2008 Emmys

Things I Learned from Watching the 2008 Emmy Awards

 

1. Only shoot Oprah from the breasts up.
2. Look how many reality show hosts it takes to bore me! Leave the comedy to the professionals.
3. With no A-list celebs (aka film stars) or musical performances of note (sorry Josh Groban), the Emmys are only slightly less thrilling than CSPAN, but still better than the new “90210.”
4. You know it’s a bad sign when you’re honestly looking forward to the “In Memoriam” segment. Who’d they miss?
5. Tina Fey is so awesome, I may have to vote for McCain just make sure she shows up on SNL for the next 4 years.
6. Josh Groban is to the Emmys what Rob Lowe and Snow White are to the Oscars.
7. With so many networks, airing so many shows that no one is watching, a lot of the TV stars are about as recognizable as going to somebody else’s high school reunion. Did you have Sister Phyllis? “Saving Grace” who? “House” what?!
8. I haven’t seen even a single episode, but I am already so over the “Mad Men” hype!
9. “The Ghost Whisperer” is still on the air.
10. The Emmys are 60, time for early retirement. RIP.

 

Okay, I know you’re supposed to bitch about awards shows and say they were so boring and lasted forever etc., but that was seriously the most uneventful and least exciting awards show since Art and I sat through the Lauren Holly-hosted L.A. Fashion Awards a few years ago. No joke.  And barring the People’s Choice, I’ll watch just about any awards show – you know it was bad.

 

As always feel free to send me your feedback or comments.

 

-Johnny

thejohnnylopez@gmail.com

johnnylopez.com

 

Oprah – It’s the great pumpkin, Oprah Winfrey. O may remember her spirit, but she forgot about the spanks!

 

Ryan Seacrest, Tom Bergeron, Howie Mandel, Heidi Klum, Jeff Probst – A midget, a dud, a loon, a sexy cheeseball and a missing tie. There’s nothing like a dead skit and the objectification of women to start a show.

 

Tina Fey – All hail the Queen of Comedy. Sarah Palin has done some good – by giving Tina and “30 Rock” some amazing press.

 

Amy Poehler – With apologies to Jean Smart, Amy was robbed! No one deserves a comedy Emmy more.

 

Jeremy Piven – His hair weaver deserves an award too.

 

Julia Louis Dreyfus – The Seinfeld curse lives! What was worse: her Palin ‘do or the Pepto aBismol gown?

 

Jean Smart – Nothing against her. I actually really like her, but please return what is rightfully Amy Poehler’s. And someone get the name of her Botoxologist.

 

The Desperate Housewives – From Dana Delany’s disco dress, Marcia Cross’ awkward length Cinderella gown, Teri Hatcher’s yellow scare, Eva Longoria’s unflattering bowed flapper smock and Nicollette Sheridan’s purple monstrosity, the ladies of Wisteria Lane looked like they rummaged through the Project Runway reject pile. So that’s what Suede has been up to! But Felicity Huffman’s hair looked fab … for a Trans.

 

Ricky Gervais – I can’t believe he saw “Evan Almighty.”

 

Jennifer Love Hewitt – Is no one going to tell her there’s a dead cocker spaniel on her head?

 

Tommy Smothers – If I had been listening, I’d ask him to say his speech again, but this time in English.

 

Josh Groban – In lieu of flowers, please send all donations to the Josh Groban Career Reparations Fund, c/o Reprise Records.

 

Ed McMahon – The Emmys do their part to help the homeless.

 

Alec Baldwin – Praising Tina proves there’s only one thoughtless little pig in the Baldwin fam.

 

Laura Linney – She couldn’t have tried any harder to look more washed out. No lipstick, really?

 

The Laugh-In mess – The smartest thing Goldie Hawn has ever done is not turning up for this sad “tribute.”

 

David Boreanaz  – One minute you’re presenting w/ LC, the next you’re part of a three-episode story arc w/Audrina and Lo.

 

Lauren Conrad – I had as much to do with the dress LC “designed” as she did!

 

Christian Slater – Please take your seat next to Kyra Sedgwick, Holly Hunter, Glenn Close, Laurence Fishburne and the rest of the former film actors resurrected as TV stars.

