrive sooner than Whitney’s. Just because you are alive and standing upright does not mean you deserve a standing ovation.

Jennifer Hudson – Has she not suffered enough? Why didn’t her date remove her dinner napkin from Red Lobsters before going up to the podium?!

Justin Timberlake – Kudos for filling in while Chris Brown and Rihanna figure out when to appear on “Jerry Springer.”

Chris Brown & Rihanna – Title of their new duet “No Officer, Everything Is Fine.” Turns out an umbrella really is RiRi’s biggest hit. Ouch!

Boyz II Men – Suddenly it’s 1993 all over again.

Coldplay – In their Rainbow Brite Rhythm Nation uniforms.

Carrie Underwood – With Rihanna no longer being music’s untouchable pop princess, it won’t be long now before an unwanted pregnancy, pill addiction or an allegation of kleptomania surfaces.

LeAnn Rimes – Would it kill her to wash her damaged hair?

Duffy, Adele, Estelle – Please identify yourselves to America.

Adele – Was she going to the Grammys or to a prom in 1962? It’s Betty Crocker chic. She’s going to have a huge career … like former Best New Artist winners Shelby Lynne, Evanescence and Paula Cole.

Kenny Chesney -- DELETE.

Taylor Swift & Miley Cyrus – Does Miley even remember being 15? Wasn’t that over 20 years ago?

Robert Plant – For the love of Steely Dan, WTF is a homeless man Mickey Rourke Robert Plant doing winning record and album of the year. Because when you think back to the music of 2008 the song everyone will remember is Low Bleeding Love Disturbia “Please Read the Letter.” Que?!

Nicole Kidman – Does she even know who Keith Urban is? I still have a hard time believing they are legit or that she even really birthed her own child. This is the same woman who was married to Tom Cruise for ten years and didn’t covert to Scientolocrazy, so you know she’s capable of anything!

Stevie Wonder – He’s lucky in so far as he will never have to see his performance with the Jonas Brothers. My eyes! My eyes! Demi Lovato, your Aretha duet awaits!

Paula Abdul & Lisa Rinna – HAIR WARS! Miss Venezuela contestants circa 1975.

Cyndi Lauper – Marie Antoinette just wants to have fun. Off with her head.

Jonas Brothers – No pomade, fitted suit or duet in the world can make these evangelical Christian dandy boy banders cool. That being said, Joe Jonas … call me!

Blink 182 – ‘Memba them?! I’ll give a dollar to anyone who actually cares that they are getting back together.

Katy Perry – I didn’t like it. It was just like Britney’s infamous VMA/Gimme More debacle but minus the Klonopin haze and rehearsed choreography. Abysmal.

Kanye West – It’s never good when you get upstaged by your Kurtis Blow mullet weave. Yes Yes y’all.

M.I.A.– Loved. Ain’t nobody got swagga like huh! She is officially cooler than everyone! The only thing that could have topped the performance with the Rap Pack was if her water broke. She needs to give birth today so she can sing her “Slumdog” song at the Oscars in 2 weeks.

Dave Grohl – As if I didn’t love him and the Foo Fighters enough, Dave wore a marriage equality white knot at arrivals. Nirvana!

John Mayer – Since he spends all his time “not dating” a plethora of actresses, I almost forgot what it is that made him famous to begin with … his gargantuan head.

The only thing more bloated than Nikki Cox’s lips – her husband Jay Mohr.

Gwyneth Paltrow – Unless she’s rehearsing the Paso Doble, she needs to return that dress thing to Carrie Ann Inaba.

Radiohead – Is it me or does Thom Yorke look like Martin Short’s albino, lazy-eyed Jackie Rogers Jr. character on SNL? Thom may be a whack job but they are genius. That’s what you’re supposed to say, right?

It’s not an award show unless Samuel L. Jackson presents. But I didn’t think he and Morgan Freeman were contractually allowed to appear at the same event.

Smokey Robinson – It’s kind of twisted that Smokey’s doctor butchered his face in such a way that he always looks happy. Oh, the irony.

NeYo – He had something completely different in mind when he was asked to perform with four tops. How you doing?!

Neil Diamond – Welcome to last call at every straight frat/college bar in North America – or as I like to call it … HELL. Bah bah bah!

In Memoriam – Considering the musical lineup, was it this year’s departed or upcoming performers?!

Lil Wayne – It’s ok. You can leave your moms, baby mamas and chillens in their seats when you accept your award. No, really, you can.