 

Laurence Fishburne –  And Laurence will show you how to get there. A red tux jacket just screams: Let me show you to your seat, ma’am. I saw Laurence Fisburne at the Nokia Theater – working!

 

William Petersen – Tuxedo compliments of “CSI: A Night at the Roxbury”

 

Kathy Griffin – Don’t know who designed the dress, but her wig was by Ariel’s Little Mermaid Collection.

 

Don Rickles – What does it mean when the funniest man in the theater reeks of formaldehyde?

 

Kate Walsh – Whose idea was it to give the most nondescript actress her own show? Did we learn nothing from Ellen Pompeo??

 

Cynthia Nixon – She’s talented, funny and happy. So who cares if she’s dating a woman who looks like Danny Partridge?

 

Glenn Close, Kyra Sedgwick, Holly Hunter, et al – As far as cable TV is concerned, The Change is good. Now if they could only do something about the hot flashes.

 

Vanessa Williams – Did her pen explode in the limo?

 

America Ferrara – In Wednesday Addams’ prom dress circa 1987. Where’s the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants when you need them?

 

Brooke Shields – Stunning. Brills. Gorge.

 

Jimmy Kimmel – Ouch! Breaking up is hard to do. His face was an even bigger mess than the reality hosts’ monologue.

 

Mary Tyler Moore – Why did she feel the need to flash her Perdue chicken bone arms. Nauseous.

 

Betty White – Thou shalt not say anything bad about a Golden Girl. Best sitcom EVER.

 

Tom Selleck – 30 years later and he’s still rockin’ the Folsom Street porn stache – that’s not a trend, it’s a fetish.

 

30 Rock – The funniest scripted show on TV next to “The Hills.”

 

Mad Men – Now will you watch? Didn’t think so.

2008 VMAs

Things I learned watching the 2008 MTV VMAs:

1. Either MTV feels really bad for allowing a bikini-clad comatose mother of two implode live on stage in front of the world last year, or Jive Records paid a shitload of cash to make sure Britney won three awards for a bad video of her dancing – aka dazedly lifting her arms and running her fingers threw her mangled mane.

2. You know the VMAs are lame when the most punk rock moment is having a bubble gum American Idol winner take down a surly British comedian by defending the honor of purity rings. Where’s a sexed up pop star writhing around the floor in a wedding dress mocking abstinence when you need her?!

3. Rock and Roll is officially dead when a spoiled brat from “My Super Sweet 16” would seem less out of place on the MTV red carpet than a band like Slipknot.

4. In lieu of a proper arena, venue or theater, MTV decided to hold this year’s awards in a high school gym. Total audience occupancy: 38 people!

5. Between Rihanna, Pink and Christina… Mad Max S+M lipstick lesbian leather chic is really big in the female vocal world.

6. The Pussycat Dolls and Danity Kane are in fact two different call girl rings groups.

7. Condolences to Taylor Swift, Ciara, Ashley Tisdale and the like, but the sparkly dress is done. And no more teen boys in suits. DONE!

8. They really should rename them the YouTube Awards, because everyone knows that’s the only place you can watch music videos these days.

The last time the VMAs were even remotely fun was back in 2003 with the Britney/Madonna/Xtina kiss thing, then came the Miami and Vegas debacle years. RIP. Last year’s highlight – if you can call it that – was the world’s first live public crucifixion. So it’s only fitting that last night’s theme appeared to be redemption – at least as far as Britney and her armies of stylists and pharamacists are concerned. That being said, how can the show have any real clout when in reality, MTV’s best new artist is not a musical act – it’s Heidi and Spencer?

Time to take off your purity rings and enjoy the recap!

Britney Spears – Don’t call it a comeback. Yes, I know, we’re all rooting for her and she did look good – minus that ropey, spaghetti weave, but can people just chill? Being semi-lucid and medicated enough to sit through hair and makeup and accept some non-significant award is not curing cancer! It’s amazing what you can do when you stop traipsing around Malibu gas stations barefoot and hand your life over to your father. And the VMA goes to… 5150 holds!

Rihanna – Right now she can do no wrong, except for ripping off everything from Thriller, Marilyn Manson and Madge’s iconic 1984 VMA “Like a Virgin” number during her performance of “Disturbia.” Is she really dating Chris Brown or is her Brigitte Nielsen butch ‘do and newly acquired “L Word” tough girl persona more indicative of who she really is?! Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum!

Russell Brand – Props for bringing back Joan Cusack’s “Working Girl” ‘do. My outta borough brethren thank you. But if we’ve learned anything from Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction, it’s that you NEVER apologize – especially not to an 18-year-old “American Idol” winner. Piss on that.

Jamie Foxx – Actor or singer? Pick a side and stay there.

Demi Moore – Does she have an album coming out? Then why is she there? The 45-year-old does not age, but that’s still no reason to come out wearing Suri Cruise’s dress.

Taylor Swift – Ol’ girl has gotta stop getting her hair, makeup and outfits from the Piggly Wiggly!

Jonas Brothers – Between the purity rings, the “There Will Be Blood” performance outfits and the Sesame Street number, can someone please explain to me their allure? They are so becoming The Coreys – 2018 edition.

Katy Perry – You’re not Dita Von Teese -- leave the ‘40s bloomers at home – along with your irritating faux-lesbian anthem.

Michael Phelps – We’ve found our new Lurch for “The Addams Family” reboot! Doesn’t he look like that giant from “Big Fish?”

Leona Lewis – Pairing her with Lil’ Wayne makes as much sense as giving Britney three awards for “Piece of Me.”

Lil’ Wayne – What the hell is Whoopi Goldberg doing singing topless at the VMAs? Or was it Jungle Book’s Mowgli? I know I sound like a parent, but seriously, in the name of Marky Mark… pull up those pants!

T-Pain – Because one Lil’ John in this world just isn’t enough.

Lindsay Lohan – Where is the love, MTV? Where’s her VMA? She got rehabbed too!

Ciara – Someone might want to put her wig on frontward for her.

Pussycat Dolls – It’s BOOBIES, not groupies. I don’t care what they say or how radio edits that song! Quick, name one of them other than Nicole Sherzinger. I dare you!

Paramore – Cyndi Lauper meets Tiffany with a Scientology-free dash of Juliette Lewis.

Shia LaBeouf – I flipped my truck drunk, broke my hand, held up production of my new film and stole Adrian Grenier’s chick – but I over-moussed my hair and put on a suit for you. So can I get a VMA too?

Miley Cyrus – Strangely likeable.

Pink – Her performance ensemble was the best she’s ever looked. So what if she resembles the chick from Bravo’s “Tabatha’s Salon Takeover.” What was with her and Rihanna trying to one-up each other – hair, cleavage, outfit? Just makeout and get it over with already, ladies.

Ashlee Simpson – Pregnant and looking like a skinny Wynonna Judd.

Pete Wentz – The cutest midget I’ve ever seen. Adorable.

Slipknot – Almost as scary as Danity Kane. Almost.

Jordin Sparks – Maybe if she were a little sluttier she wouldn’t need Chris Brown singing on her records to give her a hit.

Lauren Conrad – How sad is it that she’s the face of MTV these days?

Christina Aguilera – The bastard love child of Lady GaGa, Samantha Fox, Kylie and Linda Hogan. Guess that whole ‘40s big band thing didn’t work out so well. She’s always getting the short end of the Britney stick. ‘Memba she kissed Madonna too, and didn’t go crazy or lose her children, but it was still the Britney show last night. What’s a former Mousketeer gotta lip synch to get noticed around here?

Tokio Hotel – What if Pete Burns from “Dead or Alive” circa 1985 and Bjork had a hermaphrodite baby? … And no one cared.

Paris Hilton – I don’t understand why MTV isn’t publicizing her reality show more! Another rehabilitated famous person. Damn, 2006 really was one fucked up year in Hollywood!

Drake Bell – Zac Efron, is that you?

Kid Rock – Rodent.

Kanye West – Um, that’s how you close the show?! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP! Flatline. Which I guess is only fitting.

Until next year’s show, when Britney will either attempt a choreographed number, tragically host, or spontaneously combust on the VMA stage.